I believe the time will come when people truly understand one another

a letter to you

2012-01-30T23:11:00.002+08:00

honestly, i could never imagine that it would come to this. i was really hoping that we could work something out. i thought we're gonna get together in the end. turns out, it isn't gonna be.

the night when we talked about it, when you told me that i shouldn't put in much effort if i don't wanna get hurt. i was really hurt and disappointed when you said that. cause i've been putting and giving everything i could give to you, yet you said this. it was really demoralising. it's like you're saving money to buy something you really desire, only to find out that it was sold off when you almost collected enough money for it. don't get me wrong. i'm not equating you to stuff. just wanna illustrate how demotivate it felt at that time. that night, i didn't sleep. we ended our conversation at 4am and i was awake, rolling on the bed until 12pm. it hurts cause it felt like you didn't recognise my effort, more so when u gave a chance to another guy. i felt like a fool cause it's like all the while you don't see what i've been doing for you. but nonetheless, i still want us to be friends. though it's difficult. but we promised that.

but after that night i was confused. i didn't know whether to move on or wait. i don't know if it's worth waiting, but at the same time i don't wanna regret making any rash decisions. as the days go by, i just felt we're drifting away. we're not the same anymore, it's like we're obliging ourselves to talk to each other. i hate that feeling, i want us to be the same again. if only you haven't suddenly disappear right after that time, things might still be the same. but yet again, if i were to be more understanding this might not happen. i was confuse, i don't know whether to move on or not.

after last night, after the talked we had. i've decided to move on. cause it's something you want me to do as well. and i think that it's better if we have a break from each other. maybe a while away from each other, we'll be able to move on with our own lives. right now i admit, there's someone that came into my life. and i wouldn't deny that i have some feelings for her. it won't be fair if i make her wait as well, cause i know it sucks to wait for a long time. that's why i asked you last night, i wanted you to say something so that i would still continue wait for you. but you didn't, and i have to take this step. i'll have to move on, and i hope you do too. not saying that we love each other and promise to spend our lives together all those, but i'm sure deep down there's some feelings there.

i don't know what to say anymore, i think you felt the same as well. it's such a waste cause it could be a perfect story. no point saying that now i guess. and when you said i might be happier with someone else, i can't remember what i said. but now i'll say that i might be happier, but at the same time i might be happier if with you. i can't really tell what's gonna happen, and i've chosen this decision now. i can't afford to think that i will regret it in the future. i might, but i don't wanna think of that now. it's just isn't the right time for us. if it happened earlier, then it would be a whole different story. but who knows...

quoting a line from your favourite song, "i wish nothing but the best for you". and i really hope that after some time apart from each other, we can go back to how we used to be. how we act childish with each other. how we can talk random things and go on the whole night. probably the only difference is that we might not, or at least, i won't be falling for you anymore. with this, i'll put a full stop on this chapter of my life. the chapter which once filled with wonderful memories but despair in the end. right now, i'll pray each day that you will find your true happiness and everything goes right in your life. i'll watch from the side, if possible, silently rooting for you in whatever challenges you'll face. and i'll move on with my life as well. soon, i guess. it's something i've decided already...

till then...

what have we become

2011-12-18T23:32:00.001+08:00

silent night that seems so deafening,
these four walls suddenly becomes so close,
as i took my breath one more time.
lying on the bed, staring at the space
thinking what went wrong, or am i thinking too much.
just tell me it's gonna be fine and i'll be okay.

what have we become,
when we used to talk all night,
till the morning light shinning through our window.
now we can barely speak a word,
just a hi and good night before turning off your light,
what have we become, what have we become.

words can't be denied, actions can't be undo.
you had me waiting like a fool.
if only, i could read your mind.
if only, i could turn back time.
this is killing me inside, i just wanna get you off my mind.

what have we become,
when we used to talk all night,
till the morning light shinning through our window.
now we can barely speak a word,
just a hi and good night before turning off your light,
what have we become, what have we become.

the constellation said that we could not be together,
i wouldn't, i couldn't believe it.
but it seems so true, these days we're drifting away.
if only i know what's the reason why.

what have we become,
when we used to talk all night,
till the morning light shinning through our window.
now we can barely speak a word,
just a hi and good night before turning off your light,
what have we become, what have we become.

what have we become,
when we used to share the laughter and fun together,
never knew what time is it.
now it's just us scrapping the pieces,
trying to rekindle what we had.
what have we become, what have we become.

我是一个大笨蛋

2011-12-01T13:17:00.002+08:00

我是一个大笨蛋.

因为我傻傻等你.

有可能我想太多.

我不懂真么告诉你.

因为我要你看最好的我

我知道的事

2011-12-01T01:15:00.002+08:00

有一些话, 不说出来. 但我明白.

我想要什么是你会很幸福.

即使我会受到伤害.

可以看到你再次微笑.

我会好起来的.

我知道我的中文是很差.

你明白够了

11/11/11

2011-11-14T00:04:00.002+08:00

to many, this date is just another day waiting to pass by. but to me, this date has its significance. it's once in a century date. it's the day full of number 1. hence, it's a very significant day and it should be spent with the most significant person.

for once, i do not regret skipping all my appointments just to be with my significant one. the feeling of guilt turns into a moment of joy. it's something i won't forget for the rest of my life, no matter how forgetful i am. and it takes two hands to clap; if she didn't accept my invitation, it wouldn't be significant as well.

we shared everything on this date; we shared laughter, stupidity, childishness and tears. while watching the movie, i knew how she would have felt. without turning and looking to her, i knew that she had tears flowing on her cheek; yet i was so helpless and undecided, should i lend her my shoulder to cry on or not. but i chose not to in the end, because i knew she wouldn't want me to see her cry, i knew she wanna hide her pain from me; but i knew what she was crying about. at the touching moment of the movie, i actually had tears in my eyes as well. because i knew how significant she was to me, yet her mind was thinking of others. at that time, i thought that i wouldn't stand any chance; i was a relationship-wrecker. and at that point, i told myself that i should leave her for good. cause a guy's dream is to see the girl he loves to be happy.

for the rest of the day, my mind was filled with many voices. one was saying this was a bad idea; another said that it's probably the right thing to do. i felt guilty, and helpless at the same time. the laughter and the playful menacing that she made on the way back to her place was greeted by my somber mood. at that moment, i thought this would be the last time we'll be in such situation.

dropping her off, i wanna asked her or just to tell her what i had in mind. but looking at how beautiful she smile, how happy she laugh that night i just couldn't do it. i left, thinking that it's all over. tears flowed down while i was driving back. it may sound like i'm weak, but losing something that you regard as the best thing in your life is the hardest thing one could face. i was contemplating afterwards, whether i should tell her or just ease off her life without knowing. when i was driving back home, i decided not to stay up and wait for her; yet in the end i slept in front of my laptop waiting for her to come back. i don't know why i do that, but i just do.

turns out what i thought was the right thing, wasn't the right thing. i could've commit the biggest mistake of my life, and regret it for eternity. because of fate, i stayed up and waited for her. because of fate, she was able to clarify my doubts. because of fate, now my feeling for her is stronger than ever. and because of this, i wouldn't wanna lose her.

it's true that we may not have gone through many hardships yet; there are so many obstacles and challenges ahead. yet somehow i am confident that we would be able to get through this. it takes time for her to erase her past memories, but knowing that we would be writing the future together it makes me so glad and bless.

so 11/11/11 is not only significant because i went out with her. it's because of the feelings that have grown stronger because of that. *cross finger* i hope that i could make her feel the same way as i do.

happy 111111 =)

see you smile...

2011-11-07T15:10:00.003+08:00

there are so many things i wanna tell you, yet i don't know if i should. you're the first person who made me feel this way; jump like a fool, smile as bright as the sun. and i wish i could be the same for you. but i can see the pain and sorrow in your eyes, yet i don't know what is it. or maybe i do know what is it, but i just don't wanna say it out cause it might hurt you more. i wish nothing but the best for you, even if it means leaving you for good. at times i wish that i would've known you earlier, for we could be happily together till forever. i guess fate doesn't want us to be together, or it could be a huge challenge for us. well, saying us is undermining what you've got to go through. i can't tell you what you should do, i don't want to force you to be with me if you wouldn't want to. i just want you to be true to yourself, ask yourself, what is the best thing for you? like i said, even if it means leaving you for good, then i would do so. we're no longer kids, we cannot avoid this. eventually, this will catch up to us and hurt us, or probably you even more. and i don't want to see you getting hurt. i want to see the bright and cheery you; the girl who everyone likes to talk to, the girl who everyone feels cheerful to be with, the girl who brightens people's lives. that is why i would really appreciate if you do open up to me, cause i don't want you to suffer it by yourself. let me help you make the decision, even if it will be the last thing that i will do. don't think that you will trouble me, cause i wanna be a part of you even if it's just for a little while. don't think about how i would feel, i've been through a lot and i know how to bounce back up. just be free again. cause the world wants you to see your smile, real smile again. whatever that will happen, it'll be decided by fate. live life to your fullest, cause you deserve it.

doubts ...

2011-10-28T00:52:00.003+08:00

being with you, i have no regrets. the past few months have been the best time of my life. not once that i drown into the sea of sorrow. everyday just filled with smiles, by just looking at you or talking to you.

but i cant hide the doubts that i have. do i have a place in your heart? how much i meant to you? do you feel the same way as i do?

i tried to ignore it as long as i can, but eventually these doubts will catch up to me. hopefully by then, it'll be answered.

9x - 7i > 3 (3x - 7u)

=)

ignored. invisible. inexistence.

2011-10-01T13:44:00.003+08:00

is it worth going the extra mile for a friend? would it matter to them if you do that?

what's the point of doing it when in the end, you'll be treated like others?

what's the point of doing it when you loss a lot for their happiness?

what's the point of doing it when they came for you just when they needed you and left when they don't?

is that the meaning of the word 'friend'?

sick and tired of the same thing that's been repeating over and over again.

isn't friend supposed to be there and support each other?

isn't friend supposed to think of each other and help them when they needed?

so what happens when it is just you who do that but not others? is it still friend?

been looking around, heart filled with loneliness.

thought that it would be different when meeting new people.

but it's the same old story again.

people come when they need you, go when they don't.

why bother being there for them?

it is true, being there for them when they needed someone the most

is a good thing and they would value the true meaning of friend.

but does such thing still exist?

why does this keeps happening?

am i invisible? am i not noticeable? or am i just a friend to be there to wipe your tears

so that you can turn around and walked away happily?

this feeling sucks.

it's like people not acknowledging your existence.

it's like you're just being a piece of trash taking up spaces in this world.

it hurts. it deeply and truly hurts.

rejection, rejection and rejection.

loneliness, loneliness and loneliness.

there's no one particular person who made me feel this way.

it's how i felt generally. i could be wrong.

and i hope i am.

whenever i watched a show, the character felt lonely and lost.

i knew how that felt, i knew the suffering that they went through.

the difference is that, they're acting, what they went through doesn't really affect them.

but what i've been through. it's real. and it hurts.

keeping the silence. zipping my mouth shut. let the pain eats the soul inside.

the cruel fate that one can go through. it's a tragedy.

the story might come to an end soon. the very last hope that's left is,

at the end, people would acknowledge the existence of this person.

indecisiveness

2011-09-08T18:51:00.002+08:00

it's that time again. the should i, shouldn't i time.

so yea, should it? or shouldn't i? do i stand a chance? will i taste success? or it's the same old disappointment?

long time didn't update here. there isn't much things going on right now. i'm trying to live life day by day.

every thing that we do, it needs courage. even walking, it needs courage. courage is within all of us. that's what i'm trying to convince myself.

just asking wouldn't harm right? after all, people said if you wanna solve your curiosity, ask.

waiting for the right time for it to happen. or maybe all these things been going on around shows that there isn't the right time? maybe it's all just in my head. maybe it's never meant to be. maybe...

confusion makes us blur. and blurness makes us to question ourselves. well i don't know how it relates but somehow it does. the decision that i said i'm gonna make previously, i didn't stick to that. instead i carried on and still doing it. i guess what i'm saying is life is unpredictable. things may happen accordingly that your decision may change as well.

i'm the type of person who leaves everything up to fate. if the opportunity arises, i shall take. looking at the circumstances, i stand a low chance of success. but a low chance still has a chance of success. so probably i will give it a go. i just hope that the next time i come back here, i'll have the answers to my questions already. hopefully it'll be the answer i want as well.

wish me luck =)

i've made my decision ...

2011-07-15T23:35:00.000+08:00

... and hopefully i'll stick with it...

turning point

2011-06-24T16:59:00.002+08:00

there are untold stories, that are locked in the heart forever.

the reality deceives many, only those with keen eyes could decipher what happens.

every action has a reason, and every reason has a story behind it.

once it is taken, there's no turning back.

hope for the best, it's all a human can do.

hope it's worth it

2011-06-20T19:16:00.003+08:00

i guess i've served my purpose. i might have taken the blame for everything that's happening but it's worth it if you felt better. i don't know if you hate me or despise me now, but i've did what i've done and i've tried my best. now i hope that you are off feeling better.

i'm really burnt out, i need time off. i just hope that you're okay now cause i'm not capable to do anything else right now. i need a break. do take care of yourself; i'll just look by the side and see you do your things, hopefully this time with a smile.

split personalities

2011-06-05T21:12:00.002+08:00

i can be nice, i can be mean

i laugh, yet i frown

i'm active, but i'm gloomy

i'm hardworking, but i'm lazy

i can talk to you, i can just ignore you

i feel your happiness, and i feel your pain

i smile, and i'm angry

i have high confidence, but i am low in confidence

i am a shining light, yet i can be the darkness in this world

i can be a saviour, or i can be the avenger

i'm the best of both worlds, light and darkness

be friend with me, you'll get a good friend

mess with me, i'm gonna fry you up

two masks, one person

so which one do you choose?

weird dreams

2011-06-02T07:54:00.002+08:00

these days i've been having weird dreams. it's not getting chase by aliens, saw vampire and me killing the evil villain. no. it's more of a "real-life" situation dream. as if you were there and experience it first hand. it's like you can feel that it's real and when you woke up, you can remember it. is it a sign?

let me break down on what the dreams are. i had two dreams, both relating to world-ending situation type. the first one, which i had a few days back was like this. i was dreaming that i was still interning and one day we had a fire drill. so we went to an open area, which is the other side of the building's rooftop (doesn't really make sense here, but what the heck). as we were standing and waiting for the next instruction, we were admiring the scenery around it and we have both towers at our sight. as we were looking at it, one of the tower disintegrate and another followed after that. the debris from the tower's collapse rushed towards us like a wave of tsunami. we ran for our lives. we ran as far as we could, it felt like i was really running. i recalled seeing bodies being thrown away by the force of the debris-wave. me and a few friends ran as fast as we could. then there were a four-way crossroad and we ran straight. as we were running, i looked back and noticed the wave turned to the left. so we're safe for a moment. we keep on running to a hilltop and looked back at the destruction. it felt so real, the image was still in my mind. as we were in shock looking back at the destruction, suddenly we hear crackling sound and the wave was coming towards us again. we ran and ran for our lives. then one of us said we should get in a house and ran to the back room of the house where it is safe. so we went to the room and there were a few people already there. we locked the door and cuddle in fetus position as we are hearing the wave pounding on the destructions. the boom, pow, piak sound all were heard clearly. suddenly, it all went quiet. after quiet for a while, i walked out and checked. i opened the door and entered into another room, which was still in perfect condition despite the wave coming. then i saw a celebrity (shall not reveal who, but he was a power figure) and he told me something. the last thing he told me was it is the end of the world, and then the wave comes again and this time it was right in front of me. the earth ground started to shake violently and it cracks. the debris-wave hit me and straight away i woke up from it.

another one which i just had this morning. i was at the shopping mall discussing stuff with my friends when i had the urge to go to the washroom. i don't know why but i recall walking in a dark, secluded area, finding for the washroom. i walked down a dark-lighted stairs and nearby there, there were little girls playing. it's something like this:

no, i didn't watch this video before i slept. heck, the only thing i watched the previous day was spongebob. when i saw the girls, it straight away reminded me of this. anyways, then i walked aimlessly; walked up a stairs and i came out to a rooftop restaurant. i remember seeing the foreigners having their meal there. that time it was around evening i guess, since it's quite shady. anyways i sat on the chair and tie my shoe lace, when a waiter approached and asked whether i would like to eat anything. i felt bad for sitting there and taking up the space, so i told the guy i wanna look at the menu. i remembered there was one food called beef shit bread (or something like that). it was the cheapest in the menu, 4.98. in fact, other foods were cheap as well, ranging between 5-6 bucks. then the guy said it must be converted to other currency which is 5 times more than this figure. after looking a while, i walked away. then i was waiting for my date (i don't know what happen to the discussion with my friends =/). while waiting for her, i walked to the arcade and it was empty. nevertheless, i walked and i saw many games; daytona, tennis, street fighter, dancing game, shooting game (i don't know their names). then i walked out of the arcade. as i was walking away, there was a guy (who seems so familiar, maybe someone from the past?) holding a torch running towards the arcade and threw it. immediately, i knew there was something bad that's gonna happen. so i decided to run to my car and hope to drive away. as i was running, others started to run as well. the realisation of the building exploding/collapsing were there. then i saw one of my friend that i had discussion with and we ran together. after running for like ages, we reached the floor which leads us to the car park. but there was no escalator to take don to the car park. then another one of my friend came and we asked him where was the car park but he had no idea. the only choice left was to run as far as possible from the building. we ran out, with hundreds of people running as well. then after some distance, one of them shouted us to duck. i ducked beside a plant (=.=") and looked back at that shopping mall. it exploded. the debris started flying towards us. it hit a few people, and i remember seeing the blood splatter around. some got hit directly at the face, some the debris was very big that it squash them like a bug. anyways there was a huge chunk of debris flying towards me, and i tilt my head slightly down and it passed through my head (like matrix style) and the debris falled just beside me. then people started clapping and cheering for me. after it took me a while to realise what had just happened, another explosion occurred. another wave of debris falling coming. this time a lot of it was flying towards me, and i could only pushed it away (dunno why but i have super strength at that moment). i survived the latest onslaught. then we all looked back at the building and it's like a hill just had a land slide. as we calmed ourselves down, a huge pile of rock fell towards us and i opened my eyes before i got hit.

some part of the dreams seem illogical, like the super strength and the wave of debris tsunami turning at one direction. but going through that dream, it felt like i was really in it. when i woke up, i felt really tired cause it felt like i was doing the running and all. it felt so real. i couldn't emphasise it more. is it a prophecy that something big's gonna happen soon? is there something that needs me to prepare for so that i could save my own life, and if possible, others as well? these thoughts lingered in my mind; at the back of my mind, i couldn't help but to think it could be a sign that tells me something.

so is it a sign, or it's just coincidence?

have a nice day :)

wasted efforts ...

2011-04-09T01:42:00.002+08:00

why am i a fool? why do i always try so hard, that in the end i suffer?

why would i still do it, knowing that if i were to run a thousand miles just to see you, you'll just say hello and walk away?

what's the point in planning something, that in the end everything just doesn't go according to plan?

what's the use of trying so hard, that at the end of the day i don't achieve anything?

yea sure the thoughts count. action speaks louder than words. but after so many times, wouldn't it be nice to see some result out of it? isn't it nice knowing that the effort you put in can help you achieve something? not in this case.

no matter how much effort i put in, at the end of the day i kept questioning myself why did i do that. others may not have known it, but i had to go through a long difficulties, trying to balance every part of my life just to do the thing that they asked me to.

why am i a fool? i don't post this just to show off that i help people. i don't post this to get recognition. i post it so that in the future when i look back, i can tell myself whether it's worth putting all my effort into helping others worth it or not. and i really hope i can look back and laugh at this post and ridicule it.

so please prove me wrong. prove to me that putting in effort would count for something. tired of seeing all my efforts are just gone to waste. help me, let me see the light again. cause the ray of light becomes smaller and smaller as the darkness looms around.

tell me, that you'll be that ray of light in my life. i really hope you are.

have a nice day.

i am sick.

2011-03-16T23:38:00.002+08:00

insecurity. it may not be the right word, but probably it's the best word to describe how i feel.

when i was young, i was too naive. i didn't know anything, yet i still smile. i smile like a fool. not knowing that i didn't have anyone to turn to.

now, i thought i knew everything. i thought i have the friends that i could turn to. but turns out i don't. no one knows me. i can't blame them. i barely knew myself. this time the smile is not a fool smile, but it's a smile that hides all the pain, the smile that shields all the loneliness i felt inside.

why did i feel this way? why am i always feel lonely? i tried to smile and walked away from this feeling, yet it catches up to me. it's the same old story all over again.

why is it that i felt like i was used by others? why is it that i felt like whenever others have problems they come to me, and when they're back up they go away?

i tried not to look it that way. but somehow it keeps popping in my mind. am i drifting, becoming an undesirable person? cause it makes me view others differently, till the point that i think others were all boycotting me. is it an illusion or a reality?

all i could do is to smile and move on. i don't know how right or wrong am i. i can hardly trust anyone right now. i am sick.

a promise was made a few months ago. i promised not to rant here anymore. but this has been something that bothers me. i hope that my mind would clear up after typing it all out here. only time will tell. but right now, i am sick.

and i hope that i will be healthy again after this.

have a nice day :)

Just Around The Corner - Simple Plan

2011-01-04T22:31:00.001+08:00

Have A Nice Day :)

*credit goes to the original video uploader

end of the year

2010-12-30T23:49:00.002+08:00

no more emo post. no more confessions. no more ranting on this blog. i hope.

new year's coming, and that means new resolutions.

i wanna make a resolution, to be a person.

not a better person, but just be a person.

it's hard when you keep thinking bout others but they don't seem to think about you.

why when you make promises, you keep it,

while others said this and that and yet they forgot it a moment later?

all the "it's ok, i'll be there" or "anything can come to me"

i guess probably it's just a crap.

probably me ranting here will hurt some of you.

but yet again, i'm supposed to not care bout how others feel.

probably i'll change, to a more heartless person.

i said before i am who people made me.

and i've seen the worst side of the world, probably that would make me one as well.

but then again, that's not what Gakkai taught me.

i should care and be compasionate for others.

but is it worth if you do and yet others don't care about you?

people always say make yourself happy, don't care bout others.

keeps me thinking, now in a transition stage.

taking up every challenge has been what i'm doing for my entire life.

at the end of every challenge there's supposed to be reward and something good that happens.

but every challenges i faced, it ended up worse.

my last rant for the year. next year hope that i'll be able to control myself.

hopefully can refrain myself from coming here and pouring everything out.

i don't wanna be a better person, i just wanna be a person.

Happy New Year.

and Have A Nice Day :)

stolen ...

2010-12-18T00:37:00.000+08:00

You were my eyes when i couldn't see,
you were my air when i couldn't breathe,
but you always knew what you meant to me,
(yeaah.ah,ah)
You were my strength when i was down,
and you made me humble when i wouldn't bow,
I held on to your promise that you'd be around,
(ah,ah...ah,ah)

Where were you when i was alright,
tell me, did you knew I was alright,
you, left me thinking I'd be alright,
wont you come back to me,
Ohhh..
It's crazy but i'm falling apart,
It's crazy how your leaving me scarred,
It's crazy girl wherever you are,
you stole, my heart

It's crazy but I'm going insane,
feeling lost confused and ashamed,
It's crazy, hope your feeling my pain,
you stole, my heart

(Stolen)
Just like a moment....
(Stolen)
you never owned it,
(Stolen)
you took away my heart,

I was feeling lost in my own world,
neglecting your needs only once girl,
If only we could try again once more,
ohhh..(Ohh..)
Now It's the same sad story that we all know,
how lovers make mistakes watch it all blow,
now i don't wanna be the one to let it all go.... nooo

[Chorus]

(Stolen)
Just like a moment....
(Stolen)
you never owned it,
(Stolen)
you took away my heart,
(ah,ah...ah,ah..)

No man can live without blood running through his veins,
(through his veins)
and it's hard to remember the summer now here is rain
I don't know how much longer that i can wait
It's a thin line... between love and hate,
Oh-whoa-whoaaaa...

It's crazy but i'm falling apart,
It's crazy how your leaving me scarred,
It's crazy girl wherever you are,
you stole, my heart

It's crazy but I'm going insane,
feeling lost confused and ashamed,
It's crazy, hope your feeling my pain,
you stole, my heart

(Stolen)
Just like a moment....
(Stolen)
you never owned it,
(Stolen)
you took away my heart,
(ah,ah...ah,ah..)

(Stolen)
Just like a moment....
(Stolen)
you never owned it,
(Stolen)
you took away my heart,
(ah,ah...ah,ah..)

emotion killer

2010-12-13T00:05:00.001+08:00

killing my emotion now, that's the only way i can move on ...

have no expectation, that way there'll be no disappointment ...

think less, probably don't think at all and then my mind shall be set free ...

worst time of my life

2010-12-12T00:23:00.003+08:00

probably in the worst moment of my life.

everything just seem to have gone wrong. nothing goes right.

every part of my life is suffering. deep pain cutting through my heart.

feel like screaming, feel like jumping off a building

of course i don't plan to kill myself, that's silly

probably bungee jump, so that all the problems would go away when i fall.

just wonder, what i did wrong?

i always thought i did the right thing, i thought probably the wrongs that i've done

it's just a few small ones

but then, why i keep on suffer the pain, the feeling of knife stabbing right at my heart?

have i done something really terrible in my past life, that i'm paying for it now?

i don't know, hopefully it'll end.

probably this is to test my character, well if it is then i'm on the verge of failing.

although i told myself, i won't fail in whatever i do

but all the past things that happened isn't like what i said.

i kept failing time after time again.

i failed to tell the girl i care the most how i feel.

i failed to be the active person i set out to be.

i failed to be a good son, a good brother and a good friend.

i failed in keeping my family harmony, i don't want to hear them arguing everyday.

and soon, i'll be failing in my studies as well.

now i'm just low in confidence, i could only hope that i won't screw my internship.

i admit, i'm neglecting sife right now, which isn't what others hope for when i was appointed.

i need to get back up, but how?

i don't know, this is a personal hurdle for me to go through.

honestly, thanks my friends if you show concern.

but this is something that i've got to go through on my own, i guess, probably.

and i wanna thank YOU as well, for your concern but i'm really confuse now.

the best thing would be not to talk to you, just keep live your life like how you live.

not like i'm a big part in your life, like others as well.

i'm just someone who people would just say hello and goodbye.

no matter how much i've done, i guess probably they're right.

whatever sacrifices that you made must be in front of people,

so that you show them and they see what you've done.

sacrificing when someone doesn't know only hurts you.

cause you thought you did something big for them, but for them it's insignificant,

since they didn't see it.

i don't know how am i gonna be the next time when i see the same people on march.

i've said this before and i'll say it again.

i'm thankful for this internship break, cause it gives me room away from everyone,

it gives me time to recover, if i would ever

and others wouldn't see the bad side of me, well probably they would've see it here already

since i don't know who's reading this.

sleep doesn't help solve problem this time around, whenever i woke up

i felt really tired, i'm physically and mentally drained out.

somehow i just need to get back to my feet, be prepared within the next 3 days

put on a fake smile, while wearing a shoe that belongs to my dad cause i don't have one,

and probably wearing the same two formal outfits i have for the next 2 months.

yea, you see it correctly, my life is pathetic. i don't have the life like others.

people come to me when they have problems,

and when they're alright they go away.

when i'm my usual self, they just don't bother bout me,

when i'm down only they would come to me and ask if i'm alright.

i don't know it's a normal thing or not, but i'm just thinking

whether your action just to show me sympathy, or you genuinely care?

sorry for not being able to trust people, cause i've brought up that way.

i've seen so many backstabbing, so many back talks,

even when i say things to others, they just couldn't keep it,

so tell me how am i gonna trust people?

probably ramble too much here already.

just wanna say that it's not anyone's fault for my current condition.

if there's someone to be blamed, then it's me.

me cause why i was born to live in this world, adding misery to the world.

my action during my past life must've been so terrible that i'm in a miserable life now.

i just hope that, probably i would keep on saying this in the future.

the next time you see me, i would be a different person,

i don't know how different, probably i'll be someone who don't give a sh*t bout anyone

someone who just dissed off others, not thinking bout how you would feel.

or probably i would be someone who'll be active running around everyday,

busy doing things till i forget to live my own life, till i don't know what tired is,

till i don't know what love is, till i don't care bout my own life.

honestly i wish that i'm dead now, but like i said earlier suicide is a silly thing to do.

i just hope that i could go save someone's life and get hit by a car and i'll die on the spot.

at least i would die, knowing i sacrifice for others, who probably won't still care who i am.

i'm done.

bukan diriku

2010-12-10T19:46:00.000+08:00

Setelah kupahami
Ku bukan yang terbaik
Yang ada di hatimu
Tak dapat kusangsikan
Ternyata dirinyalah
Yang mengerti kamu
Bukanlah diriku

Kini maafkanlah aku
Bila ku menjadi bisu
Kepada dirimu

Bukan santunku terbungkam
Hanya hatiku berbatas
Tuk mengerti kamu
Maafkanlah aku

Walau kumasih mencintaimu
Kuharus meninggalkanmu
Kuharus melupakanmu
Meski hatiku menyayangimu
Nurani membutuhkanmu
Kuharus merelakanmu

Dan hanyalah dirimu
Yang mampu memahamiku
Yang dapat mengerti aku

Ternyata dirinyalah
Yang sanggup menyanjungmu
Yang lama menyentuhmu
Bukanlah diriku

Walau kumasih mencintaimu
Kuharus meninggalkanmu
Kuharus melupakanmu
Meski hatiku menyayangimu
Nurani membutuhkanmu
Kuharus merelakanmu

december to not remember

2010-12-09T18:38:00.003+08:00

am i doing the wrong thing? should i not ignore you?

but the pain in seeing that im not the one. i need time to recover for it.

now is the right time for us. cause we'll be apart.

i just need to mend this broken heart. you don't know how much i really love you.

but looking at how you treat others and the way you treat me.

why would you, in a way, avoid me?

although you're always there to concern, but somehow i just feel a distance between us.

i wanna ask you whether you're alright when you look sick.

get you a tissue when you sneeze.

share my shoulder for you to lie on.

but i was never given the chance.

you always look for others, neglecting how i felt at that time.

i don't know, maybe i just think too much.

but nevertheless, it's still a pain.

i had everything planned out for you, wanna surprise you.

but after seeing how you treat others, and seeing the look that you gave.

i guess i should be thankful for not going on with the plan.

now we're gonna be apart for some time.

i just hope the next time we meet, i won't feel the pain no more.

i hope that i would want to see you, and likewise you would want to see me too.

but my feeling for you won't be as how i feel now.

i wish, that would happen.

till then, i shall disappear from all of you, if i can.

if you call me, don't be surprise if i don't answer it.

if you text me, maybe i won't reply, it depends. no guarantee.

but i guess most likely you'll not hear from me, cause the next time you see me.

hopefully you'll see the best of me, not the worst side of me.

probably last post of the year, i dunno.

just wanna wish everyone to have a nice day.

don't have a pathetic life like i do, cause it's painful.

till then, take care.

do you know? how this happens?

2010-11-29T22:16:00.006+08:00

miserable. at the wrong time.

all alone. why now?

just feel so down. how could this happen to me?

no one to talk to. they have their own life to think bout.

need time off. two more weeks to go.

people's perception had changed. why they look at me differently now?

we used to talk like there's everything that we can talk. why it's dead silence now?

did you change? or did i change?

looking back at my life. same old story.

people said there's a happy ending in every story. this story will end miserably.

care for people. do people care back?

this is not me. so who am i?

many questions wondering. yet there's no answer to it.

just wishing someone would lay their hand on this poor soul. perhaps it's too late.

all the pain and misery. will it end soon, or it's just the beginning?

how will it go? just wishing that it would go right.

wishing that everything will be okay. wishing for someone to save me.

imheretosaveyou. or is it someone's supposed to save me in the end?

just don't feel like telling people. it's a sign of weakness.

weakness shall never be part of my life. or at least it won't be shown to people.

but how long can i contain the pain? will i become mad?

will i be able to survive any longer? why is it now?

questions revolving as i faced one of the toughest period in life.

exams. internships. buddhist activities. sife projects.

too much to handle? been there, done that.

so why can't i do it now? what's the difference between now and then?

all these lingering in my mind. support is needed, but none i can turn to.

thank you for your kind words. but what i really need is the genuine concern.

perhaps i didn't open up to people. or perhaps you see me in different light.

things just not how it used to be. it hard for me to tell you what's on my mind.

keep guessing. make a prediction. try to break the code. it's all over the place.

give yourself a clap if you know what i'm saying. but you won't know the truth.

may never know the truth. i wish to keep this inside, swallow it to myself. hiding the pain.

showing a fake smile that everyone desires. put a fake act when it's not me.

just a little more. then i shall be set free.

waiting for the end

2010-11-13T23:02:00.002+08:00

the worst part of life is when needing someone to talk to but don't know who to turn to ... if only there's someone that can get the thoughts away ... if only there's someone to talk to ... that's why they said human needs to talk and have relationship with others cause they depend on each other ... but i couldn't turn to anyone ... guess it's me all alone again ...

wait till when people asked me, by then i guess that i'm fine ... cause loneliness is part of my life ... just looking back how i wish i could change things but i know that i couldn't ... just felt that those i'm close with having something against me but i don't know what is it ... just tat we're not as close as we used to be ... i dunno why is that ... but its not the first time so i guess i'll move on with it, probably filling with regrets of not knowing what's the thing happening behind ...

i'll move on, i need to go away, i'll have to do it alone ... cause loneliness is part of my life ... ranting here makes me better, it's the only place where i can release myself ...

and i'm waiting for the end ...

Have A Nice Day :)

i never meant to be so cold ...

2010-09-19T11:45:00.002+08:00

title says it all ...

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there is just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

just had a shock ... no not the surprise shock ... the electric shock ... now my right hand feels numb ... it made me realised that before i could be really gone, at least i'll leave a msg for u here ... and i meant every single word of it ...

lost of motivation

2010-09-18T15:58:00.004+08:00

no motivation to do work

no motivation to go do sports

no motivation to go have fun

no motivation to even come online

no motivation to life

no mood to do anything

no mood to feel hurt or disappointed

no mood to even sleep

oh where, you've gone to? i need motivation to finish my work, i need the mood to sleep and rest, i need the motivation to do things ...

maybe cuz i've been doin less work these days ... felt like im useless ... i need more work to do (assignment don't count ==) ... i need to do something ... i wan do something that stands out again ... i wanna do things that make ppl smile and laugh ... but no motivation to do these things now ...

please come back ... i'm so tired and so sick ... i need the motivation and the mood to come back ...

new sem rush

2010-09-15T23:15:00.002+08:00

well cant believe it's been 5 weeks since the semester starts ... still in break mood ... haiz ... in class totally blur ... my only fav subject for this sem is tax ... i think i would be doin tax in future ... quite fun ...

anyhow, just completed first assignment for the sem ... presentation earlier today ... its for our banking and finance presentation bout liberalisation of capital market ... instead of doin the usual formal presentation, my group did a game show type ... a creative idea cuz can attract the crowd more ... but after presentation today, i was quite disappointed, especially with my presentation ... cuz i was the host for the "game show" so i should be the one who attracts the crowd attention ... but i've failed on tat ... was really disappointed with myself ... although many others told me that i did well, i knew that i could've done better, maybe i do diff style or use diff tone or make more jokes, then things could've been better ... or probably i should just let my fren be the host ... he will do a better job than me ... haihz ... im not sure bout next time ... i realised tat i've been trying to lead the group in watever assignment im in and i tried to do the most work myself, cuz i dun wan burden my other group members ... but most of the time, more problems arise from it ... so maybe i should cut some slack and let others lead now ... i'll just be the follower ... maybe ...

after this presentation, we need to complete 2k-3k report and then a week after submitting the report, we need to submit our leadership report on the leader of our choosing ... and then we need to present bout him ... haihz .. another presentation ... honestly i thought im not scared of presentation anymore, but after today i think i hav a little phobia ... anyways then we need to submit some data for our assignment two weeks after that and then a week after tat need to submit our corporate finance assignment ... its bout doin some analysis on a company ... work rush starts to come ... plus need to find internship company by ownselves ... more work now ... really need to start jiayou now ...

i shall stop my rambling now ... btw i've decided that i wont hav any expectation on people anymore ... with no expectation, there shall be no disappointment ... no disappointment, no down feeling ... hopefully i can maintain tat ...

Have A Nice Day :)

hurting, but the right thing to do

2010-09-12T19:52:00.004+08:00

im really sorry for what im doin now ... but the reason for me doin it is because i wanna make things right ... i wanna make things as how it supposed to be ... but by making things right i felt a deep pain ... a sharp blade piercing through my heart ... tats why i resorted to this action ... i thought by doin wat i did, i could make things right again and at the same time push myself away from the pain ... but i guess maybe i only achieve one of it ... maybe i've pushed and make things right but it could be tat it will be tat way in the end, without my action ... and i thought i could push the pain away but it turns out tat i felt more pain and more hurt ... i kept telling myself it'll feel this way for now, later on it shall turn out fine ...

and i hope it will ...

some time ago, i wrote this song for you and i hope that i could sing it to you one day ... this song i wrote in english but i think it's suited more in chinese but i couldn't get it translated right ...

看看你的双眼，我看到烟花，照亮了我的生活

你美丽的笑容，带给了我

你显示出你的手，和你说“不放弃，我会在那里为你”

我握住你的手，你拉我回去

在那一刻，我知道你是那个女孩

当你离开，你的微笑是我的记忆

我想牵你的手，永远不会让你走

你在我身边，和触摸天空

你使我快乐，每当我身边

我会告诉你我对你的爱

在你的生活带来幸福和欢乐，无论是多么困难

把你上 , 拿你如果你掉

我会做任何事，让你知道我爱你

guess my wish wont come true ...

just wanna say sorry for the bottom of my heart ... well tat is if i still hav it ... now i just cant wait for everything to end so tat i can leave far away from here ... i just hope tat my action results in ur eternal happiness even though it might cause me eternal pain ...

Have A Nice Day :)

P53 - the diary of a performer (closing)

2010-09-09T23:02:00.007+08:00

hey it's me again ... was supposed to post this like a few days ago ... but lazy ... anyhow im here to give a final update bout this performance ... as u all know it has been a very successful performance and each of us performers were proud to be part of it ... last saturday, we had our last gathering, the final "chapter" of the p53 performance ... so here's the update ...

Saturday, 4th September 2010

we reached kaikan about 7pm ... by then most of the people were there already ... all dressed up nicely, can see all leng cai and leng lui ... anyways we sat together in respective group ... then we watched some picture slideshow ... pictures that have been taken throughout the practice of the performance ... nice to see those pictures ... brings great flashback ... after tat the group pic and leaders performed for us ... they performed sorry sorry and nobody nobody ... after their performance, we watched our performance during the merdeka day ... we cheered and clapped throughout the performance ... some (including me) did the counting and refresh the steps again ... after watching the performance we have some time with our respective groups ... im not sure bout other groups but my group, B3 had some sharing session ... each of us need to share wat we felt at tat moment bout the performance ... it was really touching hearing all their comments ... then we had representative from each group to go to the stage and give speech ... each group should only send 2 members ... anyhow after an hour on tat section, then we had a speech from our "chu-san" ... next we had singing session, singing the 1malaysia song ... then watched video tat was taken during practice ... see ppl do gila gila stuff while manbai kau ilhamku played at the background ... after tat, cant believe its time edi ... before we dismissed, we watched the performance one last time ... then we gym boys stayed back and rearrage the chair (since the chair was pushed aside and we were sitting on floor throughout the night) ... went out and had some pictures taken ... and then went back ...

that's the reunion of P53 ... here's some picture taken throughout the performance ...

here's a picture of my group ...

here's a picture of all of us gym boys ... btw anyone can locate where i am? XD

here's all the group PIC ...

and this is the stage crew ...

finally, the soka han and byakuren ...

i know i missed out alot ... there are more pictures available throughout facebook (go see performer's profile) and u can go here http://www.sgmyouth.info/portal/ and click photo gallery P53 where u can view more pictures ...

there are a few more pics which i've taken from my group PIC, john ... here it is ...

here's my group, with the performance clothes ... well except our group leader ...

these two pictures are the human graphic tat we did ... if im not wrong it's on friday?? need refer back to the past post ...

well that's not all the human graphic tat we did ... throughout the performance, our Sensei belanja us a few stuff even though he's at Japan, which is very very far away ... so to show our appreciation to him, we did a human graphic on the sunday before performance day ...

doesnt look like real human there right? ... haha ... quite nice eh ... i was in the D ... second from top ...

anyhow wat more can i say bout this performance? ... hmm well it cant be deny tat i did gap lui throughout the practice session ... GAP only, i dun go kau wan ... anyways there's two girls in A2 ... one of them looks like yuri/yoona from snsd (sry i still cant really recognise who is who in snsd but she looks like one of them) and another girl from tat group looks like my former coursemate, lin lin ... except she was younger ... both cute looking ... then A6 group PIC not bad aso ... quite cute ... can see she quite bubbly ... the C2 female group PIC aso not bad ... although she got those "rabbit teeth" but shes quite cute as well ... maybe im fond of girls with "rabbit teeth" =P ... and C3 group leader quite "active" and beautiful as well ... hmmm if im not wrong got somemore ... alot actually but these are the ones i can remember for now ... haha ... hopefully ppl dont go find them and tell them this ... otherwise lata they think im stalker or something =P ...

one last thing before i finish posting ... wanna send my gratitude to everyone ...

Thank You, Sensei for your support and all the luxurious food we received.

Thank You, Leaders for guiding us throughout the performance and be patient with us.

Thank You, Byakuren for preparing lunch for us and packing the bread for us to tapau.

Thank You, Stage Crew for keep track of our time and fan-ning us.

Thank You, Soka Han for ensuring a smooth traffic.

Thank You, Group PIC for the great times we share and for teaching us the steps.

Thank You, fellow performers for participating in this performance.

Thank You, Mom, Dad and my sisters for your support and understanding.

Thank You, SGM members for your prayers and support to ensure success of performance.

and Thank You, to everyone else who supported us throughout the performance.

before end this post, i wanna post this lyrics sempena this performance ... it was written hastily and not really into mood ... but hopefully it's good enough to show how much i miss the whole ordeal and probably can use this for future as well ...

It's the first day, and I saw you
We were friends at first
But now you're someone special to me
Someone I'll not let go

We had lots of fun
We fought yet make up
We've worked together
Till the end, till today

So long, till we meet again
It's wonderful to have known you
I'll never forget
The tears we shed, the joys we shared

Can't believe it's the end
Hope to see you again
Wave my hands
And say goodbye

Looking back at the memories
It's been a great journey
And I'm glad that you're part of it
A part of my life

Never thought this day would come
The day when we say goodbye
And not seeing each other
For a long time

So long, till we meet again
It's wonderful to have known you
I'll never forget
The tears we shed, the joys we shared

Can't believe it's the end
Hope to see you again
Wave my hands
And say goodbye

Hold your hands one last time
Embraced the hug you gave
Watch you smile one last time
And the tears flowing down your eyes

So long, till we meet again
It's wonderful to have known you
I'll never forget
The tears we shed, the joys we shared

Can't believe it's the end
Hope to see you again
Wave my hands
And say goodbye

Have A Nice Day :)

P/S: I had a weird dream a few days back ... one of my senior told me it's illegal to post all these updates and i need to take it down ... before i took it down, i was awake edi ... anyways just wondering, it's not illegal rite to post this up??

P53 - the diary of a performer (final)

2010-09-01T20:02:00.002+08:00

it's been a wonderful journey throughout this practice ... everything that we've worked hard for, all the tears and sweat dropped, injuries and pain, exhaustion and tiredness ... it had paid off ... now let's look back at the final countdown to the performance ...

Monday, 30th August 2010

all of us had to go kaikan to stay overnight cuz we'll be leaving to stadium early tomorro morning so it's better to group all of us together ... no practice today, just a final review session ... went to ipa hall and sat together with groupmates ... after the usual evening prayers, we had a singing session ... we sang satu malaysia, which is my fav if i have to pick my favourite malaysian song ... after singing session, we were shown a few photographs which i'll share during the next post dedicated for pictures (although there's not much, i think) ... then we were given some time with our group leader to sign attendance ... after that they showed us the video from our full dressed rehearsal on sunday ... well we did quite well but there's a few "mistakes" that we should improved on ... firstly is the circle ... it looks like a puncture football ... second is our line ... must be straight ... another thing is tat we should smile throughout the performance ... after those comments on our performance, our Sensei gave a speech to us ... but he cant be here cuz he's old to travel around, so he passed his message and someone read it out ... then tat's the end of our last meeting before the performance ... we were grouped together and moved to dorm where we spent our night there ... slept off about 11 ... heard from my fren tat got fireworks and some of the boys were screaming merdeka ... but i din hear any of it ...

Tuesday, 31st August 2010

it's the day ... anyways we had to wake up at 3.30 in the morning and those who wanna have a bath can go shower ... i managed to wake up at 3.15 am and bath first before the rest woke up and crammed the bathroom ... then went down to canteen and had breads for breakfast ... after tat we left our place at 5.15 am and reached the stadium around 6am ... after this i don't have my watch or any clock around me so i dunno wats the time ... anyways once reached there, we did our warm up ... then we ran the flow with timing only ... after tat we ran again, this time form everything ... once completed we took a break ... and watched the show from the tv broadcast at our place ... as we go on to the second segment of the event, one half of us started make their way to the backstage area ... then when it reached the third segment, the other half, which im in, made our way to the backstage area ... while walking to the back, my stomach started to growl and hurt ... i felt very hungry and suddenly felt tired ... so i started to pray when we were walking to the backstage area ... at the backstage area, we had a "clash" with other groups of performers ... got some arrangement problems but was resolved ... nothing much ... as the video started playing (we have tv at backstage area as well) we did warm up and prayed silently ... i would be lying if i said i wasnt nervous, but at the same time i told myself i've done a few performances before (although not as big as this) so if i keep doin like wat i did throughout the rehearsal then i should be alright ... as the guys from the segment 4 comes in, i said my last prayers and then the music started to hit the arena ... my hungerness was gone when the music started playing and we roared our way out ...

to be honest, i blanked out when we went out ... i didnt realised wat im doin ... it's just my own body moving ... all i remembered was i saw a large crowd of audience and the lighting flashes ... i couldn't hear anything else apart from the music and the counting ... i just let my body moved on it's own ... throughout the performance, whenever i did any steps i told myself, i must get it right cuz it's the last time tat im gonna do ... when i did a formation, i told myself i shouldn't let my top fall ... it'll look bad for myself and for others ... at flow 6/7 when we zone B gathered in the center and did the fountain thing, i was doing 1.1 formation and we had to squat down then rise up ... i was out of strength at tat time, i dunno why ... but somehow i mustered out the strength within me and with the help of my supporter, i managed to complete tat formation ... the final part, 4 level tower, was the scariest moment, not only for me but for other performers who were doin the 4 level tower as well ... it happened like this (from what i see, i could be wrong) ... as the second level and the third level got into position, the top then climbed up ... we were told before this to go up either following the counting or our own timing ... once the top up, it was closed to the timing tat we should up but one of them yelled "base, let's go" ... so suddenly they had to go up ... when the base went up, it was a little unstable and then the second having some difficulty stabling themselves as well ... thankfully got supporters (including me) who hold on to the second level's leg ... then the third level went up and there's a big gap between them so when the top rised up, he was quite unstable ... we supporter down there were prepared for anything tat might happen ... the tower tilted a little and the top loses his balance ... but he managed to compose himself and shoot himselfto stand tall for the last few seconds ... maybe our prayers, no, everyone's prayers helped us maintain the four level tower up ... when the music stops playing and the top came down, there was a huge sigh of relieve ... we rushed back to backstage and jogged back to our spot which is the dewan sri putra ...

once we reached there, some of us started jumping and throwing their cap up ... a huge roar and then we clapped our hands as other performers made their way back to the area ... eventually all of us (minus those who were involved in finale) came back and rested ... zone B then grouped in where the leaders congratulate us for the performance and some of us had a moment of speech, thanking ppl and all ... it was a very satisfying feeling ... no words tat can describe tat ... once the talk over, then we were free to do anything ... i was watching the remaining performance throughout the event and we saw our fellow comrades in the finale ... we sang along at the finale ... well sort of ... the tv no sound so we cant follow the tune and eventually we toned down ... then we (when i say we, it's all performers in general) started signing autographs at each other's cap and taking pictures (im not involved in any) ... then the finale ppl came back and we applaused for them ... after resting a while, the leaders started talking ... then we had a "resting" session ... my group grouped in together and talked bout how we felt ... all of us had to talk including me ... while tat some other SGM members came ... i saw leemei (my closest SGM friend) on top and i waved at her but i think she didnt see me ... tat time got a few ppl see me waving then look up and saw no one waving back at me and they look back ... so i paiseh afta tat ... tats why din wave any further ... anyways then we had ice cream session ... while ice cream session, lee mei finally spotted me ... anyways thought wan go up take picture with her but tat time my group members were all together, so i sked to just walk away from them ... plus she got a lot of frens up there so quite paiseh to go aso ... after ice cream session, i think, they gave some announcement then we grouped in according to bus grouping and went back to kaikan ... had ayamas for lunch and then changed our clothes and returned the performance clothes ... went back after tat ...

well it was a wonderful experience in my life ... not regret participating in this performance ... watever doubts tat i had bout participating in this were vanished and *poof* away ... so far there's no "official" video of the performance ... but i found three videos recorded by the audience ...

it's from kee ling and u can check it out here
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/video/video.php?v=143348265701183&ref=mf

or from jocelyn yap
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/video/video.php?v=466428694879&ref=mf

or from leevenchoon ... its youtube video so i've posted the video here ... thanks alot for the video ya ;)

and i just found out from youtube ... the tv3 broadcast ... i havent watch it myself yet ... wanna thank skychin88 (i think it's stacey chin, a sgm member who i've met a long time ago but not close) for the video ... again i'll post it here ...

so those who missed it, you can watch it from these videos ... it's all the same but from different angle only ... after watching it several times, i think we did a great job ... except the circle is not fully round ... but i think its better compared to the full dress rehearsal ... and i think i didnt see any formation fall ... so i think i'll rate 9/10 for us ... 1 mark deduction for the circle ... anyways can't wait for the next performance ... but hopefully by then my knees would be fully recovered ... been feeling sharp pain at my knees since the beginning, so i cant really move around freely ... always felt tight and cant move well ... but i'll take this time to recover ...

the journey does not end here yet ... this saturday we'll be having like a reunion night ... i think we're gonna watch the "official" video, get reviews and hav each group sending representative to talk ... although this saturday will be the end chapter of the P53 performance, i guess i'll stop the journal of the performance here ... good memories cannot be relived but it can live in our heart forever ... hmmm ... sounds like an inspiration for a song for next post ;) ... anyways next post shall be the pictures and probably the song ... we'll see how ...

Have A Nice Day :)

P53 - the diary of a performer (part vii)

2010-08-29T22:07:00.002+08:00

well im back ... for the second last update of this performance ... it has been a wonderful journey ... cant believe i managed to "survive" this long ... anyways as stated in the previous post, we had a long succession of practices for this upcoming performance ... here's the breakdown of what happenned ...

Wednesday, 25th August 2010

well i did not attend for this practice, cuz of two reasons ... one is because i had reserved my place for some meeting tat i've promised to attend and it's till 5 something ... and i actually need to reach the stadium by 5 ... so i cant make it on time ... plus my leg felt sore, especially my knee area ... but from wat i heard they did whole lots of run for the flow ... i think they ran the whole thing for like 4-5 times ... and when they reached home its already 11 plus and then need reach the pickup point by 530 somemore ... so imagine their tiredness ... well i could say im "lucky" to miss tat practice ... cuz i know i will be totally drained out ... anyways they did change a small part but its something minor so nothing really new ...

Thursday, 26th August 2010

well we had to be at the pickup point (which is the kelana jaya stadium) by 530am ... so we boarded the bus and reached dewan sri putra which is at the back of the stadium putra bukit jalil, the performance place ... we grouped up there and had a brief discussion bout wats goin on and all ... today we're gonna combine with other outsiders for the full run of the entire event ... so after warming up, we went to the stadium putra and lined up at the backstage area ... quite crampy cuz there's other performers as well ... in total, there're 8 performances and each performance, from wat i see has bout 100 plus people ... so try to imagine all of us cramped in the backstage area ... anyways was a little nervous cuz will be goin out on stage for the first time ... there were audience present but not many of course ... after the run we went back to the dewan sri putra ... rested there ... most of the performers quite exhausted .. can see a few lying on the floor, or leaning on their fren's back ... or just rested their head down ... anyways i dun recall we did anything significant ... lunch time we had KFC courtesy of our Ikeda Sensei who belanja us ... thank you Sensei ... after lunch i think we just run flow once more then call it a day ... finished early than schedule ... i think by 3 something went back edi ... cuz all quite tired so no point if keep pushing ... anyways at night was supposed go out with a group of my frens but couldnt cuz of my committment to the performance ... need sleep early ... and my other group of frens met tat group of frens .. so i was thinking how much fun they all had ... tat night i was thinking again why did i really joined the performance ... thought bout it throughout the night but in the end i remembered the main reason why i joined this performance and was inspired to go for practice again ...

Friday, 27th August 2010

well same as yesterday ... we met at kj stadium at 530 and boarded bus go bukit jalil ... anyhow today group 3 which is A3, B3 and C3 got the performance clothes ... we were asked to wear it ... it looks really nice ... there's blue, yellow and red stripes on the shirt and pants as well ... so when we wear those clothes, can see the shirt and pants matching ... hopefully we can keep it =x ... anyhow we had rehearsal at the stadium again ... after stadium, we came back to dewan sri putra and relaxed while other groups (well all groups from zone A and zone C except A5 (i think) and C2) were involved in the finale of the event where they go back out to the stadium and wave flag and sing song ... while waiting for them to complete the finale, the leaders took a look at our clothes and decided to make small changes ... during flow 1 and flow 4 ... cuz its to take advantage of the nice-ness of our clothing ... before lunch and when others came back, we learned the new steps ... not entirely new though ... just small changes ... and after lunch we continued learning and get used to it ... we also improve on our flow 4 by repositioning ourselves ... then we went out to the stadium and rehearse there 2 rounds ... just us, no other performances apart from us ... after running bout 2-3 times then we headed back ...

Saturday, 28th August 2010

this morning abit special ... instead of meeting at 530, we had to be at the pickup point by 430 >.< ... went there and had the rehearsal again ... came back to dewan sri putra ... then the other group of performers wanted used our usual spot for practiced so we shifted to diff place ... actually just to the second floor ... tat place was a two level place ... the ground floor, first floow (toilet area) and then second floor ... anyways since got nothing to do so most of us slept ... when we woke up its time for lunch ... after lunch while waiting for further instruction, they played the performance song ... and without instructed we performed as accordance to the song ... and i think we did great ... although we din form any formation but can feel the spirit is there ... then we went back to the stadium putra and the technical staff tested the lighting for us ... once the lighting stuff set then we went back ...

Sunday, 29th August 2010

well its our final practice session ... cant believed time flies so fast ... anyways meet up at 430 again ... went to stadium putra ... everyone changed to full performance clothing ... and we need wear a cap as well ... then went to the stadium and did full run ... everything form ... everything did complete ... after tat we came back to dewan sri putra and rested there ... while waiting for other groups to finish their finale my group (B3) played around with taking pictures ... since there's second floor, so we "slept on the ground" and did a really cool pose ... and had it taken from the second floor ... then we had a B3 group meeting where a few of us "motivate" and "encourage" all of us to do our best ... then we had our lunch .. after lunch we had ice cream ... thanks to our Ikeda Sensei again ... throughout the day there's cameraman with video camera taking video of us and all of us thank Sensei for his support ... after lunch we did a human-pose letters tat says "Arigato Ikeda Sensei" ... heard the picture is really nice ... hopefully i can get hold of the picture and post it here ... after tat we run flow for one last time and went back ...

well i may hav miss out one or two things but im writing watever tat i can remember now ... anyways tomorro is monday and according to our schedule we were supposed to hav practice ... but we were really worn out so tomorro no practice ... which means i'll be goin to class ... but tomorro by 6-7pm need reach kaikan where we gonna hav some sharing session then overnight there ... then next morning we'll board to bukit jalil stadium ...

just incase ur wondering which is our performance, it is segment 5 which is "Model Ekonomi Baru" ... we'll be wearing a blue, yellow and red stripe shirt with full blue colour at the back ... and we'll be wearing white cap as well ... the song will be some slow violin sound first and then suddenly shift into fast-tempo beat ... and we'll be screaming "hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" on the way out where we will form a circle in the center ... the rest can see on tat day ...

more clues on when our performance ... segment 3 is nkra performance ... if im not wrong its some colour board lighting thing ... they carry board and then change colour ... then the next segment is segment 4 of course ... got giant satellite being pushed out ... dunno whether they show on tv or not ... but definately they'll play the satu malaysia song and another song while showing video on the malaysian brand ... got proton, pos malaysia, astro and all sort of tat ... in the end got all those logo together ... i think the video is bout 5-9 mins long (sry i cant estimate well, plus there's no time in the area so dunno how long is it) ... after the video is our performance ... hopefully they will show on tv ... the event starts at 7am and ends at 930am so anyone who wanna watch need wake up early ... anyhow tat's all the update for the performance ... will gambateh for the performance ... it could be my last one ... hope u all enjoy following the entire journey ...

Have A Nice Day :)

P53 - the diary of a performer (part vi)

2010-08-24T19:55:00.002+08:00

back again with update ... just a week to go ... getting excited ...

Saturday, 21st August 2010

well today was a day off for us ... we went back to kaikan and then had dinner ... before tat they told us no dinner so i ate before i came == ... anyways makan again =P ... then went to ipa hall and basically we just watch video from last week when we run the entire thing ... before watching video our group leader (18 groups x 2 leaders per group = 36) performed for us ... they dance on nobody by wonder girls and sorry sorry from dbsk ... after watching the video the leader told us where our mistakes are ... hopefully we'll be able to improve on it tomorro ... they played the finally-completed performance song ... then got some encouragement sharing and then sang the national song (jalur gemilang and satu malaysia) ... went back afta tat ...

Sunday, 22nd August 2010

went to titiwangsa stadium again ... we started practice again afta a break yesterday ... but it seemed tat we were less motivated despite the break ... so our leader, hoong hooi need to "be strict" to all of us ... firstly we run the flow from the beginning with the dance step ... we need to redo the dance step again and again and hold our position at some time so tat we hav the hand position right ... then next is flow 2 and flow 3 ... zone B got nothing much to do ... so get to relax and watch others ... then did the flow 4 which is the domino flow ... again same as first flow we redo and do and do again and hold the position as well ... by the time we completed those its time for lunch ... fried rice for everyone ... after lunch continued the practice ... zone B went outside open space and run flow 5, 6 and 7 ... again we got the "level 1 hairdryer treatment" ... then we did the tower flow ... then 3 tower did ok ... the 4 level tower not so .. first 2-3 tries the top couldnt get up ... then in our final try the top managed to maintain for 10 seconds ... its a positive sign for us ... then we went back to the stadium and we run the whole flow with the music ... we run it 3 times ... first time timing only ... second time and third time up formation ... and i think we did quite well ... then they distributed the permission letter to show our teachers/lecturers/employers tat we hav to absent for a certain period of time ... then my bus was the last to go off ... and i had to rush to fren's bday party ... but tats another story ...

well it's just one week to go ... and there's hectic schedule ahead ... here's our schedule for the one week:

Wednesday (25th August 2010) 6pm - 9pm
Thursday till Monday ( 26 - 30th August 2010) 7am - 5pm
Tuesday (31st August 2010) 630am - 1030am

gonna be tiring days ahead ... its the combination of all other performance as well ... so means got other ppl there and i assume we will stone there and watch their performance ... anyways not sure how im gonna update the following few weeks of practice ... anyways this performance is replacing the usual morning parade ... usually every merdeka day in the morning got marching parade wan but this year has been replaced with this performance ... the details for the performance as follow;

Time: starts at 7am
Place: Stadium Nasional Bukit Jalil

for those who wanna catch the performance, i think they'll be showing on tv ... the usual tv1 or tv2 ... my fren said he saw the advertisement at tv8 so maybe can try tat channel aso ... if im not wrong there are 8 performances overall and our performance is the fifth ... number 5 ... and if im not wrong our performance will be the most ppl wan which is 450 people ... anyways just an indication on which is our performance, we will start with a group of guys running in from left and right screaming "hooooooooooooooooo" ... then we will form a circle ... the rest can watch by urself =P ... if there's "word on the screen" saying who's performing, then our performance is Soka Gakkai Malaysia ...

hopefully my frens all will catch it on tv ... and hope they will enjoy it ... and of course hopefully all of us will perform at our best ... hope someone would record it and show me ... wanna see how is it ... any updates hopefully i'll update here ...

P53 - the diary of a performer (part v)

2010-08-21T00:54:00.003+08:00

heyz ... well to be honest i get kinda lazy to update edi ... but after thinking how i would cherish it after the performance makes me motivated to record it down and keep it for memory sake ...

Saturday, 14th August 2010

well starting from last week, we hav to take bus to go to our training place ... and rest assure that the bus this time has good aircond ... anyways this time we went to dewan seri putra/puteri (forgot which one) for training ... its located at the back of the stadium putra bukit jalil, which is our performance place ... when reached there, group together and take attendance ... today's attendance quite low ... for my group though, not sure overall ... and this proves difficult for us ... cause today we had to modify some of the steps ...

well it begins when we run the first flow which is the dance step ... many of us kinda forget edi and i just barely managed to get it all right ... after doin these steps and improve on the sharpness, then we proceed to the third flow ... oh yea by the way all of us combined for this session of practice ... we ran through flow 2 and 3 ... there's a change in positioning and how we going to move ... for zone A and zone C i think there's changes in their dance steps but not much though ... then next flow is the flow 4 which is the domino ... there are 3 sub-flow in this flow ... the first part is the same movement ... but this time instead of having eight 8s, we squeeze it all in into four 8s ... practiced a while on the timing and then we had our dinner ...

once dinner over, then we proceed to second part of flow 4 ... which is the mafan part ... cuz this wan needs group coordination and position ... unfortunately half of my group members not present so it's difficult to get the position right ... anyways its hard to explain what we need to do ... but we couldnt get it right the first few times cuz not familiar with the timing and lack of ppl ... then the third part remains the same ... no changes ... after learning all those then we ran the entire flow 4 ... then we zone B went outside and practiced our flow 5 ... and we got "scolded" for the lack of motivation ... anyways time was running out so we went back in and group together ... then went back ... unfortunately our bus came late so we need wait a long time ...

Sunday, 15th August 2010

wake up quite early ... cuz need reach the stadium by 730 cuz bus leaving at 8 ... the usual procedure up to reaching the place ... i fall asleep during the bus ride though so im not sure how to go to that place ... but its at titiwangsa stadium ... on the way back i managed to take a glance and its quite a beautiful place .. got other stuff like tracks, horse riding, fishing place and etc ... anyways boared down the bus and then went group in ... take attendace and keep bag as usual ...

then we started practice by running the flow 4 so tat our memory remain fresh ... then without warning we zone B went outside for practice ... under the hot sun without applying sun block >.< ... get darker edi ... anyways practiced flow 5 ... small changes made last night so need practice over and over again ... then proceed to flow 6 ... no problem aso ... just tat we were told on how to move to proceed to the next flow ... then went to the last flow which is flow 8 (flow 6 and flow 7 is a combination for zone B) which is the tower flow ... the 3 level tower did alright ... they can get up and down ... but 4 level tower which im in got problem ... they cut down the number of base cuz it gets wide if too many base and if its wide then the 2nd and 3rd lvl has space between them, making the top difficult to stand ... anyways i was assigned to be the 2nd supporter but changed to support base ... we did a few times up to 3rd lvl only ... then we tried to put top but unfortunately the tower tumble ... managed to "save" the top and 3rd and 2nd lvl but one of the 3rd lvl fell down and injured himself ... the medics attend to him ... then we group in and given some speech ... then move in for lunch ... while lunching the guy who fell (my group member as well) made his way back and all of us zone B gave him a round of applause ...

after lunch ... did warm up ... then ran the whole thing one by one ... ran the opening flow as well and get the position right ... once all of that complete then we ran 3 rounds ... all with music but music up to flow 5 only ... first round just run for timing .. second round form formation but up to 2nd lvl only for watever formation ... means the 3.1.1 top not up and the tower top not up ... the first two run no problem ... then we run for one last time ... which is running like its the real performance ... and we did it ... i gotta say tat im quite beat out but it was quite satisfying ... i think we all did great just maybe one or two minor problems ... can iron out after practicing a few more rounds ... guess the next two weeks we'll do just tat ... but one thing im concern is that the 4 lvl tower havent up including top yet ... just hope we can get it right the next round of practice ... then went back ... and hav a good rest =) ...

that's all the update for now ... gonna catch some zzz now ...

Have A Nice Day :)

不能说的秘密

2010-08-20T00:27:00.003+08:00

there are alot of things i wanna say it out ... alot of things that i've bottled it inside ... but i hav to keep it just the way it is ... i couldn't let others know wat is it ... well its not tat i do not trust anyone at all ... but i just discovered tat i told something to my fren and somehow it leaked out to others ... and i've told him before not to tell others bout it ... thankfully there's not much damage ... but it definately showed me tat i shouldnt trust anyone ...

but of course i still do trust a few ppl ... but unfortunately i cant tell them bout the thing tat im bottling up ... i hav my own reasons for it but definately not because i dun trust those few ppl tat i trust anymore ...

i used to write all my thoughts here ... now i dunno why i dun express myself much ... maybe cuz there's many readers now tat i dun know of? ... i dunno ... but whether its the past or present i still wouldnt write wat i kept inside of me here ...

maybe i'll just write a few words here ... just to make myself better for now ...

pain, feelings, sacrifices, heart, die

ahhh ... it feels a little better ... tats as much things tat i would say here ... and it shall remain as a secret till the day that i leave here ... then maybe someone would access my blog account and read the secrets ...

不能说的秘密

Have A Nice Day :)

messages

2010-08-18T21:03:00.002+08:00

haihz ... just found out (and not the first time) tat i didnt get messages through msn ... make ppl misunderstood me eh >.< ...

anyways just wanna make note here ... if anyone msg me or trying to get through me and i didn't reply, just msg me again and nudge me ... till i reply ... i will reply de ... i never dun wan reply ppl especially sms ...

so just wan emphasise again, if i din reply u there's only two reasons ... first is i didnt get ur msg ... if no reply afta 10 mins the msg is sent then send another msg again and hopefully i'll get it ... and second reason is if i die *touch wood* ...

hopefully all of u understand bout it ... really sorry cuz i didnt meant to not talk or reply ... no worries de im always available at any time (except sat 3pm-10pm and sun 8am-5pm for this month only ... other than tat will be free)

Have A Nice Day :)

birthday ...

2010-08-12T08:38:00.003+08:00

birthday is supposed to be a happy day ... where ppl celebrate the number of years they live on this earth ... joys and laughters fill the day as the birthday boy/girl would get present and wishes from their family members and friends ...

for me ... well i do get all those as well ... but out of the previous 18 years, i can only recall only 2 years tat im happy during my bday ... i dunno but i guess my past experience during my bday had cause me to see that there's no significance in celebrating my bday ... i mean whats the point of celebrating it? ... sometimes i curse this day, why i would be borned ... cuz most part of my life i've been suffering with pain and loneliness ...

in the past with what i can recall, my birthday usually was the worst day of the year ... i still remember when im young, bout 3-5 years old i was celebrating bday with my sis cuz her's was 3 days away from mine ... and my grandma gave her 3 bucks (which was alot at tat time) while i got a not-working mickey mouse watch ... of course when im young i do not think much bout it but now tat i recall, it hurts me a little ... but this is just a small thing ... during primary skool, i dun think there's any of my frens wished me happy birthday ... usually i'll be celebrating with my family and my uncle's family living next door ... and since young im longing for chocolate cake but my cousins and my sister do not eat chocolate so i had to settle for other cakes which is not much of my liking at tat time ... what kind of birthday is it if the birthdayee (=.=) dun even eat the cake?? ... when i came to secondary skool, it was a little better ... there were some frens who wished me during the day, but i guess being teenager and acting like a rascal, many sees this as an opportunity ... i dunno bout other skool but last time during the form 1-3 period, whoever's bday on tat day will get splash with water and occasionally throwed with flour and eggs ... managed to escape it with minimal damage ... but wat hurts me at tat time was only a handful of people remembered my birthday and it's one of the person who reminded others bout it and they immediately grab me and try splash me ... i mean if u wanna do it, at least hav the liberty to remember the day rite ... looks like taking advantage ... and some of the years none of them remembered except some last minute wishes ... but the last blow was during my 16th bday when i planned to go play football with my frens only to be dragged along to go phone hunting for my sis bday ... it hurts cuz on my birthday i was supposed to do something tat i wan ... but i've been dragged along to some stuff which wasnt enjoyable for me ... after tat i told myself ... i wouldnt wan to celebrate bday anymore ...

but when i stepped in sunway, things change a little ... my frens celebrated and its quite grand as well ... the past two years were filled with memories, for me ... but looking back i realised tat on each occasion i do not know how to react ... im just stoning there ... i guess maybe cuz of the old wound from the past pain cause my feelings to be numb now ... it needs time ...

anyways im trying to look at the bright side now ... although i hav to say tat i dun really care much anymore if anyone wishes me or throw me a party ... if they don't then it's ok ... it further "emphasise" on my belief tat i shouldnt celebrate my bday ... but those tat do wishes me and probably throw me a surprise party or something, i hav to say sorry in advance ... i don't know how im gonna react ... i dunno whether im gonna be happy or surprised ... i guess it needs some time for the old wound to heal ...

nevertheless whatever happens, if i were to blow candles and make wishes today, i'll be making 3 wishes ...

i) for all my family members and my friends to be safe and healthy throughout the year

ii) to achieve first class degree in the course that i'm in now

well the third wish i shall keep it to myself ... but i think you could roughly guess wat is it ...

i guess tat's all that's on my mind ... hope that i'll be able to change my outlook on this ...

update: well it's more than half day gone now ... although there's no surprise, big celebration or a group of friends gathering, i'm still quite happy ... i dunno why though ... i guess maybe it's wat i wanted ... just wishes and not troubling ppl to celebrate my bday ... no point wasting their time celebrating it ... anyways all i wanna say now is im happy ... surprisingly happier than last year despite last year having group of friends celebrating ...

Have A Nice Day :)

P53 - the diary of a performer (part iv)

2010-08-11T13:14:00.002+08:00

heyz ... back with the latest update on the performance ...

Saturday, 7th August 2010

it's august now ... which means the day to the performance is getting closer ... anyways instead of setting out the usual time at 5pm, today went out at 2pm ... the reason is because from now onwards we'll be using bus to go to our practice place ... there are five regions in our Selangor state and each region will have their performers group together and board the bus to go to the practice place ... as for my region (region 2), our meeting point was at kelana jaya stadium ... we reached there and then had our attendance taken ... after the attendance was taken, then we boarded the bus ... there's 2-3 bus in total ... the "group" of bus tat i'm in is KL4 ... anyways one of the guys requested for the bus which looks newer from the outside and we boarded tat bus ... found out tat the aircond was not "powerful" enough ... just got abit air only ... so i sweat before reaching the practice place ... anyways before this my senior told me that we'll be goin to stadium and i thought goin stadium practice ... but turns out tat we're goin stadium for the meet up point only ... we then travelled to our kaikan (our religious place a.k.a. "temple) and went to dorm where we're divided in groups again ... anyways after our usual prayer, we watched some video on the inaguration of our Sensei from University Malaya on the 2nd August 2010, which is few days back ... and then we watched video on our organisation, SGM's past history ... it's in cantonese so i interpret the whole thing based on the pictures only ... after tat we had dinner around 6 and when we're done which is almost 7, we went out practice ... this time, everyone went to the field ... we run the whole flow of performance one by one ... from the beginning to the end cuz to test whether we're "aware" of how the performance would go since we learned those flow separately so we dun hav the "feel" on how it would go ... in each flow we were given some amount of time to practice it, getting the steps right and probably assign position to those who weren't present during the practice of tat flow ... since i wasnt present last sunday, i missed the position for the last flow ... then my group leader put me as supporter for the 4 level tower ... was a bit disappointed though cuz i was hoping to become the base ... but supporter is equally important as well so i cant take that position lightly ... after some time refreshing our memory on those flow, then we fully run the entire thing from the start till the end ... just once and there's stop in between with comment ... we ran out of time so after some announcement, we were grouped back to our bus group and board our bus to go back ... oh yea my bus ppl had to suffer blackout and heat for like 20mins + cuz the bus driver dunno go where so when we board the bus, it was dark and no aircond ... haihz ... that's why don't judge the book by it's cover ... or rather don't judge the bus by it's nice-ness ...

Sunday, 8th August 2010

it begins similar as yesterday when we had to go to kelana jaya stadium and meet up ... then board bus to our practice place (this time the bus looks old but the aircond was superb =D) ... anyways this time we didn't go kaikan, instead we went to cheras badminton stadium ... when we reached there others already there cuz our bus came late ... had the usual procedure of taking attendance and keeping bags ... then after warm up, we started practice ... started from the first flow which is the dance step ... we had to brush on our sharpness ... those hand movements must be swift and steady so tat it looks nice ... after spending some time on it, then we proceed to the next flow ... since we, zone B doin differently than zone A and C, we took this opportunity to do our opening flow ... by the way the opening will start with us, zone B (gym boys) running in ... and we shoot rocket up ... after practice on tat, then we move out to the car park (tar road) and we run and did our timing there ... we got the hairdryer treatment (football fans should know wat it means) cuz of our lack of motivation ... after being pumped up, then we went back in and combine with others ... then we run the flow from the dance step (first flow) to the third flow ... after tat we had our lunch ... they packed the food quite alot cuz usually its not entirely full container but today's lunch the container quite full and packed ... after our lunch then we did warm up again and then learn the flow 4 steps (domino) ... they reshuffle those steps and so we had to learn again ... but not much different from the previous so we're able to get it right ... then we move on to the next flow ... for us (zone B), we were doing the turning ... so we tried tat out and decided tat using the advance technique to do 1.5 and 1.1 (which is standing and jumping straight onto position) would not have enough time and some fumble when doin it ... so we changed to squat technique ... then we did the fountain turning thing ... we rehearsed it a few times ... which means i had to do 1.1 about 3 times ... remember my previous post i said the guy was quite big compared to usual top ... so i had to carry him on my shoulder 3 times and walked ... almost tak boleh tahan but by tat time they let us rest edi ... the last flow which is the tower flow which we havent managed to practice on it ... then we re-run the entire performance 3 times ... first time we stopped flow by flow to see our position and get familiar with it .. second time, with music, we ran the entire thing non stop but watever formation tat we're supposed to do, we are not allow to do cuz its just to let us get use to the timing ... the last time we run, we are allowed to do the formation, except for tower and 3.1.1 ... it was exhausting but nevertheless it's a happy exhaustion ... cuz i felt tat (and others would feel tat) we are one step closer in being completely ready for the performance ... once finish whole thing, we were grouped with our bus group and board the bus back ... since my senior fetched me back, was also the bus PIC, we had to wait for everyone to go back first ... stoned at the stadium for almost an hour but was very happy when reach home ...

so this is the journey so far for the performance ... 20 days to go from today ... cant wait for it ... by the way the performance will be during merdeka day and its at stadium putra bukit jalil (the indoor stadium) ... so if anyone interested, u can come and watch us perform ... not only us though cuz there's other outside performers as well ... but i think we'll be the one with the most performers (400 i think) and our performance would be the fifth out of eight performances ... not sure whether need ticket or not but will post if got further info bout it ... hope u guys enjoy reading it ...

Have A Nice Day :)

P53 - the diary of a performer (part iii)

2010-08-07T12:04:00.002+08:00

heyz ... well i know im a few weeks late ... din update bout the performance ... dun really hav the mood to write bout it ... but here i am now ... updating the practice that happened for the past two weeks ...

Saturday, 24th July 2010

well today the ipa was used for some meeting ... so we had to meet up at dorm ... since there's a large group of us, we were divided into two dorms ... A1, A2, A3, B1, B2, B3, C1, C2 & C3 were grouped at M1 while the rest at F1 ... anyways did our usual prayers before going practice ... after that zone B (the gym zone) needed to go out to field again ... once head out to field, brighten with the spotlight, we did warm up first ... after that they taught us how to do flow 4 which is the domino ... there are alot of variation that has been done for domino befoe but i think this is the first time im doin this type of variation ... anyways there's calis to be learned for this flow as well ... all of us doin the same calis but just different position and different timing ... the importance of this flow is the timing ... when one group comes up at certain time followed by another group, then u can see the domino effect (well thats wat im told, im not sure how it looks like) ... well the calis move is quite easy but since we've learned whole lot of calis in the past flow, so we tend to forget some steps ... after practicing a while, then both zone A and zone C joined us at the field ... and we run through this flow to see the domino effect which i think was a success ... anyhow after tat we were dismissed but before that, we went to canteen and collect our luggage as well as some breads for night eating ...

Sunday, 25th July 2010

well basically the same procedure as usual ... had breakfast at the canteen ... then head to ipa where our attendance were taken and did prayers ... after keeping our stuff then as usual zone B headed out to the field ... need to apply sunblock cuz its gonna be a long day out ... anyways honestly i cant really remember the sequence of what we did but basically we did the opening flow calis again incase if anyone of us forgot ... oh yea of course warm up in the beginning ... and then we continued from last week where i said i was doing 1.1 at first but after tat im doin 1.5 ... well in this flow we're doing a turning ... we hav the tallest formation (3.1.1) in the middle followed by rocket, 1.1, 1.5 and standing in every four side ... and we have 3 sets of it ... well as u can imagine, its gonna be like tallest middle then getting shorter ... when up in the formation, we need to rotate into different position within 2 of the eight counts ... which comes up to a 180 degree of position change ... so we spent some time polished on tat flow ... each set is a combination of 2 groups btw ... like my set, its my group (B3) combined with B4 ... we did quite fast compared to others cuz not to lanci but my group got alot of huge bases and super top ... so when they do anything, they can do it immediately ... after running through it, then we stopped for lunch ...

after lunch, then we continued with our training under the intense hot sun ... we proceed to the next flow which is ... well theres no name for it ... but lemme describe it ... we're doin a formation 4.2.1 and the top (which is the 1) need to jump down and the rest of us catched him ... well its not too difficult for this formation, but the top needs to have courage and the receiver (those people who catched the top) need to have the strength and concentration cuz they need to follow where the top gonna jump down and catch him ... well wat was my position? ... i was supporting the second to go up and catch him when comin down time ... not difficult ... anyways after some practice on that, then we run the full flow from the opening ... in the middle of running it started raining ... so we went for shelter in front of the ipa ... yan lim, one of our gym senior shared some experience with us and asked us to close our eyes and imagine what we suppose to do while he made the counting for the timing of the performance ... then he invented a clap and later called it something (not sure cuz its in cantonese ==) ... then we went back in ipa and a ymd shared his experience ... then we were dismissed ...

Saturday, 31st July 2010

it's a rainy day ... lucky we set out early cuz its very jam ... reached there on time but others not so fortunate i guess ... group up at ipa, take attendance as usual and of course prayers ... then we zone B, who usually heads out to field, went to dorm this time cuz its still raining ... anyways the flow tat i mentioned earlier bout the top jumping down was scrap off ... dunno y ... but it's replaced with the fountain turning like the 6.15 performance we did in the year 2008 ... so we need a 3.1.1, rockets, 1.1, 1.5 and standing ... i forgot each need how many edi >.< ... but anyways im doin 1.1 ... my top quite huge size but im proud that i managed to lift him up cuz the last time i did 1.1, i tak boleh tahan wan but this time can tahan edi means improving =P ... anyways they gave me a supporter just incase cuz after lifting them up from squating position, then we need to walk for 2 counts of eight ... well the whole night we spent on practicing the formation and then we combine and turn ... it looks nice i guess ... anyways that's all for the night ... they told us tat tomorro we'll be doin the last flow which is the tower ... and im gonna miss it cuz of my sis convo >.< ... hopefully i'll still get some good position though ...

anyways that's the update for the performance ... finished this post bout 12.40pm saturday morning ... gonna head out soon for practice at 2 ... heard tat we're goin stadium today and practice XD ... cant wait

Have A Nice Day :)

big dilemma

2010-08-05T22:56:00.004+08:00

well i'm now less than two weeks away from the beginning of the sem ... and i have a very big dilemma ... not really dilemma, its more like a "problem" ...

with 10 days left till the beginning of next sem, i am now out of idea on how to spend my time ... last night while i was lying down, trying to sleep i suddenly thought of something ... and i was determined to find out the answer when i woke up ...

so after doing those usual stuff, now i'm stuck with having nothing to do ... i remembered bout the problem tat i thought of last night and began thinking and searching for the answer ...

what problem was that? ... well i'm having difficulty in differentiating snsd members (sure got =.=) ... honestly i cant really tell apart these 9 girls ... look at the picture ...they all almost look the same >.< ...

for now im able to recognise two members ... sunny (cuz of her nose) and yoona ... other ppl said that yoona is the pretty one, the one who's always at the center ... well most of the time i guess ... so 2 members down, 7 more to go ... hopefully by end of this holiday i'll be able to know who is who ...

anyways site reference:

http://super-kpop.blogspot.com/2009/07/how-to-differentiate-snsd-members.html

http://emilzy.wordpress.com/2009/11/14/snsd-they-do-look-alike/

waste time post i know =.= ... but just to keep this blog alive ...

Have A Nice Day :)

Pantai Remis & Pangkor trip (picture edition - group photo)

2010-07-24T13:50:00.003+08:00

that's all for the picture edition of the trip ... hope u all enjoy this post ... wanna say thanks again to the four photographers (bryan, guanlim, henghao and june) and also to those who went along the trip as well as those reading it ... hope to have an enjoyable time with every single one of u =)

Have A Nice Day :)

Pantai Remis & Pangkor trip (picture edition - last day & scenery)

2010-07-24T13:27:00.010+08:00

Pantai Remis & Pangkor trip (picture edition - Pangkor area)

2010-07-24T13:15:00.009+08:00

Pantai Remis & Pangkor trip (picture edition - night BBQ and first night sleep)

2010-07-23T14:10:00.002+08:00

Pantai Remis & Pangkor trip (picture edition - boat ride)

2010-07-23T13:44:00.015+08:00

Pantai Remis & Pangkor trip (picture edition - arrival and steamboat)

2010-07-22T23:58:00.007+08:00

Pantai Remis & Pangkor trip (picture edition - the 18 of us)

2010-07-22T23:33:00.005+08:00

100th post!!!

2010-07-22T18:29:00.002+08:00

its the 100th post for this blog ... a milestone ... so what way to celebrate this milestone by posting things of my own? =P

anyways here's a song i just wrote, inspired by the recent events ... hope you enjoy it ...

Special One

Look at the sky
Reminds me of you
Your beautiful eyes

Look at the sea
A beautiful scenery
Not as compare to you
Your beautiful smile

Cause when I look at you
You drown me up like a sea
When I stare at you
You blew me away

There's million things I wanna say to you
But when I look into your eyes, I'm mesmerised
Beautiful landscape I see, travelling in the boat
But none as beautiful as compared to you

Looking back the photographs
So many people around, yet I only see you
You're the stand out in the crowd
Cause you're the special one

When you're sitting over there
And I'm standing right here
Wanna sit next to you, whisper the words
Make you feel like how you made me feel

The way you swept me off my feet
With the smile of yours
Oh, you should've been locked up
Stay in my heart forever

Cause when I look at you
You smile, that's all I need
When I stare at you
Your eyes blinded mine, but it's okay

If I would have a chance
I might walk to you, tell you things I kept inside
No matter what you think, or how you feel
I just wanna let you know how you make me feel

Cause this feeling's so real
Even if you don't feel the same way as I do
I'll still be happy with where we are now
cause it's been everything I'm hoping for

You know girl, you're the special one
No one took my heart like the way you do
If only you feel the same way as I do
That will be a dream come true

i also changed the blog template, giving it a refreshing look =D

Have A Nice Day :)

Pantai Remis & Pangkor trip (picture edition)

2010-07-22T17:17:00.003+08:00

heyz ... well while filtering those photos taken by heng hao, june and bryan, i've realised that there's so many pictures to post up even after filtering it ... so i'll be making separate post for each "timeline" ... will be posting soon ... still waiting for guanlim to upload his pictures ... anyways there wont be any description for the pictures ... so enjoy the image XD

~A photo can say a thousand things, but it can't say the million things i wanna say~ ;)

Have A Nice Day :)

Pantai Remis & Pangkor trip (word edition)

2010-07-21T23:01:00.005+08:00

heyz ... just came back from trip with my friends ... it was an awesome experience ...

lemme tell the story from my point of view ... maybe i'll miss some details from the trip cuz there's 18 of us there ... and i cant be possibly be around all other 17 all the time ...

Monday, 19th July 2010

went to sunway university at 645 am ... grace and calvin was there as well ... then julaine's dad came and picked us up ... bryan was already in the car ... then went to bukit jalil bus station ... fell asleep during the ride and apparently i knocked my head a few times ... reached the bus station around 710 am ... the bus leaving at 820 so the five of us decided to go makan ... grace said there's a nice dim sum restaurant somewhere further up the station ... walked there bout 15 mins but the shop was closed ... finally settled in a coffee shop nearby ... only calvin makan though ... then walked back to bus station and meet up with aihui, ian, chyng and yilin ... the 9 of us boarded the bus ... the bus was quite huge and the back space was quite nice ... then the bus travelled to duta bus station ... then a group of passengers came up and "demanded" their sits at the back ... after some confusion in the bus (which was quite frustrating) then finally settle down ... almost all got separated ... then travelled non-stop to lumut ... saw things around during the ride ... saw a monkey holding something and crossing the road in front of the bus ... anyways reached lumut bus station bout 1230 - 1 pm ... heng hao and shu qing was already there ... both drove a car each ...
drove all the way straight heading towards "our" house ... stopped by at public bank to meet up with sarah who fetched june, wai cheong, wei xian, guan lim, jia hui and wei lai ... car got overheating problem (well almost overheat) ... so wasted some time ... then went to "our" house ... dropped our luggage and surveyed the place which was quite good ...went out to shuqing's place ... her house had the kampung feel ... then she brought us to the back of her house where got all the fishes and sea stuff there ... went in the ice container which is super cold (and super nice XD) watched shuqing prepared those foods like pro ... then prepared the steamboat ... finally all started makan ... me and bryan waiting by the side and watch other makan first ... once they all finish we swoop in and makan ... afta finishing makan then clean the place up ... sit inside hse a while ... then went for a boat ride ... initially was abit scared ... *touch wood* sked something out of control happens ... thought of not joining them but eventually went in as well ... the boat ride till a catching fish place which we went down and see those fishes swim and how the net was laid out ... went back to the boat and stopped somewhere in the middle of the sea ... took pictures with the sun set background ... then went back to shuqing's place ... reached bout 7 something ... was exhausted but refreshed after drinking the water and ate the watermelon which underwent the osmosis process ... was supposed to bbq at her place but all not hungry yet cuz we had steamboat around 3 something ... so drove back to "our" house ...
carried the pandan leaves to the kitchen and then hide behind the wall, wanted to scare someone ... turned out to be julaine ... then we wiped the pandan leaves ... and she threw a wet cloth to me == ... anyways afta wiping then sat down at the dining table ... then jiahui brought his home made popcorn which is delicious ... finished it all on the spot ... at the same time some of us were watching tv, some went bathing and some were sleeping ... shuqing, bryan and sarah went back to shuqing's place and picked up stuff ... while waiting for them decided to go bath cuz all seems tired edi so i thought not gonna bbq ... afta clean up played cards with ian, wai cheong and henghao ... then they came back with those stuff and started bbq ... since im all cleaned up so cant go outside help them ... was inside the house with aihui, chyng, guanlim, june, wai cheong, grace and calvin ... we did the food packing in the aluminium foil ... then sent it outside for others to bbq ... afta some time then i started went out and looked at them bbq ... helped out with what i can ... then some started went to sleep ... me, guanlim and weixian were in the house discussing bout magic card tricks ... went out and bbq those fishes ... had great fish to makan ... finally cleaned up around 3 like tat ... talked a while then slept a while ... woke up and took a quick shower ... then talked to guanlim, bryan, shuqing, henghao and chyng .. went to sleep bout 4 something ...

*btw the day will "start" when i woke up from sleep ... so earlier it was till 4am but i'll classify it under monday ...

Tuesday, 20th July 2010

woke up at 7 ... clean ownself up ... then packed stuff to the car ... went to the bus stop right outside of the housing area ... bought a few stuff from the bp station beside there ... then boarded the 820 am bus to pangkor jetty ... quite alot of ppl slept off during the ride ... as i know of, only me, guanlim, shuqing (although she claimed she slept for 5-10 mins) and julaine weren't sleeping (or at least had their eyes open) ... reached the jetty and took a boat across to the pangkor island ... it was a great experience .. once reached there, we separated into two groups of nine and boarded the van taxi to our hotel/resort/chalet (depending on wat u wanna call it) ... our hotel/resort/chalet (from now on i'll refer it as chalet) is called seagull beach resort ... we separate ourselves with the room ... my roommate were wei xian, bryan and ian ... but our inside door connected to the room beside who were guanlim, henghao, jiahui and weilai ... afta dropping our stuff in the room, went back to the taxi and went around ... first stop was at the village ... had lunch a while and then walked around the shop to buy and see see stuff ... then went to kota belanda ... there got a big kubu ... i climbed on top and pose a picture there =P and jumped down although all of them asked me not to ... landed okay but the truth is i hurt my heels from the jump ... but no one knows of it at that time =X ... anyways took a few more pictures there ... next went to a temple (forgot wat name) ... went in the temple ... did the throwing-luck thing where u asked a question and throw see whether its yes or no ... then walked up the "staircase of luck" ... went to some jetty making seafood stuff afta tat ... see all those fishes they dry up under the sun ... did 1.5 formation on bryan to let him take picture ... bought a few stuff in the shop as well ... i bought a frisbee cuz lata goin to the beach ... then went back to resort ... it was around 2pm tat time ...
so afta settling a few stuff, some of us went to the beach while others decided to rest ... those who went at that time were me, julaine, shuqing, sarah, bryan, ian, chyng, aihui, yilin, guan lim, weilai and jia hui... they played around in the water while me and jiahui watched from a distance away ... julaine and sarah went walked around ... then guan lim came up and we decided to cover him up with sand ... did a mermaid body with a huge male part and big boobs as well as having a 5 months old pregnant tummy ... then walked around and played around ... played with the swing as well ... june and waicheong came a while and they went off to pickup seashells ... jiahui went back to chalet to take towels for others ... seeing them so happy playing in water, i decided to join in as well ... din go too deep but got myself washed up ... then they played the racing and jump into the sea game ... julaine and sarah returned tat time ... then while running and jumping into the sea, yilin knocked sarah and she fell into the water and got soaked wet ... started carried ppl and threw them into the water ... first was yilin and then bryan ... kesian bryan cuz we threw him at a high ground so less water to cushion his fall ... then guanlim pushed shuqing to the water and i sneaked behind and pushed him ... anyways while trying to remove the sand from my pocket, i realised that got pink colour wet paper-like also been thrown out ... i forgot that i kept the ferry ticket inside my pocket >.< ... but thankfully dun need it edi ... weixian came almost at the end ... while they all still talking at the beach i walked back to clean myself up first ... weixian said he lost the key so i asked henghao who was sleeping in the room to open the door ... told him to tell anyone who wanna come in to wait a while cuz i was washing up ... since my body full of sand so straight away rushed into the washroom without bringing any towel and clothes ... left the toilet door open when suddenly the main door opened and weixian came in ... managed to close the door in time and reached the towel ... got myself half cleaned up ... then went to the other room and talked a while ... supposed to hav futsal but they were tired ... initially was postponed to 6 but they still tired ... so me and shuqing followed the tour guide fella to ask whether can play at night or not ... then while waiting for things to do, we were either playing pingpong, badminton, carrom, in the room (presumably resting), or talking ... i was playing darts though ... then its dinner time around 7pm ... the orange water was great the first time but afta refill no taste edi ... afta makan then walked around and hang around inside the chalet area ... found a small ball and started kicked around with it ... "played" as goalie trying to block shots from henghao, ian, calvin, guanlim and bryan ...

*stopped blogging for the night ... continued on thursday "morning" 1pm with breaks in between

then half of the group sat at the table and talked while others went in karaoke and scream their lungs out .. till it rained == ... so the futsal planned for lata got cancelled ... anyways suddenly the girls disappeared from the group ... left me and calvin ... taught him how to play speed ... then grace asked him to follow her and then heard her scream ... lata on, found out that the girls tried to scare calvin (and fail) ... anyways left alone outside so decided to go in karaoke with them ...
sang song like crazy (bisame mucho, the birds and the bees) ... suddenly while singing, grace came in and yelled "you guys suck" (or something like tat) ... those in the room (me, bryan, heng hao, ian, aihui, yi lin, chyng and shuqing) got stunned ... turns out to be a game they played called "devil game" .. i think those who "lose" needs to do some dare ... anyways saw sarah did something (julaine said that sarah was singing and dancing) and then julaine came in and sang a song (which she barely sing) ... lata on afta the rain cool down, decided go out for a walk ... rode the bicycle there a while ... then went out walked to the beach where calvin tried to make a camp fire but the girls dun wan cuz the tide was quite high ... anyways walked further down the road with the shops all closed and dark ... decided to walk back and it started drizzle ... managed to reach back at chalet with minimal wetness ... then one by one decided go back to their room ... in the end left me, henghao, shuqing, guanlim, bryan and weixian at the "lobby" ... talk a while ... left them and went for a shower ... came back and shuqing brought keropok ikan bilis and ate together ... talked till around 320 am ... decided to go back and sleep ...

Wednesday 21st July 2010

it was a rainy day ... so we were supposed to wake up by 8 never happen ... i dunno bout others but us 8 guys i think only weixian and guanlim woke up for the breakfast ... the rest of us woke up around 11am ... no volleyball and no futsal due to the weather ... but its alright cuz body quite sore edi ... anyways after clean up and pack up, went down for lunch ... after lunch took down luggage and left it at "lobby" and went for a walk ... then started to drizzle again so walked back to chalet ... the taxi van came and we load the van with our luggage ... dropped down at the village and went shopped around ... all of us scattered around ... me, bryan and some others went to a shop and bought some souveniers back ... then went in to another shop with henghao and bought beach pants and shirts ... after done with shopping, meet up with others and walked to the jetty and took a boat/ship trip back to the mainland ... while ship moving, some of us went outside to enjoy the scenery ... took a few pictures ... then boarded down from the ship and walked to the bus station ... bought ticket and boarded the immediate bus which is 330 pm ... those who followed the bus were me, julaine, guanlim, weixian, bryan, jiahui, weilai, ian, aihui, chyng and yilin ... henghao boared another bus at 430 pm which goes back to penang while the rest went back shuqing's place (later on found out that they boarded bus back to shuqing's place and had laksa there before go back) ... anyways back into the bus, at first most of us talked around, after some time one by one started to get KOed ... after a long journey, we stopped at behrang (i think) and bought a few snacks before continuing the journey back ... when almost reached at the station, we asked each other what's the best thing bout the trip ... reached the bukit jalil bus station around 755 pm ... then waited for transportation ... yilin went back first ... then chyng's transportation and julaine's dad came at the same time ... those who followed julaine back were aihui, weilai, jiahui, weixian, bryan and julaine herself ... left me, ian and guanlim walked to the train station ... on the way got "harrassed" by a few "promoters" but managed to escape from their clutches ... boarded the train to masjid jamek ...

*got disconnected at 140pm ... resume blogging at 330pm ...

reached masjid jamek and made the train switch ... while walking to the train counter, saw candy, waikuan and jet ... they were comin back from working part time at pwtc ... anyways we boarded the train together ... didnt talk much to them cuz was super tired ... i came down at taman paramount while ian at taman bahagia and the other 4 came down at kelana jaya ... msged others asking for updates whether they have arrived back yet or not ... anyways went back home once reached the station ... and that ends the wonderful, memorable 3 days, 2 nights trip to perak ... thank you so much shu qing for organising this trip ... although the weather distrupts the last morning, but it was a worthwhile trip ...

the after-effect of the trip: sore arms (unable to type as fast as i could), bruises and cuts, sore leg (with locked knee and pain at the heel) and having the "boat feeling" ... but all these tiredness and pain is really really worth it ...

Research Question: to test the satisfaction of the trip
Objective: to identify what others felt about this trip
Methods: conversation
Procedures: talk to them
Results: it was very satisfactory trip
Conclusion: i) should organise more of this trip; ii) shuqing is one of the best organiser

well i hope u enjoy reading this post ... hopefully in years to come, we'll be looking back at this and remembering the times we had together ...

its the end of the trip review (word edition) ... now that most of the photographers have uploaded the photos and videos, i shall review all those and picked out a few to be posted here ...

Have A Nice Day :)

P53 - the diary of a performer (part ii)

2010-07-18T22:39:00.002+08:00

another week of training passed by ... this time there's more things compared to the first practice ... well this week starts our "double header" whereby we're training on both saturday and sunday ...

saturday training wasnt really ideal for me ... cuz in the morning helped out the recycling at mr tneh's hse from 9 till 11 (as said in schedule but it ended at 12) ... then came back, shower and get my phone fixed ... sent to the nokia center and had to wait for two hours ... finally reach home with fully fixed phone at 4 something ... reinput all contacts and calendars stuff and before i knew it it's 530 pm ... rushed to get myself prepared and went to mr tneh's hse again where li sheng, one of the gym senior, fetched a few of us to kaikan (our training place) ...

reached there, did our usual prayer ... quite a lot of people present today ... anyways for this training, they said that it's gonna be in the ipa (a hall inside the building) ... so all of us got excited cuz dun need to get burned outside ... anyways after settling the normal group stuff (take attendance, asking whether we had our meal, took our bags and put somewhere else, took our bottles and put at separate place) then we started with our first actual practice of the performance ... the opening part will be the gymnastic part, so since there's other groups present so we skipped the opening and proceed to the next flow (incase ur wondering what is it, flow is the sequence of performance steps ie. from one set of performance proceeding to another set of performance) ... of course warm up in the beginning before begin every session ...

in this flow, we hav to do the callis (hand motions and body movements) ... so when they said there's 8's 8 (eight counts of eight ie. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, 2,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 ...) all of us "breathe a sigh of OMG" ... after settling down, we started with the first 8 ... so after learning how to do the first 8 counts, i told myself "hey it's not bad after all, quite easy" ... then they started to teach the second 8 and the third 8 ... still survivable ... when it comes to the forth 8, then it gets a bit tricky ... we had to twist and turn, back and then front again within 4 counts (means 4,2,3,4) ... so when we practiced it, all of us had difficulty in getting it right ... after some extensive training and slow count, finally we managed to nail it (somewhat) ... then we proceed to the fifth and sixth 8 ... once everything completed, then it's time for the "main show" ... we had to do from the first 8 to the sixth 8 ... it first started out okay cuz its slow counting ... then the leader said it's in faster counting ... its not like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 ... its more like 12345678 (hope u get the "illustration" here) ... definately the first two times we screwed it up ... cuz not used to it yet ... even a "genius like me" =P cant get it right ... anyhow then the last time we managed to somewhat get it right ... by then it's already 10pm ... so we grouped in and they made some announcement which i dun always listen cuz im quite tired tat time ... plus they speak in cantonese so usually i listen to those timing announcement only (like tomorro meet wat time and all) ... then we all went back ... on the way out, we were given a plastic containing two buns ...

oh yea did i mention that i sark at cantonese? initially when i joined gymnastic 4 years ago (2006), my cantonese and my mandarin weren't really good ... but now when they gave command or any announcement, i would somehow interpret it out and understand it ... so im really proud of that XD ...

anyhow the next day, went to mr tneh's place and li sheng fetched again ... reached there had breakfast ... then went for prayers ... once prayer finished, then did the usual group stuff ... once done, then they asked the entire row B (all gymnastics) to stand up and proceed to field ... i was like "OMG!!!" ... cuz i din know must go field, so i didnt apply any sunblock ... plus the next day im going to my fren's hometown to lumut ... definately goin there, looking like a fried sotong >.< ... but wat to do ... like someone said to me "nvmlah..dark only man ma.." =P ... so went to the field like a man ... did the usual warm up ... then hong chuan, one of the choreographer of the performance and a senior from gym, asked us to redo the six 8 we learnt last night ... i think almost all of us at least miss one move and so we got the "hairdryer treatment" from him ... he make sure we perfected those moves by performing each of it over and over again without any break ... and he also said that if one person made any mistakes, all kena pumping ... its strict, but its effective cuz after tat all of us did marvelous =D ...

afta having a short break, then we proceed to practicing our opening flow ... firstly, we sorted out who will be the rocket ... rocket is divided into two categories: half rocket and full rocket ... the difference is full rocket is higher compared to half rocket and full rocket requires all 3 bases to stretch their hands over their head to carry the top whereas half rocket, the base hand is just until somewhere the neck area ... my set was initially half rocket but was "promoted" to full rocket ... a few practice and we succeed in all the attempts ... then we practiced the timing to run in and get into position ... after several attempt, still struggle with the timing ... then its time for lunch ...

we stopped and head to the canteen where the workers already packed those foods for us (thank you =D) ... makan and then need to wash the tupperwear containing the food ... then went back to practice again about 1 ... it was quite windy, not that shinny ... so its quite suitable for practicing although it looks like it's gonna rain ... but thankfully it didnt and it only started raining later on ... anyways this time learnt new flow ... the flow after the callis part ... we need to form a right angled triangle to a 3D 60 degree triangle ... in this formation, we needed two sets of rockets, two sets of 1.1, 4 sets of 1.5, 2 person standing and a person squating ... after picking, im performing the 1.5 which is my favourite formation ... cuz its so easy, no matter wat way we used ...

short explanation here ... in 1.1 and 1.5, there are three ways to perform: traditional, advance and squat ... traditional is where the top would climb the base and into position, advance is where the top would jump and the base would carry them at the same time over their shoulder and squat is where well in squating position then go up ...

in this flow, the 1.5 formation would be in squating position, which requires upper body strength (which i hav XD) ... so after assigning each position, then we moved to the 3D pyramid ... while moving and going up, theres some callis needed to be performed by the top ... anyhow the movement to 3D pyramid is quite simple, that we completed it quite fast ...

then we proceed to the next flow ... we're forming a + sign thing and there's 3.1.1 in the middle ... then each side will hav rocket, 1.1, 1.5 and person standing ... so it'll show like stacking effect ... anyways i was picked as the base for 1.1 ... they said to use advance method to form ... honestly i dun like 1.1 cuz there's a person standing on ur shoulder and i think cuz of past experience as well ... i was carrying someone quite heavy and i failed at that time ... but i managed to exorse the "ghost" that haunts me, when i managed to do it ... but the 1.5 in front of me struggled, so we switched and i can do the 1.5 advance method while he can do the 1.1 ... so we switched position ... after tat then we practice the whole thing from the opening flow up to the 3D pyramid ... the first few times wasnt really good cuz not enough time for us to get into position during the transition ... then the timing change a bit and we barely manage to get it done ...

then we went back into ipa and joined with the youth (zone A and C) and we rerun from the callis part till the 3D pyramid ... during the first run got to see what the other zone groups were doin cuz we were separated from them ... and from wat i see its quite good ... anyhow after rerun-ning twice, then we rerun it with music ... i got the timing horribly wrong cuz when they played the song i thought it was from the beginning ... so before i managed to count to the callis part, others started doing it edi and i was out of position a while before managed to "slip in" again ... was disappointed, and further disappointment cuz only rerun once with music, which means i couldnt get it right ... anyhow that fuels me further to practice those steps at home, build my body and get it right the next time ...

after tat, we had a lady who shared her experience and gave a word of wisdom ... honestly due to the exhaustion i wasnt listening much ... plus its in cantonese with a bit of english ... so im still not used to listening cantonese yet (i only understand when it comes to performance-related stuff) ... but there's one sentence which i vividly recalled ... she said "celebrate the past, enjoy the present and create the future" (its one of Sensei's gosho i think) ... its a great quote and would definately keep tat in my mind ... then some announcement and end ... we gym boys stayed back cuz since we used the hall for practice, we need to rearrange the chairs back in for future events ... after arranging, got two bags containing two buns in each bag to "accompany" us to go back ...

a great week of practice and im looking forward to the following week ... quite tiring but its the fun tiring ... now putting this aside for a moment and im looking ahead to tomorro's trip to lumut =D ... hope to hav fun and go gila gila there

Have A Nice Day :)

*i know i said maybe i post it on wednesday, but since i got time to type it out now, well why wait till wednesday?

P53 - the diary of a performer (part i)

2010-07-18T18:47:00.002+08:00

well to start off i don't know how many parts there will be ... but the good thing is ... well this is the first and i hope that there'll be weekly update ...

so incase you're wondering what is P53, well it stands for Performance 53 (i think so) - in relation to the merdeka day ... three years ago there was P50 performance (i forgot where) and i couldn't participate because it was spm year at that time and i'm busy with my curricular activities ... so this time around, representing SGM, i am performing for P53 ...

what is SGM? well SGM (stands for Soka Gakkai Malaysia) is a Buddhist organisation which promotes peace, education and cultural exchange and its teaching is rooted based on the concept of Human Revolution, a process of inner transformation through Buddhist practice ... its not an organisation only in malaysia; it's spread world wide, around global and it's initial based is in japan ...

well here's a brief info bout the Buddhist organisation im in ... anyways back to the performance ... i'm told bout the performance around middle of june ... just finish all my assignments that time ... when they told me they'll start practicing around july till end of august i straight away agreed to it ... because performance is the reason why i join gymnastic (a cultural group in the organisation) ... the joy of putting smiles in ppl's faces and making them awe from performance ...

we had a kick off meet on the 4th of july and were brief bout how the performance and the regulations ... and the following week we had our first practice ...

the first practice (well not to lanci or anything) was simple ... nothing much to do ... firstly we were placed in the group that they've set for us already ... there are 18 groups, 6 groups per row which means there's 3 zones ... zone A, B and C ... we, gymnastics were placed in zone B so our group would be (B1 - B6) ... zone A and zone C are other youth from the organisation volunteer in participating in the performance ... initially im in B1 but after reshuffling the members because need to have a balance in base and top ... so i was shift to B3 ... honestly, i was not really satisfy because during the few minutes in the group i made friends with two persons ... and when i went to B3, it was abit unorganise ... the members were all over the place ... but as time goes i'm glad that i'm in this group =)

anyways our first practice, we did some basic formation such as 1.5, 1.75 and supposingly 1.1 ... all of us also learn the block systme, which is something like those uniform bodies lining up and raising their hand to check their line ... but all these stuff i've learned it during normal practice with gym ... so first practice nothing much ... im thankful that it wasn't heavy duty though because the next day was my last paper, management accounting ... when i get back home wasn't that tired to revise on the paper ...

after the first practice, the next few practices till the performance date will be on saturday (630pm - 10pm) and sunday (830am - 4pm) ... and we can't miss any practice though because if miss any practice then there's alot of catchup needed ... that's why committment is needed and to honour the committment, i had to reject any offers of going out during weekends with my friends ...

well that's how the first practice went and a little bit of info bout the performance and the organisation ... stay tune (hopefully) for further updates on the performance ... maybe next update on yesterday and today's performance would be some time after wednesday or thursday ...

by the way, no pictures will be posted for this performance ... two reasons: one because they have a tight, but not too strict regulation so we wont be holding cameras during our practice ... when we went for practice, our bags were kept at one side; phones and wallets were given to our group leader to be kept ... so anyone message during practice time, well hav to wait till the end of practice only reply ... second reason why no photo will be posted: wouldnt wanna leak anything out, making the performance not so special anymore ...

incase ur wondering when's the performance, its on the 31st august at stadium bukit jalil ... its in the morning ... not so sure what time is it ... not sure whether it will be on tv aso ... further details will be given in the future ...

im done with the first part ... hope u enjoy reading it for now ...

Have A Nice Day :)

freedom!!!!!!

2010-07-12T18:37:00.003+08:00

free at last ... break time now ... have lots of things to do ... hope all according to plan ... will try become a better person and improve who i am now ... cross finger that everything's alright ...

can't stop thinking bout it now ... what's the "it"?? ... not gonna tell it here ... its for my own personal knowledge =X

Have A Nice Day :)

break ...

2010-07-11T00:46:00.002+08:00

alot of things in my mind now ... but i just cant let it all out ... i just dun wan to let it out ... well i guess cuz i dunno wats been bothering my mind now ... need a break ... hopefully this time around i can make full use of this break ... cuz it'll be the last till next year, same time ...

Have A Nice Day :)

in the midst of busy schedule

2010-05-02T22:58:00.003+08:00

in the midst of busy schedule ahead, i've found time to visit this abandon space which is covered with dust ... it's been some time since i've wrote anything here ... not gonna say blog though cuz to be honest i dunno whether wat i've been writing previously and now are considered blog ...

hmmm ... how ironic when i think back ... last semester i complained that there's only one subject and its quite boring during free time ... now im wishing for another semester like that ... 4 assignments due within the same week ... tats a torture ... plus with no clue on what to do for most of the assignments as well as lecturer giving little comment on whether we're doin it right or not ... it doesn't help much ... struggling right now ... suddenly the vow of getting at least B for all subjects onwards looks bleak ... but of course ... aint no giving up ...

nowadays though felt quite annoyed easily ... get angry and somewhat jealous quite fast aso ... dunno whether its cause of assignments .. or something else ... hopefully its cuz of assignment ... anyhow been feeling lost ... lost in the midst of confusion ... dunno whether wat im doin now is the right thing to do ... now im the team leader for one of the assignment group but to be honest i felt lost ... i couldnt do wat a leader should do ... i couldnt inspire my teammates but rather just helping them finish off watever work there is and hoping that it does not burden them ...

feelings been mixed ... not sure what im feeling ... one moment i hate tat person ... then lata i was talking to tat same person ... one moment i was thinking of her ... next i was thinking of another girl ... wats wrong wif me?? is it that my mind goin crazy? tat means im gonna die soon? i dunno ... but one thing i know ... if i were to die it'll be cause of saving a life ...

tell me what im thinking now cause i wanna know how i feel
tell me if im going crazy cause i wanna know
is my time up, or im gonna be here a little longer
dunno what i should be looking forward too anymore

are you the one who will save me
are you gonna be with me, go through this feeling of emptiness
cause i've been living with that all my life
never wanna live with it anymore

guess tat pretty sums it up ... feel more relieved now ... tomorro when i wake up ... its gonna be a new day ... a new challenge awaits me as these challenges will make me grow ... and i hope whoever reading this (if there's anyone) let's put up a fight and let's go make everything alright, go on and take a shot, go give it all you got ...

Have A Nice Day :)

not worthy of ur time to read ...

2010-03-12T00:53:00.002+08:00

i dunno why ... but these days im just worn out ... im tired ... exhausted ... but when night comes, when its time to sleep i dun feel like sleeping ... i cant sleep ... i dun wanna sleep ... i just dunno why ...

the empty, hollow heart of mine ... its like im missing something ... i lack of something ... i do not hav something ... but what is it?? ...

all my life i've been searching for that emptiness ... i've been trying to find that thing that will fill the void left in my heart ... i've searched up and down ... left and right ... travel here and there but still ... i couldnt find what's missing ...

i just dunno wat to think anymore ... i know if i told others they would giv advices which relates to hav strong faith and positive thinking ... and yea i've been trying to be optimistic ... but somehow it "clashes" with the thoughts in my mind ...

i dunno wat to think anymore ... feels like wanna scream ... but i just cant ... somehow i just cant scream or cry ... or do watever stuff tat lets my emotion out ... cuz tat'll just show my weakness ... and i cant be weak to anyone ... i wanna be the rock that supports ppl ... i wanna be the one who carries others whenever they're down ... cuz it seems tat i cant play other roles other than tat ... im not the person whos smart in academic ... im not the guy who makes ppl laugh without making a fool of myself ... tats why im the person who sits at the back, where ppl can fall back upon ... i wanna be tat person and i cant be if i show my weakness ... the only way i can show is through writing out the thoughts in my head somewhere and then if ppl were to read it and ask how im doin, i would say im alright ... tats just how it goes ... so if anyone who would bother to ask me after reading this ... well u hav ur answer there ...

anyways many ppl could picture where they're gonna be in the future but i cant ... somehow whenever i picture myself in the future, i just cant see myself as a manager or accountant ... heck i cant even see myself as a janitor or a chef ... i guess maybe its a sign tat my time here wont be too long left ... no worries though its not like im gonna commit suicide or anything ... tat thought never come in my mind ... cuz i always told myself ... if i were to die, i wanna die for a reason ... perhaps saving someone's life ... or sacrifice myself to stop something ... i know its "idealistic" or "we cant predict how we gonna die" idea but unless i've encountered my "ideal way of dying" i would keep on fighting everyday ... cuz i pledge myself i wont go down easily if i hav some diseases or broken body parts ...

i know i've been crapping alot right here ... i really hope tat i'll feel much better after this ... anyways if i've said something wrong or something hurtful (which i doubt, but better be safe than sry) ... dun think it tat way ... i had no one in particular that im "targeting to shoot at" ... well to be honest i cant really think much these days ... i just couldnt be bothered with anything anymore ... but i know now i said this and somehow later on i'll go against what i've said ...

guess tat's all ... i guess ... if anyone who came here and read this ... well u've just wasted ur time which u could've used for something better ... not tat i dun appreciate ur time though ... its just tat i guess im not worthy for ur time ...

Have A Nice Day :)

Facts You Don't Know

2010-02-10T23:03:00.001+08:00

1.Coca-Cola was originally green.
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2 The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
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3 . The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
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4 . The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
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5 . There are two credit cards for every person in the United States .
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6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
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7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
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8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath ..
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9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you Sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
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11 . It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
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12 . The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
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13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to Suppress a sneeze; you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
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14 . Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from History. "Spades" - King David; "Clubs" - Alexander the Great; " Hearts" - Charlemagne; "Diamonds" - Julius Caesar.
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15.

11 x 11=121

111 x111=12321

1111x1111=1234321

11111x11111= 123454321

111111x111111= 12345654321

1111111x1111111= 1234567654321

111111111x111111111 =123456787654321

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
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16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
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18. Honey - This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
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19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
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20. A snail can sleep for three years.
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21. All polar bears are left handed.
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22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
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23 . Butterflies taste with their feet.
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24 Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
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25 . In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
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26 . On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
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27 . Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
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28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
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29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
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30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
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31 . The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
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32 Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
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33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
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34 . The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
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35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
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36 . Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
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just too exhausted

2010-02-04T22:50:00.002+08:00

im just too tired ... mentally and physically ... too exhausted ... nowadays what i said i did not think first ... some words that i've said is brutal ... i dunno whether others were hurt by it ...

been thinking whether i should apologize or not ... what if notin happens and i just brought it up and then makes them feel uncomfortable?? ... i dunno ... im just too tired to really think bout it ... but i am truly sorry if i've said anything wrong ...

anyways hope after tomorro i'll be better ... finally get to see her after a long time ... hopefully everything goes well and we would hav a great time ...

Have A Nice Day :)

Where Is The Love??

2010-01-10T16:22:00.005+08:00

when i flip the papers these past few days ... or surfing through the net ... all i see is violence ... some may say tat violence has been "here" all these times ... but then those incidents that happened for the past few days had just crossed the line ...

first is the church burning incident ... it all sparks out because of dispute over a word ... just because of a word people started to act violently ... and some hooligans burnt down or damaged a few churches ... these might spark another may 13 ... but kudos to the citizen of this country ... personally when i went to forums or even facebook to check out the news i expected some backlash or some argument over the incident ... but then most ... no ... all of those people who commented there do not agree with what those hooligans did ... and i think thats great ... cuz this incident is because of some hooligans ... not the entire population ... so that's why i don't think there'll be any arguments and fights bout it ... its just some hooligans who're trying to distrupt the harmony of this country ... so i urge all of us to stand united and if we do see any one of the hooligans, we shall catch them and bring them to justice ...

note that i am not directly saying those stuff, cuz i wouldnt wanna spark out any debate or cause any fights ...

another news that caught my eye for the past few days was the togo national football team attack ... some of you who may not have any interest in sports, including soccer ... so im gonna share the news to all of u ...

there's a footballing event happening at Africa continent which is the African's Cup of Nation, where all the african countries compete with each other to win the trophy of course ... anyways just a few days prior to the event, the Togo national team bus was attacked by some rebels ... they used machine guns and fired it to the bus containing the players ... finally the guards managed to "chase away" the rebels ... the bus driver died on the spot while a few more was pronounce dead after a few days ... despite those events the Togo national team decided to compete in the event in which many people suggested that they will pull out from the tournament ... so kudos for the Togo national team for being courageous and hav a strong heart to go and compete in the tournament ... it would be a good ending for their nightmare if they were to win the Cup ... if they do not win i would (and i know many others would) salute them for their "semangat" ...

well generally this post is to salute everyone who stands up and not backing down as well as urging all of us to stay together and not turn on each other just because of a minority of people ...

Have A Nice Day :)

feel like writing an essay like tat ... haha ...

to soccer fans: i know you wish you could do this when your team is not playing well

2010-01-08T18:34:00.002+08:00

classic =) ...

have a nice day :)

year 2009

2010-01-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

one year has passed by again ... couldnt believe time goes so fast ... its just ... well too fast ... all those things from last year still fresh in my mind ... but this year it aint that bad ... although there are many things that ive regretted ...

well this year it didnt started out well ... first im lost ... dunno where im gonna study next ... and then i got dengue fever ... had to be hospitalised for 3 days ... and then last minute my dad asked me join lancaster ... unlike last year this time around im "on time" ... last year i nearly join ausmat jan intake instead of march cause im late by one day (although im thankful that i join march intake) and this time around im just right on the last day ... to be honest initially i wasnt really happy bout it ... thought wanna join monash or something else ... lancaster never come into my mind ... i still remember last year during ausmat time they gave the lancaster brochure thing and i told myself why bother looking it ... didnt know tat i would ended up studying in lancaster ...

luckily got frens in there ... from ausmat last year ... heng hao, ian and wei lai ... also know sue wei, ai hui and yi chyng but then wasnt close wif them during ausmat time ... anyways since i was "late" so i miss the first week where ppl start to form their own gang and all ... so the only ppl i hang out or talk with are those ppl i mentioned earlier and yi lin as well ... at the beginning i kinda hate being in lancaster ... couldnt really talk to anyone ... the timetable's a bit weird (dunno why i think tat during tat time) ... and struggle in assignment ... still remember when the lecturer scolded me for asking her to check alot of times ... the first few ppl tat i talked to was guan lim, jia hui and bryan ... it was during english class and we had to discuss stuff ... then suddenly time just woosh by and then its second semester ...

while having break between the semester i went for driving class ... the class after passing the L test and before taking the P licence ... never thought i could make fren from there ... haha ... anyways before the start of second semester there's the sunway open day and i volunteer to help out ... but just a day before the open day and 9 days before classes resumes i got chicken pox ... in the end i missed the first week of second semester ... then some time later they organised a bbq party and i went ... didnt really talk to anyone ... only had short convo wif julaine and sarah ... but tats good enough for me tat time cuz tat means i made more frens ... somewhat after tat it was a blur image to me until the end of second semester ... and we went for outing ... personally for me from tat outing i got closer wif the other 7 of them ... especially the 4 girls who i dun talk much ... so the third sem (finally managed to attend the first week) i got closer wif them and we hang out more often ... usually we're the last group to get out from classroom cuz we would stone and chat ...

and as times goes i got closer wif lancaster ppl ... can say tat im more settle in ... struggle during the third sem though ... crossing my fingers now ... hopefully i dun fail any subject ... not forgetting my skool frens though ... had reunion wif them and catch up wif them ... oh yea went for manchester united game as well ...

anyways there are other moments throughout the year tat ive not mentioned here ... but no worries its all fresh in my mind ... there are regrets as well ... things that i wished i could undo ... or redo ... or go back time and do the right thing ...

this year has been an average year for me ... i hav my new year resolution in my mind already but there's no time to write it here ... gonna hav family prayer soon ... before i sign off ... i just wanna thank everyone for the memories that u've given ...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Have A Nice Day :)

pre-post

2009-12-30T01:44:00.002+08:00

its been a while since i posted something here ... anyways just a pre-post before putting up my "looking back at 2009" post ...

have u had this thing happen to u ... at first things started out well and everything just seems to fall in place ... one day something just went wrong ... everything just isnt the same anymore ... why?? ... am i being coward and just backing down?? ... is it cuz i couldnt stand up to tat "something"?? ... am i just thinking alot?? ... these questions been wondering in my mind for like ... a very long time ...

same thing keeps happening over and over and over again ... why?? am i supposed to hav bad luck all the way?? ... i cant hav any good things happen to me?? or maybe it isnt as well as i think ... maybe its just an illusion ... which im blinded in it and struggle to get out ... tats why its only me whos suffering ... i guess ...

this sucks ... big time ... how i wish now that this thing call emotions doesnt exist ... then i would hav no feeling ... i wouldnt be disappointed ... wouldnt get hurt ... been trying to ignore those emotions ... but i cant ... im just merely a human being ... maybe i should try being heartless ... dont give a damn bout anything ...

i dunno ... all these things mixing in my mind right now ... gotta do something to keep me away from the thoughts ... cant wait to return to sunway ... not cuz of the classes ... but starting next year i'll be joining at least one club/society and hopefully the student council ... one of the main reason for joining all of these is so tat i wouldnt hav time to hav all these emotions ...

hmmm ... i'll guess we'll see in around 2 weeks time ... crossing my fingers now ... hope that i dun fail any of my subject ...

have a nice day :)

雨点 yu dian (rain drop)

2009-10-15T23:53:00.001+08:00

天空是灰的，雨就快下了
tian kong shi hui de/ yu jiu kuai xia le
the sky's dark, the rain is about to fall

我的心也是如此，它即将爆发
wo de xin ye shi ru ci/ ta ji jiang bao fa
so does my heart, it's about to break

看看窗外, 计算雨点
kan kan chuang wai/ ji suan yu dian
look outside the window, counting the rain drops

独自一人坐，收集我破碎的心
du zi yi ren zuo/ shou ji wo po sui de xin
sitting alone, collecting my broken heart

慢慢地，我把我的呼吸，我的脑海清晰
man man de/ wo ba wo de hu xi/ wo de nao hai qing xi
slowly, i took my breath, clear my mind

我问自己，这是值得或不爱
wo wen zi ji/ zhe shi zhi de huo bu ai
i asked myself, is this love worth or not

我值得花时间在这份爱上吗
wo zhi de hua shi jian zai zhe fen ai shang ma?
should i spend my time on this love?

这种爱，是不会移动
zhe zhong ai/ shi bu hui yi dong
this love that would not move

渐渐地，我放手
jian jian de/ wo fang shou
gradually, i let go

这是痛苦的，但我的心感觉更好
zhe shi tong ku de/ dan wo de xin gan jue geng hao
it is painful but my heart feels better

它需要时间恢复，但我可以再次我是谁
ta xu yao shi jian hui fu/ dan wo ke yi zai ci wo shi shui
it takes time to recover, but i can be who i am again

认识的片面的痛苦爱情，是不值得
ren shi de pian mian de tong ku ai qing/ shi bu zhi de
understand the pain of one sided love is not worth

如果我有一个选择，我不想忘记这爱
ru guo wo you yi ge xuan ze/ wo bu xiang wang ji zhe ai
if i have a choice, i wouldn't want to forget this love

你的爱，它在我的生活带来了和平，如大海
ni de ai/ ta zai wo de sheng huo dai lai le he ping/ ru da hai
your love is like a sea, it brings peace in my life

但是有水母在海中，它刺伤害我
dan shi you shui mu zai hai zhong/ ta ci shang hai wo
but there's jellyfish in the sea, it stings and hurts me

没有药物能治愈我的痛苦
mei you yao wu neng zhi yu wo de tong ku
there is no medicine that can cure my pain

很可惜命运不在我身边, 我的梦想不会成真
heng ke xi ming yun bu zai wo shen bian/ wo de meng xiang bu hui cheng zhen
it is a pity that fate is not by my side, my dream will not come true

我要离开你，摆脱所有的痛苦
wo yao li kai ni/ bai tuo suo you de tong ku
i have to leave you, to get rid of all the pain

但我不能离开，因为你在我的生活
dan wo bu neng zou kai/ yin wei ni zai wo de sheng huo
but i cannot leave because you're in my life

所以我还是会在你身边，但我不会永远在这里，当你需要我
suo yi wo hai shi hui zai ni shen bian/ dan wo bu hui yong yuan zai zhe li/ dang ni xu yao wo
so i'll still be by your side, but i won't always be here , when you need me

let go

2009-09-28T20:50:00.000+08:00

Sitting here all alone, wondering if I’ve made the right decision
Is it the right one, I don’t know, but I guess it’s for the best
Got to learn how to let go, this feeling, a one sided love
Cause it just hurts me, it may hurt both of us as well

Sometimes I wish that it wouldn’t have to be this way
Cause I wouldn’t want it this way but I have to

If you love someone
Should you set her free, or let her go?
This thought, it confused me, what should I do?
She’s the girl that I’ve got to let go
Even though I love her so much, no feelings can describe how I feel
I have to let go, cause it’s for the best
But no matter what happens next
I promise that I would protect her, and do what I can to make her feel good

I don’t know why, I kept thinking of her
Although I’ve said I’ll forget about her, she just kept appearing in my mind
Is it because of true love? Am I just unable to let her go?
Why do I feel like this?

Sometimes I hope that things would be different
Maybe if I’ve been more courageous, things might have been different
But right now, for her happiness, I’ve decided to let her go
Let her go with someone else

If you love someone
Should you set her free, or let her go?
This thought, it confused me, what should I do?
She’s the girl that I’ve got to let go
Even though I love her so much, no feelings can describe how I feel
I have to let go, cause it’s for the best
But no matter what happens next
I promise that I would protect her, and do what I can to make her feel good

This decision, it may change over time
But the promise that I’ve made, I will never back out from it
People may say I am coward for making the decision
But it’s something that I’ve thought over time
I may be coward, but my love for her is real
No one can deny that

If you love someone
Should you set her free, or let her go?
This thought, it confused me, what should I do?
She’s the girl that I’ve got to let go
Even though I love her so much, no feelings can describe how I feel
I have to let go, cause it’s for the best
But no matter what happens next
I promise that I would protect her, and do what I can to make her feel good

Now I’ll let my love for her
Bury with this song, forever

set free or go after?

2009-09-26T12:16:00.004+08:00

when you love someone, do you set them free or do you go after them?

this dilema has been wondering in my mind for some time now ... what would you do?

set "her" free? well people said if you love someone, then you'll set them free ... and if they fly back to you then they're yours to keep ... i wholeheartedly agree with this statement ... cuz it represents how sincere your love for the other one ... what matters is the happiness of that particular person (it would be long if i type 'that particular person' out so i'll just refer it as "her") ... honestly saying, i love "her" but at the same time, i'm afraid that i might not be good enough for her ... what if i couldn't comfort her when she cries? what if i couldn't make her laugh when she's down? what if i couldn't protect her when someone or something harms her? ... that is why most of the time i think that maybe i should let "her" go ... let her chase her own happiness ... maybe she'll be able to find some other guy who's much more compatible with her ... a guy who can make her laugh, able to comfort her and protects her ... i shouldn't be selfish by not letting her go find some other fishes in the sea ... plus i have too many restrictions now ... i could not entirely give everything for her yet ... so i felt that it is better if she goes with someone else, someone who's able to let her experience how being in a relationship is ... yea, i should let her go ..

go after "her"? but then many people told me, i should go after "her" ... regardless of what it is, at least i wont regret at the end ... at least i wont look back and say "how i wish it was me instead of that guy" ... maybe sometime later on i might find out that she might have the same feeling as i do but cause of me doubting it, i just let it went away ... maybe im the right person for her, maybe im just having a lack of confidence ... i should be more confident of myself, telling myself that i can do it, im as good as anyone out there ... maybe she's waiting for me to make the move? ... who knows ...

after considering all these things, im still not sure what's the right thing to do ... all i can say now is that i'll be watching over "her", trying to be there for her and making her happy ... but im still doubting myself whether i can really be the one for "her" ... i wanna step back and see what happens next ... but what if im too late? what if shes already with another guy? ... or maybe i should confess to "her" now ... but what if she wants space and time? what if she wasnt ready with all these? these thoughts been wondering in my mind ... how i wish there's a distinct sign, fate which guides me through for me to make the right decision ... until then i'll just keep on doing what im doin for her ... i guess ...

Have A Nice Day :)

shadows and regrets

2009-09-26T12:04:00.002+08:00

I'm back, back in town
and everything has changed
I feel, feel let down
The faces stay the same
I see, see shadows
Of who we used to be
When I drive, drive so slow
Through this memory

When we were only kids
And we were best of friends
And we hoped for the best
And let go of the rest

Shadows & Regrets - Yellowcard

everything has changed ... nothing stays the same ... haihz ... why cant things just stay as simple as it is?? remember when we were kids and we dun need to worry bout anything? when we want something we just cry and most of the time we got the things we wanted? when there's nothing else we need to think except games + playing + sleeping + eating ...

haihz ... if only things dont need to change ... things been changing so fast recently ... and one of the thing that has been changing are that my frens been flying away to overseas ... not to say i hate you all for going away ... but it's just so sad knowing that i wouldn't be able to see any of you for a long period of time ... although we might not be that close but all of them were part of my life ...

there's quite a lot of my frens who's flown away already ... who knows in the future there'll be more going away ... i didn't get to say a proper goodbye to all of you ... but you know who you are ... and i just wanna tell all of you ... thanks for the memories ... it may not be as memorable as others but every moment that i've spent with all of you, i'll never forget ...

once again ... thanks and good luck for your future endeavors ... hope to see you someday again =)

Have A Nice Day :)

my feeling for you

2009-09-13T14:21:00.000+08:00

your sweet melody, it keeps me away
from the darkness surrounding my life
your beautiful voice, it's the light
which shines through my life
but i couldn't tell you how lovely you are
cause then you would realised my feelings to you

i will hide this feeling
the feeling of loving you
cause i don't think i could give you what you need
so if you're happy when you're with him
then i would be happy for you too
even if it hurts my heart so deep

the reason why i did not say much to you
when we were face to face
is because i'm afraid i couldn't stop staring at you
your beautiful face
i couldn't look at you long enough
or else i would be stunned
and you would have realised my feelings to you

i will hide this feeling
the feeling of loving you
cause i don't think i could give you what you need
so if you're happy when you're with him
then i would be happy for you too
even if it hurts my heart so deep

when you're sad, when you're hurt
it makes me sad, it hurts me too
when you're glad, when you smile
it makes me happy as well
when you're cold, i wanna hug you
to keep you warm, even if it will take all my heat away
i would die for you, give you anything
but i couldn't tell you how i feel
so that you wouldn't realised my feelings to you

i will hide this feeling
the feeling of loving you
cause i don't think i could give you what you need
so if you're happy when you're with him
then i would be happy for you too
even if it hurts my heart so deep

when you're with him
i was watching and hurting
but at the same time i know that he could make you happier
happier than i could make you
both of you have the same interest
things which bring both of you together
while i, you and i are like from two different world
that is why

i will hide this feeling
the feeling of loving you
cause i don't think i could give you what you need
so if you're happy when you're with him
then i would be happy for you too
even if it hurts my heart so deep

no matter what happens
i would still protect you
make you laugh
give everything that i had for you
even though the person that you're gonna be with
would not be me

one wish

2009-08-29T22:15:00.001+08:00

if i could have one wish
i would wish for you to be with me
but that is not good enough
maybe i should wish for a million dollar
so that i'll be able to give you money
support you, buy you gifts and make you happy
but i don't think it's enough

wishing for you with me
or having the wealth for us
that wouldn't be the best wish

if i could have one wish
then i would wish for mind reading power
cause if i have the power
then i'll know how you feel
and make you feel better
treat you well, make you laugh
be there when you're down
cause i know, the most important thing is to know how you feel
and make you satisfy, be happy
cause that's my vow to you

right now, i'm wondering
if you feel the same way as i do
when you talked to me, i can feel the chemistry
the passion that we had
but sometimes you just ignore me
returning my messages some time later
so i kept wondering
do you like me? or is there someone else?

been wondering, these thoughts been killing me
sometimes i hope to know what you're thinking

if i could have one wish
then i would wish for mind reading power
cause if i have the power
then i'll know how you feel
and make you feel better
treat you well, make you laugh
be there when you're down
cause i know, the most important thing is to know how you feel
and make you satisfy, be happy
cause that's my vow to you

if i could do things right for you and i
then things would be better
we could be together

if i could have one wish
then i would wish for mind reading power
cause that's my vow to you

if i could have one wish
then i would wish for mind reading power
cause if i have the power
then i'll know how you feel
and make you feel better
treat you well, make you laugh
be there when you're down
cause i know, the most important thing is to know how you feel
and make you satisfy, be happy
cause that's my vow to you

that girl is you

2009-08-29T22:14:00.000+08:00

this feeling. is it love?
i thought that i'll never feel this way again
never cross my mind that you'll be the one that i love

but every night, sleepless night
i kept wondering
do you feel the same way as i do?
i can't stop thinking
is it just one sided love
is it just only me who feel this way?

this love feels good
the best feeling ever anyone could ask for
but you don't know that you're the one
yeah, you're the one that i love
when i told them about the girl that i love
you wondered who, but you didn't know
that girl is you

people asked me who's that girl
is she short, is she tall?
do they know her, is she here?
when i told them, i had my eyes on you
cause you're the girl i've been telling them

this love feels good
the best feeling ever anyone could ask for
but you don't know that you're the one
yeah, you're the one that i love
when i told them about the girl that i love
you wondered who, but you didn't know
that girl is you

my best friend came and asked me why
why hide this feeling and never try
telling you how i feel
cause i kept wondering
am i good enough for you?
could i made your day, be there when you needed me?

i would rather see you with someone else
be happy with who ever you choose
rather than stuck here with me
cause if you truly love someone, you'll let them go
and if they fly back, then they're yours

this love feels good
the best feeling ever anyone could ask for
but you don't know that you're the one
yeah, you're the one that i love
when i told them about the girl that i love
you wondered who, but you didn't know
that girl is you

cause if you truly love someone, you'll let them go
and if they fly back, then they're yours

glass

2009-08-27T22:23:00.001+08:00

People wonder why wouldn't I told you
How I feel for you
Guess they didn't know how I feel
How I wish they'll live my life

When you had your first crush be with you
It's the best thing that's ever happened
But then you found out she likes your best friend
Wouldn't that hurt you so much

Cause it's like a glass falling
Smashing into millions of pieces
Picking up the pieces, trying to fix it
Getting cut along the way
Isn't it the same
When she broke my heart to pieces
Now I'm fixing it
Wouldn't know it would be the same
You'll never know

It hurts so much, it hurts so bad
Been healing, been thinking bout it
How costly would that be
Didn't know it'll take its toll

There's another girl I met
Never had this feeling since you left
Wanting to make things right
But all I could think is the past that hurts me
And I've let this slip away

Cause it's like a glass falling
Smashing into millions of pieces
Picking up the pieces, trying to fix it
Getting cut along the way
Isn't it the same
When she broke my heart to pieces
Now I'm fixing it
Wouldn't know it would be the same
You'll never know

And now you, yea all I could think about is you
You made me feel like I never feel this before
I wouldn't want this feeling to be gone
But if I had those past thoughts again
I'm afraid it'll all end up the same
So maybe it's best to leave things as it is

Cause it's like a glass falling
Smashing into millions of pieces
Picking up the pieces, trying to fix it
Getting cut along the way
Isn't it the same
When she broke my heart to pieces
Now I'm fixing it
Wouldn't know it would be the same

Sometimes I wish for miracle to happen
That maybe you'll be the saviour of my life
You, be the last piece of glass that's missing

I'll never know how things would be in the future
All I know is, whatever that happens
I'll watch over you, as long as I'm breathing
Never let you go

it ain't love

2009-08-27T22:13:00.001+08:00

I've been blaming myself
For being so blind
I never see you in my life
Didn't talk to you, never look at you
When you're here, I didn't notice you
Wouoldn't thought this could happen

One day, we just talk along
Never realise how you made my life
How I wish I knew you before
Know something that brings joy in my life

When you ask me who I love
I told you it's someone else
But the truth is
You're the one I've been thinking of
When you ask me why do I have this feeling
I couldn't tell you why
Cause if I could, then it ain't love

People been asking who I like
All I say is its someone that I know
But when they asked me more
So I started telling them stuff bout you
But none realise it was you

Maybe you're not close to me, it seems
But you're always in my heart
Everytime when I'm falling down
I think of you and I get up

When you ask me who I love
I told you it's someone else
But the truth is
You're the one I've been thinking of
When you ask me why do I have this feeling
I couldn't tell you why
Cause if I could, then it ain't love

If I could tell you why I love you
It ain't love no more
Cause love cannot be explained
It's something, a feeling that comes

What if I told you, I love you
What would you say, what would you do
I don't wanna make things more difficult than it is
What if our friendship is ruined?
What if I lose you forever?
I couldn't bear with that thoughts

When you ask me who I love
I told you it's someone else
But the truth is
You're the one I've been thinking of
When you ask me why do I have this feeling
I couldn't tell you why
Cause if I could, then it ain't love

Cause it ain't love (what would you say)
Cause it ain't love (what would you d)
I never wanted to force you to do something
That's why this love will be kept forever

never let go

2009-08-24T01:00:00.000+08:00

have you realise that you could lose someone you care
just a moment that took them away from you
and you can't go back to save them
you gotta show them how you feel
show them that you care for them
before it's too late

everything's changing in a moment
nothing's stays the same, right now
you gotta live every minute like your last
you could never wonder
when things would end
when there's no more you and me and the starlight
so live life to the fullest
never take things for granted
never let go of this

do you live in a time when you wish time would stop
wish it would just be as it is
wish that it would happen everyday
but things don't stay that way
life's gotta go on
so value those time you have

everything's changing in a moment
nothing's stays the same, right now
you gotta live every minute like your last
you could never wonder
when things would end
when there's no more you and me and the starlight
so live life to the fullest
never take things for granted
never let go of this

never leave this time
never take things for granted
never let go

everything's changing in a moment
nothing's stays the same, right now
you gotta live every minute like your last
you could never wonder
when things would end
when there's no more you and me and the starlight
so live life to the fullest
never take things for granted
never let go of this

you gotta live life to the fullest
nothing's stays the same, right now
never take things for granted
you gotta live every minute like your last
never let go of this

last one ... for now =) ...

Have A Nice Day :)

friends

2009-08-24T00:32:00.000+08:00

it's midnight and i'm alone
all i do is stare the wall
i've got nothing to do
just killing my time
trying to let time pass by
but then my phone starts ringing up
it's you, yeah you call

cause when you're down, when you need something
you can always look at those people you call friends
they're right there with you
when you need all the hope
when you're falling down
you can reach out
put your hands out
and they'll pull you through
they are your friends

walking down the hallway
tripping down the stairs
when i turn around it's you
it's my friends
when i need some help
i just call them up and they'll be there
yeah, they'll be there

cause when you're down, when you need something
you can always look at those people you call friends
they're right there with you
when you need all the hope
when you're falling down
you can reach out
put your hands out
and they'll pull you through
they are your friends

i never had the time to say it
but i never forgot bout it
this thing i gotta say it out
i never told you, how much i feel for ya'll
i'm really lucky just to have friends like you do
i wanna say thank you
thank you, for being part of my life
thank you

cause when you're down, when you need something
you can always look at those people you call friends
they're right there with you
when you need all the hope
when you're falling down
you can reach out
put your hands out
and they'll pull you through
they are your friends

*possibly one of the not nicest song tat i written ... but hey im in song-writing mood now ... so watever comes to my mind could be an inspiration to something big =)

i'll be there

2009-08-24T00:21:00.000+08:00

wondering what you could do
this problem it'll never go
it always seems so easy yet so hard
just the trouble come and could not leave

cause when you're down
when you're drowning out
scream your lungs out
crying for help
i'll be there
when you need a hand
you call for someone to come
when everything seems wrong
i'll be there for you

sitting in the dark
looking at the stars
all you ever wonder was if this is real
standing on the edge
waiting for someone to call you
but all you hear is the beat of your heart

and now you're wondering
is it worth to live anny longer?

cause when you're down
when you're drowning out
scream your lungs out
crying for help
i'll be there
when you need a hand
you call for someone to come
when everything seems wrong
i'll be there for you

eventhough you may think
there's no one that could see
the pain that's inside your heart
someday you will see
there's him, her and me
everyone's waiting for you
cause i'll be there

cause when you're down
when you're drowning out
scream your lungs out
crying for help
i'll be there
when you need a hand
you call for someone to come
when everything seems wrong
i'll be there for you

* i guess this blog will turn out as a place where i post my song-writing ...haha

a "song" for how im feeling now ...

2009-08-21T22:14:00.002+08:00

when i first fall in love
everything was so clear
there's nothing better than this feeling
but when it ends
this fear that i could not stand
i wish i was never in love

cause when i think of you
i love how i'm feeling
it's the best thing that could happen to me
but what if i'm wrong?
what if i'm not good for you?
what if i hurt you?
cause i'm afraid to tell you
i'm just afraid to hurt you
so would you go away or would you come to me and tell me it's alright
i'm just so confused now

i couldn't look at you cause if i do, i won't stop looking
mesmerised by your beauty
when you talk to me, i couldn't say much
cause i'm stunned by you
eventhough you may not know
but i will do anything to keep you safe
i would protect you with all my life
that's what i'll do
but what if it's not enough?

cause when i think of you
i love how i'm feeling
it's the best thing that could happen to me
but what if i'm wrong?
what if i'm not good for you?
what if i hurt you?
cause i'm afraid to tell you
i'm just afraid to hurt you
so would you go away or would you come to me and tell me it's alright
i'm just so confused now

and now i'm afraid i'm doing this all over again
i'm afraid that we'll be far apart
i'm afraid that i'll ignore you
cause all i want to is for you to be with a better person
then when time has gone
i just see you carry on with someone else
it hurts me the mst
but as long as you're happy with him, i'll be glad for you
all i have now is another love crushed

cause when i think of you
i love how i'm feeling
it's the best thing that could happen to me
but what if i'm wrong?
what if i'm not good for you?
what if i hurt you?
cause i'm afraid to tell you
i'm just afraid to hurt you
so would you go away or would you come to me and tell me it's alright
i'm just so confused now

Waiting For Yesterday - David Archuleta

2009-07-30T16:12:00.002+08:00

You and me, all alone girl
What’s going on?
Will you tell me what’s wrong?
It’s like you’re locked up
in your own world.
Oh, with nothin’ to say.

You keep me guessing,
But I see in your eyes.
He made you promises,
But gave you lies.
You’re shutting down
Because you’re so sure,
That I’ll be another mistake.

I know that he left you in pieces.
You know that I won’t be that way.
I’m not gonna treat you like he did.
Oh, Whatever it takes.
You think history is repeated.
You keep on wishing me away.
Oh, but nothing’s gonna change.
Waiting for yesterday.

Is it worth it any longer?
So scared of falling again.
Yesterday can make it stronger.
But why do you feel alone?
You know I love you better
than he ever did.
And this could be, all you ever needed.
Hold onto me and just remember.
Oh, no. Never let go!

I know that he left you in pieces.
You know that I won’t be that way.
I’m not gonna treat you like he did.
Oh, Whatever it takes.
You think history is repeated.
You keep on wishing me away.
Oh, but nothing’s gonna change.
Waiting for yesterday.

I’m the one for you tonight.
I’m the one for you forever.
If it takes a little time,
Whatever it takes, whatever it takes.
I’m the one for you tonight,
I’m the one for you forever.
If it takes a little time.
Whatever it takes, whatever it takes.

I know that he left you in pieces.
You know that I won’t be that way.
I’m not gonna treat you like he did.
Oh, Whatever it takes.
You think history is repeated.
You keep on wishing me away.
Oh, but nothing’s gonna change.
Waiting for yesterday.

I know that he left you in pieces.
You know that I won’t be that way.
I’m not gonna treat you like he did.
Oh, Whatever it takes.
You think history is repeated.
You keep on wishing me away.
Oh, but nothing’s gonna change.
Waiting for yesterday.

how time flies

2009-07-28T01:20:00.002+08:00

it really got me thinking that how time flies so fast ... although i admit that im stoning bored here right now but i gotta say i wan time to go slow ... it just feels like its 7 days ago i was borned ...

7 days ago
the first time where i got the glimpse on the outside world ... i was young ... i cant remember anything ... so i cant say anything much bout it ...

6 days ago
it felt like im 5 years old that time ... i remember sitting by the door ... looking at the scenery outside ... with the wind breezing ... while me eating a cup of ice-cream ... haihz ... miss that ice-cream ... and i used to collect power ranger's action figures ... one night, the green ranger action figure's leg came off ... and i cried the entire night ... i used to cry alot ... there's once i cried cuz my parents wouldnt give me what im craving for, a soya milk ... when i rethink of those times i gotta admit im a little embarass by it but i was young that time ... and it was one of the best times in my life ... with nothing to worry bout ... i remember my parents enrolled me into pre-kindergarten with my cousin ... i lasted around (or less than) a month ... cuz i couldn't adapt to the surrounding ... heck my grandma had to be outside the class everytime ... once my teacher wanna turn the fan switched on and the switch is behind the door ... so when she half-close the door i cried and ran out of the class ... looking back at it now i laugh ... it was funny but memorable ...
then im 6 years old now ... so i had to go kindergarten ... somehow i managed to adapt to it ... but i still do cry alot ... and due to my asthmatic condition im not allowed to join in with the other kids for swimming lesson (tat's why till now i couldnt swim cuz i never really swim before) ... i was good at maths ... it was interesting for me at that time ... usually im the top-scorer in class for maths ... for no apparent reason i love maths ... everyday we get to watch cartoons for half an hour ... and had breakfast for free ... a cup of milo and some cereal ... i enjoyed that moment ... it was the best time in class ... then once i erased some numbers i wrote down but it went black and smudgy ... my teacher scolded me for the mess and i cried ... at the end of the year we had this concert ... we had to perform ... i cant really recall all the performance step but all i remember i did a split at the end of it ... and it was the first time i sat in a bus as well ... we took bus to the concert place ... then last day of kindergarten where teacher distributed the concert group photo but for some reason i did not get it ... she said its either i didnt pay or no more ... but i went back empty handed that day ... and clueless as well ...

5 days ago
i step foot in primary skool for the first time ... my first day was not that good ... during recess time i thought the foods in canteen were free because i used to get "free" food in kindergarten ... so i took a keropok but the aunty there scolded me and i cried ... luckily my only friend that time (who i still remember)'s mom bought for me something to eat ... then there's once i felt sick and i wanna puke but i had no idea how to tell the teacher that im about to puke ... somehow my fren helped me and i did managed to get to the washroom in time ... i got "lost" during teacher's day and the teacher in charge called my sister through the speaker which beams through the entire skool ... at the end of the year i got the award for best student in maths ...
then from primary 1 to primary 2 ... had no idea wat it means ... all i remember was i had a male teacher at first but he shifted and a female teacher replaced ... and at the end of the year, i got best for maths again and second place in class ... and there was this competition where students who read the most gets a trophy ... i was supposed to get it but because i lend the book which records the book stuff to my fren and she copied it, she won it ...
primary 3 now and i applied to become a prefect ... surprisingly i got it ... but its not like what all of you would think ... everyday i would go and duty randomly ... just walked around ... during recess time, me and some prefects pals went to the back gate and played catching there ... never did any duty ... there's once i remember seeing a bloody kid walking pass the corridor and i report to teacher ... at the end of the year i was supposed to perform during the award ceremony ... i was supposed to be aladin and a girl supposed to be jasmine (btw i still remember who tat girl was) ... but last minute i pass the pts exam so im getting award and couldnt perform (that girl got it as well) ... so i skipped through primary 4 and went straight to primary 5 ... during that year i took mandarin class which lasted till the end of primary 5 ... and i started taking abacus ...
again, whole lot of crying ... sat beside a guy and he bullied me everyday ... even teacher scolded me for crying (wtf) ... thankfully my teacher stays around my neighbourhood and my classmate is my neighbour so it makes things a little easier ... somewhen during the year i participated in the national abacus competition and i got a consolation trophy ... and it was the first time i played football ... there was an inter-class competition and i represent my class ... but throughout the game i never touch the ball ... besides i was half-blind cuz i did not wear my specs ..
primary 6 ... the last year in primary education ... i applied and got the job as librarian ... i duty on tuesday with some friends (who i still remember) and we had to sell magazines, arrange books, records book returning and borrowing ... then there's this UPSR thing and BCG injection which i cried before having the injection ... after the UPSR exam over we had time off to play games and sports ... and i joined in a group to participate in football game ... 2 loss and 1 win though ... i was also once the student of the month which im really proud of till now ... then everyone left ... i don't know where im heading next ...

4 days ago
went to a new skool ... new surrounding ... made new frens ... had my first crush ... experience everything new ... changed my style ... gotta admit during primary skool i was nerdy but thanks to 3 guys they changed me ... during PE time we would play football and from there i started playing regularly ... and although the first goal i scored was kicking the ball right outside the goal it felt great ... told my first crush how i felt and got rejected ... it wasnt tat painful and its good to know the truth ... at the end of the year some new frens tat i made shifted away ...
then during secondary 2 always play bottle cap football behind class ... especially when the class was far away from teacher's room ... had a great time ... remember once when i ponteng class wif my frens and we just lepak outside somewhere ... then a discipline teacher came and we all ran away but one of my fren got caught ... i went back and just told some story and then the discipline teacher let us go ... although its not a good but it definately is a good experience ...
PMR exam this year and our class located just above the office ... and yet we still play football using bottle caps eventhough the teachers in morning session are stricter ... remembered how my kh teacher would 'torture' us but she was kind and reasonable ... it was during tat time i had my interest in joining the prefectorial board ... was gonna join but too late in the end ... then i remembered once when i was waiting for my transportation outside wif my fren ... a girl got robbed but thankfully two indian gangs chased tat guy away (benefits of having samseng gang around skool) ... but i felt really terrible cuz i didnt do anything and from tat day onwards i pledge to help anyone who's in trouble ... after PMR exam had to go skool but not much to do ... so one day i ponteng skool wif my frens and we played football somewhere else ... didnt get caught though ... then at the very end of the year i joined the prefectorial board ...
when i was at secondary 4 i laughed when i think back ... a guy who ponteng skool and did some other disciplinary-against stuff became a prefect ... but i was dedicated from the start and we had this signature week where we had to answer senior's question and get their signature to show that we succeeded in answering their question ... at the end i was one of the four probations who got all signatures ... i joined the editorial board as well ... just wanna do something for a change ... anyways new subjects ... no idea wat's bio, chem and physics all about ... didnt really help when my physic teacher was a "bizzmel" ... i remembered my first bio test i got 95% but tat was because i got leak questions ... during canteen day operated by the prefectorial board i was in charge of the valentine stall (along with my head prefect and a girl i had a crush on) selling some sweet food ... we didnt really make much profit though and our marshmellow dipped with chocolate doesnt really give a good appearance ... closed stall early and helped out others ... teacher's day and im with another fren incharge of mini games for teachers ... was really a stressful time but somehow managed to go through with it ... then when seniors stepped down i got elected as the 'Ketua Biro Data & Pengurusan' ... basically im in charge of demerit system and marks ... it was revealed later on that i was supposed to hold other position but they see me fit for this post ... this was the year i started joining gym ... had one performance during the gym day and another one at the end of the year for the leaders ...

3 days ago
i was in secondary 5 ... had two juniors under me for prefectorial board ... as for the editorial board i was disappointed not to get the head of my department but guess its for the best ... cuz i held other post as well ... i was also the secretary of english society (which rarely had any meeting cuz our advisor teacher was absent for a duration of time due to some injury), the ajk of chess club (no post in the beginning but i worked up to get it) and secretary of badminton club (sometimes i did more than wat i was supposed to do) ... it was also the first time i was in a relationship (if u would call it though) ... lasted for a few weeks ... due to me being overstress and unable to cope with other things its for the best at that time ... not only i held those post ... i represent my skool in chess competition in mssd ... i also participated in sunway maths competition and law olympiad (joined last year as well) ... i was also the runner-up of the chess competition in skool (and i was one of the organiser as well) and i won the ict quiz for four out of five years ... i was part of the organising committee of badminton competition as well ... i had numerous other job ... i admit i wasnt a good senior in prefect as well ... i did not really talk much and im not strict enough ... by the beginning of october everything clears off my back and i started revising for spm ... which eventually i did just okay for it ... i lost two pendrives that i won during ict quiz during one of the spm exam days ... then its separation time ... another era passed by ...

2 days ago
i may not hav known those ppl i knew now or be at where i am now if it wasnt for me being late... i wasnt clear of wat to do next when my fren who joined ausmat january intake told me bout it ... i went to sunway during the weekend and i asked the counsellor bout it ... they said the application date has closed but i enrolled myself for the next intake ... and thankfully im late ... cuz i met alot of nice ppl and nice frens ... but i couldnt imagine it based on how i started
it was my first day and i was alone ... luckily my jan intake fren brought me for a tour around the area ... and soon i befriend with a couple of guys ... i still remember during the first week for econs class everyone was lost ... eventually i found the classroom and lead everyone there ... then i started to know more ppl ... and i actually knew my during that time crush through a fren during the first two weeks but didnt really know her till later on ... then one day i joined a fren who i made frens by teaching him accounts and he had a gang already ... so i went and ate with them at orange ... was quiet at that time ... but somehow later on i got assimilated into the group ... one of the girl in that group i knew her from last year tuition ... they were all great and fun to hang out with ... then some time later on i got into another group ... and we went out most of the fridays and watch movie ... during college time we went to the cyber cafe whenever there's two hours break ... we had this trip to royal selangor as well ...
the best thing that happened was when they celebrated my birthday ... i was so touched and thankful of it ... i had bad 16 years of birthday and this one's the best one yet ...
however the worst moment was when i stopped talking to her ... we were considerably close at the beginning but somehow we were not anymore ... i regret for not telling her how i really felt ... and not leaving it till late ...
we had this sports carnival which i joined in chess and carrom ... didnt win any of those cuz of other teammates not there ... then i was part of the ausmat council in organising the talentime ... i was in charge of the maintenance and it was a tiring job during tat day ... at the end of the year we had our moral studies project which is to organise an event for orphanage children during near christmas time ... i was in charge of the maintenance again ... although there's some aftermath arguments but at the end of the day everyone was happy ...
then the most memorable time was the actual last day of our coll ... the whole bunch of us went out to kajang to eat satay ... some of the drivers were racing with each other ... freaked me out at one point ... then had yuen steamboat at night ... after tat went back to coll and took lots of photos ...

1 day ago
it was the end of the best moment in my life ... to be honest i dun wanna leave it ... i dunno what to do at the beginning of the year ... then i fall sick and suspected to have dengue ... but i dun think i had ... a week later i joined in the baf course in lancaster ... im a week late for the class and i missed the orientation of course ... i gotta say that at the beginning i hated it ... hated that i had to begin my studies again ... hated that all those fun times last year had to be forgotten just like tat ... luckily i had a few frens in there who helped me settle down ... as the time goes i settling in and the hatred getting less and less ... it was a diff environment with diff ppl and i didnt really talk to any of them .. but after the bbq night i started to talk to others more ... ppl started to know who i am ... and im starting to make some other frens in the course ... i got chicken pox by the way at the beginning of the second semester and missed one week of class again ... somehow time flies and i finished my final exam for second sem ... all those days camping doing assignments and studying finally over ... whether it pays off we will see ...

Present
cant believe time just fly past like that ... everything feels like it happens just within a week ago ... now im waiting for the next semester to come, praying for a good result ... and im hoping i could make it for the first week this time around ... i prayed as well that i would be more open with other ppl and mix around with them regardless of who they are and be more active overall ...
as for gym performance ... we're building up for next year's performance but we had this "warm-up" performance on 15th of August at Stadium Bukit Jalil ... its gonna be huge and i cant wait for it ...

so it seems that time flies fast ... i still cant believe it ... its as if i still remember what happen last time like it was yesterday ... i guess this is life ... and i gotta accept it ... no point fretting bout the past ... looking ahead to the future ... all those times would not come again but it would definately be treasured in my heart forever ... as for the future ... bring it on!!

Have A Nice Day :)

super random post with mind reading power

2009-06-25T00:28:00.002+08:00

if i could have a wish for a super power, i would wish for a mind reading power.

why?? just for one simple reason.

to read people's mind and know them better. i know there are a number of people out there who have problems that they wanted to voice out but they couldn't. cause maybe they don't trust other people.

that's why i wanna read their mind. know what they're thinking. help them. i don't wanna be someone who just sit by the side and see them in despair.

i wanna help people. and that's the mission of my life. maybe not my only mission. maybe not my main mission. but it's one of my mission and it's to help people in need.

don't know why i'm writing this. out of random.

Have A Nice Day :)

The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be

2009-06-16T21:12:00.004+08:00

once upon a time ... i was someone ... someone who i desire to be ... someone who i've never been greater than that before ...

then at one time ... it just vanish ... im not that person anymore ... im not who i was at that time ...

i was a lost soul ... i don't know who i am ... i was lost ... i was deceived by the thoughts of others ...

but that no longer be the case ...

rest assure that i would be that person once again ... i will find myself and be that person again ... and when i do ... i'll never let go of that "me" again ...

and even though you're not with me anymore ... but i wanna thank you ... thank you for making me realise who i am supposed to be ... who i should be ... and who i wanna be ... thank you for showing me where i went wrong ... where my weakness is ... and you'll always be in my heart ...

Have A Nice Day :)

Which condom will you use?

2009-05-19T23:14:00.002+08:00

found this on the net ... check it out ...

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

Celcom: The power is in your hand ** (added myself XD)

so which one do you use?? =D

Have A Nice Day :)

Manchester United - Barclays Premier League Champion 2008/09

2009-05-17T15:15:00.020+08:00

MANCHESTER UNITED
BARCLAYS PREMIER LEAGUE CHAMPION 2008/09

yea ... we're the champ ... third consecutive years ... well since we're level on 18th league title now with liverpool ... we're going for the 19th next season ...

and guess what ... for those of you in malaysia who still dont know bout manchester united comin here ... shame on you =P ... lol ... im kidding ... anyways here's the info bout the event ...

and here's the places where u can pick up and order your ticket ...

if you wan to see them in training ... then you gotta make a pre-booking ticket at either of these two stores in these places ... startin of 22nd may of course ... so there's time left ... get your car ready and save up your cash ...

those two highlighted places are the place where im gonna book the ticket ... hopefully though ... i wanna go but i just need transportation to go there ... anyone out there who can send me there and back?? i'll belanja you on that day =D ...

anyhow ... back to manchester united's title celebration ... it's been a long season for the red devils ... they've played most games any club could play ... i think i've read it somewhere saying that manchester united played 66 games (12 more than liverpool) if im not wrong ... so yea ... this season started out like any normal season ... injuries ... draws ... mid table ... but in the end we surge to the top ... and become the champions of england once again ....

"Rafa Benitez says United are not good"

well if you actually click on that link above ... its a news article on rafael benitez saying that manchester united are not better than liverpool ... he said that united just had more points and they are not better ... well i cant deny that united are godlike or something ... but clearly they are the best team in the league this season ... they earned more points cuz they played well ... they fought for the points and they won the trophy ... so when benitez said that ... i was amused with it ... i wouldnt want to comment more though cuz i respect liverpool and their fans ... i used to support them as well (until i found out that united and liverpool are rivals) so i'll leave it just that ...

to those in south east asia ... malaysia and singapore in particular ... i guess we didnt get to see the title celebration ... but anyhow ... here i hav several pictures from the title celebration ... and if you check youtube or dailymotion ... you might find some videos of the celebration ...

*i do not own any of this pics ... credit goes to the original site (which im not sure as well)

the final whistle after the arsenal game ... rooney actually ran into the pitch (he was subbed out late on) and then went and hug his teammates ...

typical sir alex ferguson reaction ... haha ... anyhow cant blame him ... i would be doing that if i win 11 bpl titles ...

gary neville ... club captain ... lifting up the trophy ...

and here's another shot of neville lifting the trophy ... and in this picture you can see the closeless between neville and evans as well ... lol ...

manchester united players trying to get their hands on the trophy ... who wouldnt??

glory manchester united ... celebration time ...

the confetti drops ... but that doesnt stop the players from trying to hold the trophy ...

vida ... lifting the trophy ... what is berbatov looking at?

another group photo of manchester united with the trophy ...

the whole team including the staff ... who of course plays the important role of keeping the players fit and arranging the tactics and scouting players and ... well you get what i mean ...

sir alex joyfully holding the trophy ...

celebrating the trophy with mike phelan ... the assistant manager ...

various pictures of sir alex with the trophy ... unbelieveable ... it's been 11 times he's doin this now ...

and the player who breaks the "most-decorated" player in british football ... ryan giggs ... 11th league title for him as well ... same as his shirt number ...

rio ferdinand ... didnt play the last few matches ... but he's been rock solid for manchester united when needed him ... the 3rd choice captain after neville and giggs ...

vidic a.k.a. vida ... most probably crowned as manchester united's player of the year ... been playin most of the games ... been really consistent throughout the campaign ... except for tat liverpool game though ...

cristiano ronaldo ... the boy who many adores ... scoring great, important goals for united this season ... didnt really match last season's record though but he rise above during important games ...

park ji sung ... one of the united unsung heroes ... the others being fletcher and o'shea ...

wayne rooney ... surely he feels delighted to get one over liverpool ... well not one but three times over liverpool ...

argentina! argentina! carlos tevez ... superb strike against man city ... important equaliser against wigan ... why wouldn't other clubs want him??

it's that boy, ronaldo again ... kissing the trophy ...

park celebrating with the trophy as edwin van der sar looking on ... btw the dutch keeper made a record for longest clean sheet in europe football ... if not my mistaken ... otherwise a record in english football ...

tevez celebrating with park ...

poor tevez ... got sprayed with champagne ... guess who did it??

it's that boy ronaldo ... been saying that alot ... haha ...

hey ... kids dun win by themselves ... they have these two senior footballers to help them ... gary neville and ryan giggs ...

ronaldo ... celebrating with his family members ... the players actually had their family members on the pitch during the title celebration ...

more cr7 pictures ... that lad wanna join ronaldo hugging his mom .... lol ...

ronaldo being hoisted up by his family members ...

and that's the pictures from the title celebration ... how did manchester united get through this season?? well of course the whole squad played their part ... but i guess many would point their finger and said it's that boy ronaldo who made manchester united's season ...

this is typical ronaldo ... taking free kicks and scoring them ... but not in this pic though ... it was taken during the arsenal game which he kicked the ball high and wide ...

the reason why manchester united have the most supporters?? well cuz they played beautiful football and the club is like a family ... win together ... suffer together ... did everything together ...

manchester united players celebrating with each other ...

manchester united's three main strikers: (from left) carlos tevez, dimitar berbatov, wayne rooney

ryan giggs ... wonderful season he's had ... won those trophies ... and also the winner of the pfa player of the year award ...

the number on his back shows how many league title he had won ...

and that's the man who's surely gonna be in the football hall of fame ... sir alex ferguson ... won lots of trophies ... kinda lost count though ... although it could have been a different story if he didnt beat nottingham forest for the fa cup ...

this season has two games left ... first is against hull city who's fighting to stay in the premier league ... and the last game of course against barcelona ... all the best to the team ...

i guess this is all manchester united's wish for the next season:

1. keep ronaldo and not letting him go to real madrid (or any other clubs)

2. sign carlos tevez ... still cant believe how come he's not signed yet ... its just 25-30 million ... united can fork out 30 million for berbatov but not for tevez???

well that's all for this post ... manchester united celebrating their third consecutive barclays premier league title ... and their 18th overall ... anyhow this is the link (if you're interested in) to the manchester united songs and chants ...

Manchester United songs and chants

oh yea one last thing ... poor macheda ... this young lad scoring the winner against aston villa and sunderland but he didnt get the medal ... hopefully sir alex will make a special application for him ...

oh yea ... he got kicked out of the pub that manchester united's players went celebrate later that night ... cuz he's still under the age of 18 (he's 17 btw) ... poor boy ...

Have A Nice Day :)

This Step Alone - Elliot Yamin

2009-05-16T17:59:00.000+08:00

It's taken its toll girl.
The silence is cold.
We're stuck at a dead end.
And I'm starting to wonder
Did I say something wrong?
I keep asking the question
Will you turn around and come with me?
Or should I read the signs and leave and let you be?

Now I'm standing at this roadblock
And there's no way around it.
I've been waiting for your mind to change
'Cause it feels so one-sided.

I saw us break, I watched us fall.
It made no sense to me at all.
You say that you will, but then you don't,
So I'm gonna take this step alone.
In my heart of hearts I always knew
This jump was way too far for you.
You say that you will, but then you don't,
So I'm gonna to take this step,
I'm gonna take this step alone.
Alone.

So give me a reason
Why you're on the outside when you should be here.
We're no good together so maybe it's better?
I'll walk alone but you'll always be near.
Now there's no room for settling.
I gotta do this, I need to. (Ohhh)
But this mirror that I'm looking in
There's no reflection with you.

'Cause I saw us break, I watched us fall.
It made no sense to me at all.
You say that you will, but then you don't,
So I'm gonna take this step alone.
In my heart of hearts I always knew
This jump was way too far for you.
You say that you will, but then you don't,
So I'm gonna to take this step,
I'm gonna take this step alone.

The sanctity I found deep in your arms,
It was a false alarm
And it burns,
Yeah it hurts.
I lie awake at night
And think of what we could have been if it worked
Then we chose to go our separate ways
Instead of meeting each other half way
And if I had to choose girl
I'd have you by my side

I saw us break, I watched us fall.
It made no sense to me at all.
You say that you will, but then you don't,
So I'm gonna take this step alone.
In my heart of hearts I always knew
This jump was way too far for you.
You say that you will, but then you don't,
So I'm gonna to take this step,
I'm gonna take this step alone.
Alone, alone.
I'm gonna take this step alone.
All alone.

its been a year since i lost myself

2009-05-11T21:18:00.004+08:00

heyz ... well its been a while since i updated anything on this blog ... honestly im kinda lazy to post anything lately ... there isnt much to write ... if there is i dun really hav the mood to write bout it as well ... but since im bored right now i might as well update on wat's happening around me lately ...

this year it hasnt been a good year for me ... just the first week itself i was suspected to hav dengue fever and had to be admitted in the hospital ... and that sucks cuz i had food restriction and all ... then suddenly i was told to register for the business course in lancaster which wasnt my choice ... i was contemplating to go monash and do business there but my parents hearing a lecture bout how good the icaew thing and all ... so had to settle in lancaster ... then after finishing my first sem i thought that i could complete my driving lesson once and for all .... it has been dragged on for months ... i passed my law test on december but had to wait till march to go for my 5 hrs practical class ... and i thought i could start immediately but they said had to wait for 2-3 weeks ... and tat's not the worse yet ... i got chicken pox just a week before my second semester starts ... tat's a seriously f**king sh*t ... fast forward to a few weeks ago ... joining sports carnival ... i was in the futsal team and i thought i got a chance to prove myself but then i had to stuck as the goalkeeper since my team has no keeper ... and into the second game (the team won in the end so there's like 5 games) i dislocate my thumb ... and tat means im out for the rest of the games ... eventhough im glad tat the team won ... i felt i dun deserve it ... cuz i hadnt done much except picking and throwing the ball ... tat sucks ... and oh yea ... back to my driving lesson thing ... currently i hav a week break and i thought maybe i can do 3 lessons for this week ... turned out my instructor only free on thursday ... haihz ...

oh yea ... before tat futsal during sports carnival and the one day outing wif gymastic members ... i did not do any sports activity at all ... including jogging ... so i lost all my stamina ... and i need to regain it soon cuz the practice for next year's performance is starting soon ... maybe after this sem ends (around end of july) i'll spend some time in the gym to work out ... hopefully my parents allow me to and hopefully i can drive by then ...

university life ... gotta say that i wasnt as enthusiastic as last year ... maybe cuz there's no one who's like comin up and talk to me tats y i dun talk much ... or maybe cuz i miss the first week of every sem ... which means tat i miss all those clique-grouping and getting to know everyone ... but then again i shouldnt point the finger on tat factors ... maybe it was me ... yea ... i guess i, myself havent been who i thought i would be ...

how things are totally different within a year ... last year ... at the beginning i would not think bout wat other ppl's perception might be and i just let myself out ...

maybe i should be like that again ... maybe i shouldnt think wat others might think ... but then again its a little too late or not the right time for now ... cuz its half-way through the sem now and u know ... ppl havin their own group plus wat ppl already "stereotype" everyone in the class (i assume) ...

i guess that maybe right now its a "dark" time for me ... the pitfall in my life ... how i wish i could be who i am last year ... hmmm ... i guess maybe i've changed ... maybe i've changed since a long time ago and not just this year ... i guess its since this time last year tat i've started to change ... becoming more reserved ... dun really talk much ...

maybe it was last year which had changed me ... last year today was the last time ... last time to?? ... well im just gonna keep it to myself ...

anyways guess tats all the update i hav for now ... hmmm ... hopefully the next post i'll write bout something more interesting ...

A Year I Lost Myself

one year
it seems long
but i couldnt be wrong
that's when it all went bad
that's when i feel sad
that's when everything just feels sucks

it's been a year now
since i've lost myself
and i don't know why
without you in my life
i couldnt lit the fire
that's burning in my heart
and everything just stumble down
its been a year

one thing that i wish for
is to go back to the year before
but i couldnt
i cannot go back
cause time has move on
so i gotta be strong
that's why im writing this song
to tell you that im trying to go on

it's been a year now
since i've lost myself
and i don't know why
without you in my life
i couldnt lit the fire
that's burning in my heart
and everything just stumble down

and im picking up the pieces
im pulling myself up again
although you have gone now
and im still wondering how
but i guess i'll keep on fighting on
and im gonna live my life again

i cant believe that i've shun myself out
i couldnt think that i let myself doubt
everything that's been done
cause things has gone past
and they're never coming back

it's been a year now
since i've lost myself
and i don't know why
without you in my life
i couldnt lit the fire
that's burning in my heart
and everything just stumble down

and im picking up the pieces
im pulling myself up again
although you have gone now
and im still wondering how
but i guess i'll keep on fighting on
and im gonna live my life again

*im writing this song just to express how i feel ... so yea its not tat perfect and all ... its just expressing my feelings ...

Have A Nice Day :)

What Hurts The Most

2009-04-21T23:08:00.000+08:00

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo