the truth has been set free...

... and it didn't end up as the worst case scenario. but losing a trust of a friend made me felt... i dunno. till now i'm still blaming myself. seeing her today just made me feel guilty even more. it's such a shame that i ruin a great friendship. and i hurt someone. though i know that she said we're still friends, but i know things wouldn't be the same. i just wish... i could take it all back. i'm saying all of this cause i miss her, as a good friend. she was there when i needed someone to talk to. likewise, i wanna do the same as well. i just hope time will cure everything. i wanna start teasing her again, talking nonsense stuff with her. cause that's what good friends do.

and i'm relieve that you didn't hate me or anything. i'm so thankful for your understanding. letting you know bout it, i was fearing for the worst. but i was glad to have told you that. at least now i know there's nothing to hide from you. yet despite the relieve, i'm still blaming myself and feeling guilty for what i've done. it takes time for me to stop being harsh to myself, but probably it will only happen if i know that she'll be happy.

i'm a jerk. i am a really big jerk. knowing how that would felt, i still did the same thing to her. she needs time. but just to let her know, i'll be here when she's fully overcome the hurt feeling. in the mean time, i promise i won't hurt anyone else, especially you. i'm not gonna rush what we had now, in fact i like how we are now. let time brings us together. till that time, i'll keep on learning and improving myself so that i won't do anything that hurt you, or anyone else anymore.

i'm sorry...

caught up

i felt like it had caught up with me. the dilemma that i'm stuck thinking on. the dilemma that made me had little sleep at night. and the dilemma which made my life upside down.

offering any explanation would do nothing. cause i'm already the jerk i am. the only thing i can offer is apology. and pray. and pray that the two people that i may have hurt would find their true happiness. it could be me who ruin it for them.

if only there's a remote control to rewind back time. if only... it's just an excuse right now. i shall accept the full responsibility of what might happen and already happened. as it goes, i mess up my life again. now back to my own shell where i seclude myself from this world.

happy valentines day

i don't know why... i'm so confuse. i wanted to move on from you, yet you came back into my life. are you suppose to stay in my life? i thought that i could forget you, but the images of us together keep flashing in my mind. i stopped looking at your name, then i started to look at it again. you make me confuse. i know that you're confuse as well, but i don't know. i don't wanna stuck in this predicament.

probably it's impulse, but i got into my car at 9.30pm today. i wanted to drive to your house and wait for you to reach back, surprise you with a chocolate. but at the last moment, i stopped. i wonder what would you think. i wonder, would you be happy or would you be shocked? or will i get my own surprise if i do? thoughts started to drown my mind and i stopped. i reflect back at how many times this happened. the past special occasions with plans in my mind, i backed out in most of it. the only time it worked was during 11.11.11.

a few times, on christmas eve, on the eve of your birthday, new year's eve. all of those days i had plan in mind but it was never happened. it really bothers me cause i wanna show how special you are. but sometimes i was afraid. if i were to surprise you, i might find you with another guy. not that i don't trust you, but cause it's you. you're very loveable, many guys would go crazy for you. this is the only time when i'm really short of confidence. compare to other guys, they're richer, funnier and better looking than me.

i don't know why i'm still debating this. maybe cause it's hard to let you go. it's hard to not knowing what could happen between us. yet i don't wanna force anything to happen between us. i wanted to wait and see what will happen with us as well. each day we got closer, i felt, no matter how far at times we drifted away from each other. yet each day that goes by, my doubt lingers whether am i the right one for you. like you, i'm nervous about what's gonna happen. i dunno...

what if i hopped into my car and waited for you outside your house tonight? what would you say? i guess maybe it don't matter anymore cause i didn't. sometimes i feel like i wanna die. so that i wanna see how much i meant to you. that's a selfish thought, but i dunno...

forever alone. probably that's what i will be. i hate the fact that i think too much. if only i could ignore all these. but i couldn't help ignore the fact that i wanna spend special days with you. i'm a fool, the biggest fool on earth.

anyways, happy valentines day. i'll keep on praying for your happiness each day. and i'll try to be there for you. but at the same time i need the strength to not think of the future anymore.

all i wanna do is find a way back into love...