i am sick.

insecurity. it may not be the right word, but probably it's the best word to describe how i feel.

when i was young, i was too naive. i didn't know anything, yet i still smile. i smile like a fool. not knowing that i didn't have anyone to turn to.

now, i thought i knew everything. i thought i have the friends that i could turn to. but turns out i don't. no one knows me. i can't blame them. i barely knew myself. this time the smile is not a fool smile, but it's a smile that hides all the pain, the smile that shields all the loneliness i felt inside.

why did i feel this way? why am i always feel lonely? i tried to smile and walked away from this feeling, yet it catches up to me. it's the same old story all over again.

why is it that i felt like i was used by others? why is it that i felt like whenever others have problems they come to me, and when they're back up they go away?

i tried not to look it that way. but somehow it keeps popping in my mind. am i drifting, becoming an undesirable person? cause it makes me view others differently, till the point that i think others were all boycotting me. is it an illusion or a reality?

all i could do is to smile and move on. i don't know how right or wrong am i. i can hardly trust anyone right now. i am sick.

a promise was made a few months ago. i promised not to rant here anymore. but this has been something that bothers me. i hope that my mind would clear up after typing it all out here. only time will tell. but right now, i am sick.

and i hope that i will be healthy again after this.

have a nice day :)