end of the year

no more emo post. no more confessions. no more ranting on this blog. i hope.

new year's coming, and that means new resolutions.

i wanna make a resolution, to be a person.

not a better person, but just be a person.

it's hard when you keep thinking bout others but they don't seem to think about you.

why when you make promises, you keep it,

while others said this and that and yet they forgot it a moment later?

all the "it's ok, i'll be there" or "anything can come to me"

i guess probably it's just a crap.

probably me ranting here will hurt some of you.

but yet again, i'm supposed to not care bout how others feel.

probably i'll change, to a more heartless person.

i said before i am who people made me.

and i've seen the worst side of the world, probably that would make me one as well.

but then again, that's not what Gakkai taught me.

i should care and be compasionate for others.

but is it worth if you do and yet others don't care about you?

people always say make yourself happy, don't care bout others.

keeps me thinking, now in a transition stage.

taking up every challenge has been what i'm doing for my entire life.

at the end of every challenge there's supposed to be reward and something good that happens.

but every challenges i faced, it ended up worse.

my last rant for the year. next year hope that i'll be able to control myself.

hopefully can refrain myself from coming here and pouring everything out.

i don't wanna be a better person, i just wanna be a person.



Happy New Year.

and Have A Nice Day :)

stolen ...

You were my eyes when i couldn't see,
you were my air when i couldn't breathe,
but you always knew what you meant to me,
(yeaah.ah,ah)
You were my strength when i was down,
and you made me humble when i wouldn't bow,
I held on to your promise that you'd be around,
(ah,ah...ah,ah)

Where were you when i was alright,
tell me, did you knew I was alright,
you, left me thinking I'd be alright,
wont you come back to me,
Ohhh..
It's crazy but i'm falling apart,
It's crazy how your leaving me scarred,
It's crazy girl wherever you are,
you stole, my heart

It's crazy but I'm going insane,
feeling lost confused and ashamed,
It's crazy, hope your feeling my pain,
you stole, my heart

(Stolen)
Just like a moment....
(Stolen)
you never owned it,
(Stolen)
you took away my heart,

I was feeling lost in my own world,
neglecting your needs only once girl,
If only we could try again once more,
ohhh..(Ohh..)
Now It's the same sad story that we all know,
how lovers make mistakes watch it all blow,
now i don't wanna be the one to let it all go.... nooo

[Chorus]

(Stolen)
Just like a moment....
(Stolen)
you never owned it,
(Stolen)
you took away my heart,
(ah,ah...ah,ah..)

No man can live without blood running through his veins,
(through his veins)
and it's hard to remember the summer now here is rain
I don't know how much longer that i can wait
It's a thin line... between love and hate,
Oh-whoa-whoaaaa...

It's crazy but i'm falling apart,
It's crazy how your leaving me scarred,
It's crazy girl wherever you are,
you stole, my heart

It's crazy but I'm going insane,
feeling lost confused and ashamed,
It's crazy, hope your feeling my pain,
you stole, my heart

(Stolen)
Just like a moment....
(Stolen)
you never owned it,
(Stolen)
you took away my heart,
(ah,ah...ah,ah..)

(Stolen)
Just like a moment....
(Stolen)
you never owned it,
(Stolen)
you took away my heart,
(ah,ah...ah,ah..)

emotion killer

killing my emotion now, that's the only way i can move on ...

have no expectation, that way there'll be no disappointment ...

think less, probably don't think at all and then my mind shall be set free ...

worst time of my life

probably in the worst moment of my life.

everything just seem to have gone wrong. nothing goes right.

every part of my life is suffering. deep pain cutting through my heart.

feel like screaming, feel like jumping off a building

of course i don't plan to kill myself, that's silly

probably bungee jump, so that all the problems would go away when i fall.

just wonder, what i did wrong?

i always thought i did the right thing, i thought probably the wrongs that i've done

it's just a few small ones

but then, why i keep on suffer the pain, the feeling of knife stabbing right at my heart?

have i done something really terrible in my past life, that i'm paying for it now?

i don't know, hopefully it'll end.

probably this is to test my character, well if it is then i'm on the verge of failing.

although i told myself, i won't fail in whatever i do

but all the past things that happened isn't like what i said.

i kept failing time after time again.

i failed to tell the girl i care the most how i feel.

i failed to be the active person i set out to be.

i failed to be a good son, a good brother and a good friend.

i failed in keeping my family harmony, i don't want to hear them arguing everyday.

and soon, i'll be failing in my studies as well.

now i'm just low in confidence, i could only hope that i won't screw my internship.

i admit, i'm neglecting sife right now, which isn't what others hope for when i was appointed.

i need to get back up, but how?

i don't know, this is a personal hurdle for me to go through.

honestly, thanks my friends if you show concern.

but this is something that i've got to go through on my own, i guess, probably.

and i wanna thank YOU as well, for your concern but i'm really confuse now.

the best thing would be not to talk to you, just keep live your life like how you live.

not like i'm a big part in your life, like others as well.

i'm just someone who people would just say hello and goodbye.

no matter how much i've done, i guess probably they're right.

whatever sacrifices that you made must be in front of people,

so that you show them and they see what you've done.

sacrificing when someone doesn't know only hurts you.

cause you thought you did something big for them, but for them it's insignificant,

since they didn't see it.

i don't know how am i gonna be the next time when i see the same people on march.

i've said this before and i'll say it again.

i'm thankful for this internship break, cause it gives me room away from everyone,

it gives me time to recover, if i would ever

and others wouldn't see the bad side of me, well probably they would've see it here already

since i don't know who's reading this.

sleep doesn't help solve problem this time around, whenever i woke up

i felt really tired, i'm physically and mentally drained out.

somehow i just need to get back to my feet, be prepared within the next 3 days

put on a fake smile, while wearing a shoe that belongs to my dad cause i don't have one,

and probably wearing the same two formal outfits i have for the next 2 months.

yea, you see it correctly, my life is pathetic. i don't have the life like others.

people come to me when they have problems,

and when they're alright they go away.

when i'm my usual self, they just don't bother bout me,

when i'm down only they would come to me and ask if i'm alright.

i don't know it's a normal thing or not, but i'm just thinking

whether your action just to show me sympathy, or you genuinely care?

sorry for not being able to trust people, cause i've brought up that way.

i've seen so many backstabbing, so many back talks,

even when i say things to others, they just couldn't keep it,

so tell me how am i gonna trust people?

probably ramble too much here already.

just wanna say that it's not anyone's fault for my current condition.

if there's someone to be blamed, then it's me.

me cause why i was born to live in this world, adding misery to the world.

my action during my past life must've been so terrible that i'm in a miserable life now.

i just hope that, probably i would keep on saying this in the future.

the next time you see me, i would be a different person,

i don't know how different, probably i'll be someone who don't give a sh*t bout anyone

someone who just dissed off others, not thinking bout how you would feel.

or probably i would be someone who'll be active running around everyday,

busy doing things till i forget to live my own life, till i don't know what tired is,

till i don't know what love is, till i don't care bout my own life.

honestly i wish that i'm dead now, but like i said earlier suicide is a silly thing to do.

i just hope that i could go save someone's life and get hit by a car and i'll die on the spot.

at least i would die, knowing i sacrifice for others, who probably won't still care who i am.

i'm done.

bukan diriku

Setelah kupahami
Ku bukan yang terbaik
Yang ada di hatimu
Tak dapat kusangsikan
Ternyata dirinyalah
Yang mengerti kamu
Bukanlah diriku

Kini maafkanlah aku
Bila ku menjadi bisu
Kepada dirimu

Bukan santunku terbungkam
Hanya hatiku berbatas
Tuk mengerti kamu
Maafkanlah aku

Walau kumasih mencintaimu
Kuharus meninggalkanmu
Kuharus melupakanmu
Meski hatiku menyayangimu
Nurani membutuhkanmu
Kuharus merelakanmu

Dan hanyalah dirimu
Yang mampu memahamiku
Yang dapat mengerti aku

Ternyata dirinyalah
Yang sanggup menyanjungmu
Yang lama menyentuhmu
Bukanlah diriku

Walau kumasih mencintaimu
Kuharus meninggalkanmu
Kuharus melupakanmu
Meski hatiku menyayangimu
Nurani membutuhkanmu
Kuharus merelakanmu

december to not remember

am i doing the wrong thing? should i not ignore you?

but the pain in seeing that im not the one. i need time to recover for it.

now is the right time for us. cause we'll be apart.

i just need to mend this broken heart. you don't know how much i really love you.

but looking at how you treat others and the way you treat me.

why would you, in a way, avoid me?

although you're always there to concern, but somehow i just feel a distance between us.

i wanna ask you whether you're alright when you look sick.

get you a tissue when you sneeze.

share my shoulder for you to lie on.

but i was never given the chance.

you always look for others, neglecting how i felt at that time.

i don't know, maybe i just think too much.

but nevertheless, it's still a pain.

i had everything planned out for you, wanna surprise you.

but after seeing how you treat others, and seeing the look that you gave.

i guess i should be thankful for not going on with the plan.

now we're gonna be apart for some time.

i just hope the next time we meet, i won't feel the pain no more.

i hope that i would want to see you, and likewise you would want to see me too.

but my feeling for you won't be as how i feel now.

i wish, that would happen.

till then, i shall disappear from all of you, if i can.

if you call me, don't be surprise if i don't answer it.

if you text me, maybe i won't reply, it depends. no guarantee.

but i guess most likely you'll not hear from me, cause the next time you see me.

hopefully you'll see the best of me, not the worst side of me.

probably last post of the year, i dunno.

just wanna wish everyone to have a nice day.

don't have a pathetic life like i do, cause it's painful.

till then, take care.