worst time of my life

probably in the worst moment of my life.

everything just seem to have gone wrong. nothing goes right.

every part of my life is suffering. deep pain cutting through my heart.

feel like screaming, feel like jumping off a building

of course i don't plan to kill myself, that's silly

probably bungee jump, so that all the problems would go away when i fall.

just wonder, what i did wrong?

i always thought i did the right thing, i thought probably the wrongs that i've done

it's just a few small ones

but then, why i keep on suffer the pain, the feeling of knife stabbing right at my heart?

have i done something really terrible in my past life, that i'm paying for it now?

i don't know, hopefully it'll end.

probably this is to test my character, well if it is then i'm on the verge of failing.

although i told myself, i won't fail in whatever i do

but all the past things that happened isn't like what i said.

i kept failing time after time again.

i failed to tell the girl i care the most how i feel.

i failed to be the active person i set out to be.

i failed to be a good son, a good brother and a good friend.

i failed in keeping my family harmony, i don't want to hear them arguing everyday.

and soon, i'll be failing in my studies as well.

now i'm just low in confidence, i could only hope that i won't screw my internship.

i admit, i'm neglecting sife right now, which isn't what others hope for when i was appointed.

i need to get back up, but how?

i don't know, this is a personal hurdle for me to go through.

honestly, thanks my friends if you show concern.

but this is something that i've got to go through on my own, i guess, probably.

and i wanna thank YOU as well, for your concern but i'm really confuse now.

the best thing would be not to talk to you, just keep live your life like how you live.

not like i'm a big part in your life, like others as well.

i'm just someone who people would just say hello and goodbye.

no matter how much i've done, i guess probably they're right.

whatever sacrifices that you made must be in front of people,

so that you show them and they see what you've done.

sacrificing when someone doesn't know only hurts you.

cause you thought you did something big for them, but for them it's insignificant,

since they didn't see it.

i don't know how am i gonna be the next time when i see the same people on march.

i've said this before and i'll say it again.

i'm thankful for this internship break, cause it gives me room away from everyone,

it gives me time to recover, if i would ever

and others wouldn't see the bad side of me, well probably they would've see it here already

since i don't know who's reading this.

sleep doesn't help solve problem this time around, whenever i woke up

i felt really tired, i'm physically and mentally drained out.

somehow i just need to get back to my feet, be prepared within the next 3 days

put on a fake smile, while wearing a shoe that belongs to my dad cause i don't have one,

and probably wearing the same two formal outfits i have for the next 2 months.

yea, you see it correctly, my life is pathetic. i don't have the life like others.

people come to me when they have problems,

and when they're alright they go away.

when i'm my usual self, they just don't bother bout me,

when i'm down only they would come to me and ask if i'm alright.

i don't know it's a normal thing or not, but i'm just thinking

whether your action just to show me sympathy, or you genuinely care?

sorry for not being able to trust people, cause i've brought up that way.

i've seen so many backstabbing, so many back talks,

even when i say things to others, they just couldn't keep it,

so tell me how am i gonna trust people?

probably ramble too much here already.

just wanna say that it's not anyone's fault for my current condition.

if there's someone to be blamed, then it's me.

me cause why i was born to live in this world, adding misery to the world.

my action during my past life must've been so terrible that i'm in a miserable life now.

i just hope that, probably i would keep on saying this in the future.

the next time you see me, i would be a different person,

i don't know how different, probably i'll be someone who don't give a sh*t bout anyone

someone who just dissed off others, not thinking bout how you would feel.

or probably i would be someone who'll be active running around everyday,

busy doing things till i forget to live my own life, till i don't know what tired is,

till i don't know what love is, till i don't care bout my own life.

honestly i wish that i'm dead now, but like i said earlier suicide is a silly thing to do.

i just hope that i could go save someone's life and get hit by a car and i'll die on the spot.

at least i would die, knowing i sacrifice for others, who probably won't still care who i am.

i'm done.