birthday ...

birthday is supposed to be a happy day ... where ppl celebrate the number of years they live on this earth ... joys and laughters fill the day as the birthday boy/girl would get present and wishes from their family members and friends ...

for me ... well i do get all those as well ... but out of the previous 18 years, i can only recall only 2 years tat im happy during my bday ... i dunno but i guess my past experience during my bday had cause me to see that there's no significance in celebrating my bday ... i mean whats the point of celebrating it? ... sometimes i curse this day, why i would be borned ... cuz most part of my life i've been suffering with pain and loneliness ...

in the past with what i can recall, my birthday usually was the worst day of the year ... i still remember when im young, bout 3-5 years old i was celebrating bday with my sis cuz her's was 3 days away from mine ... and my grandma gave her 3 bucks (which was alot at tat time) while i got a not-working mickey mouse watch ... of course when im young i do not think much bout it but now tat i recall, it hurts me a little ... but this is just a small thing ... during primary skool, i dun think there's any of my frens wished me happy birthday ... usually i'll be celebrating with my family and my uncle's family living next door ... and since young im longing for chocolate cake but my cousins and my sister do not eat chocolate so i had to settle for other cakes which is not much of my liking at tat time ... what kind of birthday is it if the birthdayee (=.=) dun even eat the cake?? ... when i came to secondary skool, it was a little better ... there were some frens who wished me during the day, but i guess being teenager and acting like a rascal, many sees this as an opportunity ... i dunno bout other skool but last time during the form 1-3 period, whoever's bday on tat day will get splash with water and occasionally throwed with flour and eggs ... managed to escape it with minimal damage ... but wat hurts me at tat time was only a handful of people remembered my birthday and it's one of the person who reminded others bout it and they immediately grab me and try splash me ... i mean if u wanna do it, at least hav the liberty to remember the day rite ... looks like taking advantage ... and some of the years none of them remembered except some last minute wishes ... but the last blow was during my 16th bday when i planned to go play football with my frens only to be dragged along to go phone hunting for my sis bday ... it hurts cuz on my birthday i was supposed to do something tat i wan ... but i've been dragged along to some stuff which wasnt enjoyable for me ... after tat i told myself ... i wouldnt wan to celebrate bday anymore ...

but when i stepped in sunway, things change a little ... my frens celebrated and its quite grand as well ... the past two years were filled with memories, for me ... but looking back i realised tat on each occasion i do not know how to react ... im just stoning there ... i guess maybe cuz of the old wound from the past pain cause my feelings to be numb now ... it needs time ...

anyways im trying to look at the bright side now ... although i hav to say tat i dun really care much anymore if anyone wishes me or throw me a party ... if they don't then it's ok ... it further "emphasise" on my belief tat i shouldnt celebrate my bday ... but those tat do wishes me and probably throw me a surprise party or something, i hav to say sorry in advance ... i don't know how im gonna react ... i dunno whether im gonna be happy or surprised ... i guess it needs some time for the old wound to heal ...

nevertheless whatever happens, if i were to blow candles and make wishes today, i'll be making 3 wishes ...

i) for all my family members and my friends to be safe and healthy throughout the year

ii) to achieve first class degree in the course that i'm in now

well the third wish i shall keep it to myself ... but i think you could roughly guess wat is it ...

i guess tat's all that's on my mind ... hope that i'll be able to change my outlook on this ...



update: well it's more than half day gone now ... although there's no surprise, big celebration or a group of friends gathering, i'm still quite happy ... i dunno why though ... i guess maybe it's wat i wanted ... just wishes and not troubling ppl to celebrate my bday ... no point wasting their time celebrating it ... anyways all i wanna say now is im happy ... surprisingly happier than last year despite last year having group of friends celebrating ...

Have A Nice Day :)