the truth has been set free...

... and it didn't end up as the worst case scenario. but losing a trust of a friend made me felt... i dunno. till now i'm still blaming myself. seeing her today just made me feel guilty even more. it's such a shame that i ruin a great friendship. and i hurt someone. though i know that she said we're still friends, but i know things wouldn't be the same. i just wish... i could take it all back. i'm saying all of this cause i miss her, as a good friend. she was there when i needed someone to talk to. likewise, i wanna do the same as well. i just hope time will cure everything. i wanna start teasing her again, talking nonsense stuff with her. cause that's what good friends do.

and i'm relieve that you didn't hate me or anything. i'm so thankful for your understanding. letting you know bout it, i was fearing for the worst. but i was glad to have told you that. at least now i know there's nothing to hide from you. yet despite the relieve, i'm still blaming myself and feeling guilty for what i've done. it takes time for me to stop being harsh to myself, but probably it will only happen if i know that she'll be happy.

i'm a jerk. i am a really big jerk. knowing how that would felt, i still did the same thing to her. she needs time. but just to let her know, i'll be here when she's fully overcome the hurt feeling. in the mean time, i promise i won't hurt anyone else, especially you. i'm not gonna rush what we had now, in fact i like how we are now. let time brings us together. till that time, i'll keep on learning and improving myself so that i won't do anything that hurt you, or anyone else anymore.

i'm sorry...

caught up

i felt like it had caught up with me. the dilemma that i'm stuck thinking on. the dilemma that made me had little sleep at night. and the dilemma which made my life upside down.

offering any explanation would do nothing. cause i'm already the jerk i am. the only thing i can offer is apology. and pray. and pray that the two people that i may have hurt would find their true happiness. it could be me who ruin it for them.

if only there's a remote control to rewind back time. if only... it's just an excuse right now. i shall accept the full responsibility of what might happen and already happened. as it goes, i mess up my life again. now back to my own shell where i seclude myself from this world.

happy valentines day

i don't know why... i'm so confuse. i wanted to move on from you, yet you came back into my life. are you suppose to stay in my life? i thought that i could forget you, but the images of us together keep flashing in my mind. i stopped looking at your name, then i started to look at it again. you make me confuse. i know that you're confuse as well, but i don't know. i don't wanna stuck in this predicament.

probably it's impulse, but i got into my car at 9.30pm today. i wanted to drive to your house and wait for you to reach back, surprise you with a chocolate. but at the last moment, i stopped. i wonder what would you think. i wonder, would you be happy or would you be shocked? or will i get my own surprise if i do? thoughts started to drown my mind and i stopped. i reflect back at how many times this happened. the past special occasions with plans in my mind, i backed out in most of it. the only time it worked was during 11.11.11.

a few times, on christmas eve, on the eve of your birthday, new year's eve. all of those days i had plan in mind but it was never happened. it really bothers me cause i wanna show how special you are. but sometimes i was afraid. if i were to surprise you, i might find you with another guy. not that i don't trust you, but cause it's you. you're very loveable, many guys would go crazy for you. this is the only time when i'm really short of confidence. compare to other guys, they're richer, funnier and better looking than me.

i don't know why i'm still debating this. maybe cause it's hard to let you go. it's hard to not knowing what could happen between us. yet i don't wanna force anything to happen between us. i wanted to wait and see what will happen with us as well. each day we got closer, i felt, no matter how far at times we drifted away from each other. yet each day that goes by, my doubt lingers whether am i the right one for you. like you, i'm nervous about what's gonna happen. i dunno...

what if i hopped into my car and waited for you outside your house tonight? what would you say? i guess maybe it don't matter anymore cause i didn't. sometimes i feel like i wanna die. so that i wanna see how much i meant to you. that's a selfish thought, but i dunno...

forever alone. probably that's what i will be. i hate the fact that i think too much. if only i could ignore all these. but i couldn't help ignore the fact that i wanna spend special days with you. i'm a fool, the biggest fool on earth.

anyways, happy valentines day. i'll keep on praying for your happiness each day. and i'll try to be there for you. but at the same time i need the strength to not think of the future anymore.

all i wanna do is find a way back into love...

a letter to you

honestly, i could never imagine that it would come to this. i was really hoping that we could work something out. i thought we're gonna get together in the end. turns out, it isn't gonna be.

the night when we talked about it, when you told me that i shouldn't put in much effort if i don't wanna get hurt. i was really hurt and disappointed when you said that. cause i've been putting and giving everything i could give to you, yet you said this. it was really demoralising. it's like you're saving money to buy something you really desire, only to find out that it was sold off when you almost collected enough money for it. don't get me wrong. i'm not equating you to stuff. just wanna illustrate how demotivate it felt at that time. that night, i didn't sleep. we ended our conversation at 4am and i was awake, rolling on the bed until 12pm. it hurts cause it felt like you didn't recognise my effort, more so when u gave a chance to another guy. i felt like a fool cause it's like all the while you don't see what i've been doing for you. but nonetheless, i still want us to be friends. though it's difficult. but we promised that.

but after that night i was confused. i didn't know whether to move on or wait. i don't know if it's worth waiting, but at the same time i don't wanna regret making any rash decisions. as the days go by, i just felt we're drifting away. we're not the same anymore, it's like we're obliging ourselves to talk to each other. i hate that feeling, i want us to be the same again. if only you haven't suddenly disappear right after that time, things might still be the same. but yet again, if i were to be more understanding this might not happen. i was confuse, i don't know whether to move on or not.

after last night, after the talked we had. i've decided to move on. cause it's something you want me to do as well. and i think that it's better if we have a break from each other. maybe a while away from each other, we'll be able to move on with our own lives. right now i admit, there's someone that came into my life. and i wouldn't deny that i have some feelings for her. it won't be fair if i make her wait as well, cause i know it sucks to wait for a long time. that's why i asked you last night, i wanted you to say something so that i would still continue wait for you. but you didn't, and i have to take this step. i'll have to move on, and i hope you do too. not saying that we love each other and promise to spend our lives together all those, but i'm sure deep down there's some feelings there.

i don't know what to say anymore, i think you felt the same as well. it's such a waste cause it could be a perfect story. no point saying that now i guess. and when you said i might be happier with someone else, i can't remember what i said. but now i'll say that i might be happier, but at the same time i might be happier if with you. i can't really tell what's gonna happen, and i've chosen this decision now. i can't afford to think that i will regret it in the future. i might, but i don't wanna think of that now. it's just isn't the right time for us. if it happened earlier, then it would be a whole different story. but who knows...

quoting a line from your favourite song, "i wish nothing but the best for you". and i really hope that after some time apart from each other, we can go back to how we used to be. how we act childish with each other. how we can talk random things and go on the whole night. probably the only difference is that we might not, or at least, i won't be falling for you anymore. with this, i'll put a full stop on this chapter of my life. the chapter which once filled with wonderful memories but despair in the end. right now, i'll pray each day that you will find your true happiness and everything goes right in your life. i'll watch from the side, if possible, silently rooting for you in whatever challenges you'll face. and i'll move on with my life as well. soon, i guess. it's something i've decided already...

till then...

what have we become

silent night that seems so deafening,
these four walls suddenly becomes so close,
as i took my breath one more time.
lying on the bed, staring at the space
thinking what went wrong, or am i thinking too much.
just tell me it's gonna be fine and i'll be okay.


what have we become,
when we used to talk all night,
till the morning light shinning through our window.
now we can barely speak a word,
just a hi and good night before turning off your light,
what have we become, what have we become.


words can't be denied, actions can't be undo.
you had me waiting like a fool.
if only, i could read your mind.
if only, i could turn back time.
this is killing me inside, i just wanna get you off my mind.


what have we become,
when we used to talk all night,
till the morning light shinning through our window.
now we can barely speak a word,
just a hi and good night before turning off your light,
what have we become, what have we become.


the constellation said that we could not be together,
i wouldn't, i couldn't believe it.
but it seems so true, these days we're drifting away.
if only i know what's the reason why.


what have we become,
when we used to talk all night,
till the morning light shinning through our window.
now we can barely speak a word,
just a hi and good night before turning off your light,
what have we become, what have we become.


what have we become,
when we used to share the laughter and fun together,
never knew what time is it.
now it's just us scrapping the pieces,
trying to rekindle what we had.
what have we become, what have we become.

我是一个大笨蛋

我是一个大笨蛋.

因为我傻傻等你.

有可能我想太多.

我不懂真么告诉你.

因为我要你看最好的我

我知道的事

有一些话, 不说出来. 但我明白.

我想要什么是你会很幸福.

即使我会受到伤害.

可以看到你再次微笑.

我会好起来的.

我知道我的中文是很差.

你明白够了

11/11/11

to many, this date is just another day waiting to pass by. but to me, this date has its significance. it's once in a century date. it's the day full of number 1. hence, it's a very significant day and it should be spent with the most significant person.

for once, i do not regret skipping all my appointments just to be with my significant one. the feeling of guilt turns into a moment of joy. it's something i won't forget for the rest of my life, no matter how forgetful i am. and it takes two hands to clap; if she didn't accept my invitation, it wouldn't be significant as well.

we shared everything on this date; we shared laughter, stupidity, childishness and tears. while watching the movie, i knew how she would have felt. without turning and looking to her, i knew that she had tears flowing on her cheek; yet i was so helpless and undecided, should i lend her my shoulder to cry on or not. but i chose not to in the end, because i knew she wouldn't want me to see her cry, i knew she wanna hide her pain from me; but i knew what she was crying about. at the touching moment of the movie, i actually had tears in my eyes as well. because i knew how significant she was to me, yet her mind was thinking of others. at that time, i thought that i wouldn't stand any chance; i was a relationship-wrecker. and at that point, i told myself that i should leave her for good. cause a guy's dream is to see the girl he loves to be happy.

for the rest of the day, my mind was filled with many voices. one was saying this was a bad idea; another said that it's probably the right thing to do. i felt guilty, and helpless at the same time. the laughter and the playful menacing that she made on the way back to her place was greeted by my somber mood. at that moment, i thought this would be the last time we'll be in such situation.

dropping her off, i wanna asked her or just to tell her what i had in mind. but looking at how beautiful she smile, how happy she laugh that night i just couldn't do it. i left, thinking that it's all over. tears flowed down while i was driving back. it may sound like i'm weak, but losing something that you regard as the best thing in your life is the hardest thing one could face. i was contemplating afterwards, whether i should tell her or just ease off her life without knowing. when i was driving back home, i decided not to stay up and wait for her; yet in the end i slept in front of my laptop waiting for her to come back. i don't know why i do that, but i just do.

turns out what i thought was the right thing, wasn't the right thing. i could've commit the biggest mistake of my life, and regret it for eternity. because of fate, i stayed up and waited for her. because of fate, she was able to clarify my doubts. because of fate, now my feeling for her is stronger than ever. and because of this, i wouldn't wanna lose her.

it's true that we may not have gone through many hardships yet; there are so many obstacles and challenges ahead. yet somehow i am confident that we would be able to get through this. it takes time for her to erase her past memories, but knowing that we would be writing the future together it makes me so glad and bless.

so 11/11/11 is not only significant because i went out with her. it's because of the feelings that have grown stronger because of that. *cross finger* i hope that i could make her feel the same way as i do.

happy 111111 =)

see you smile...

there are so many things i wanna tell you, yet i don't know if i should. you're the first person who made me feel this way; jump like a fool, smile as bright as the sun. and i wish i could be the same for you. but i can see the pain and sorrow in your eyes, yet i don't know what is it. or maybe i do know what is it, but i just don't wanna say it out cause it might hurt you more. i wish nothing but the best for you, even if it means leaving you for good. at times i wish that i would've known you earlier, for we could be happily together till forever. i guess fate doesn't want us to be together, or it could be a huge challenge for us. well, saying us is undermining what you've got to go through. i can't tell you what you should do, i don't want to force you to be with me if you wouldn't want to. i just want you to be true to yourself, ask yourself, what is the best thing for you? like i said, even if it means leaving you for good, then i would do so. we're no longer kids, we cannot avoid this. eventually, this will catch up to us and hurt us, or probably you even more. and i don't want to see you getting hurt. i want to see the bright and cheery you; the girl who everyone likes to talk to, the girl who everyone feels cheerful to be with, the girl who brightens people's lives. that is why i would really appreciate if you do open up to me, cause i don't want you to suffer it by yourself. let me help you make the decision, even if it will be the last thing that i will do. don't think that you will trouble me, cause i wanna be a part of you even if it's just for a little while. don't think about how i would feel, i've been through a lot and i know how to bounce back up. just be free again. cause the world wants you to see your smile, real smile again. whatever that will happen, it'll be decided by fate. live life to your fullest, cause you deserve it.

doubts ...

being with you, i have no regrets. the past few months have been the best time of my life. not once that i drown into the sea of sorrow. everyday just filled with smiles, by just looking at you or talking to you.

but i cant hide the doubts that i have. do i have a place in your heart? how much i meant to you? do you feel the same way as i do?

i tried to ignore it as long as i can, but eventually these doubts will catch up to me. hopefully by then, it'll be answered.

9x - 7i > 3 (3x - 7u)

=)